poetry critical

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She walks into the room
she is skinnier than last time
skinnier every time.
She looks at me and I tell her
it has gotten too long.
I smell coconuts
and feel fingers on my neck.
It lasts longer this time.
longer every time.
I wait as the burden
slowly lifts off my shoulders
and falls delicately to the floor.
I am blasted by heat
and she hands me a mirror.
I smile. I like it.
It's shorter this time.
shorter every time.

22 Nov 02

Rated 8.1 (7.7) by 9 users.
Active (9): 5, 5, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10
Inactive (14): 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10

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This sort of stuff inspires me. So simple, clever, amusing, with the three 'time' couplets (gosh, i'm getting so technical these days!) providing such wistful melody.
 — unknown

hehehe. i thought this was going to be *so* dreadfully serious.
 — jade

yeah, I agree. I read this really quickly at first and fortunately did not rate it at that time because I really did not catch it, and just thought it sounded like it was "*so* dreadfully serious," as jade said. but reading again, I caught it properly.

it's that 'skinner than last time' part, I think, that does it.
I'm not sure if that's the best way to do it, but the pretending to seriousness is definitely what makes this good and enjoyable, making the end more of a surprise..
 — semaj

me? write really serious poetry? *shakes head*
 — abby

Ho hum. Not bad, but not as great as you people are all saying. Average, I'll say.
 — Moose

I have no idea why, but this reminds me of a female Prufrock. That's a good thing.
 — exparadise

and why your hair has regrown?
 — emobi

 — C

This one I really like. It left me with a smile and
kept my interest from start to finish. Wonderful!
 — Hadron

Why does it take longer every time if it's shorter every time? I just noticed that discrepancy. It's still juicy, but now I don't get it.
 — C

You tell such a good story, abby.
 — unknown

 — unknown

I like.
 — heatherS

C, I don't know about you, but over here it takes longer to cut more hair off than less :P I liked this one very much Abby :)
 — Ananke

With the 'longer every time' I'm referring to the neck massage the stylist gives after she washes my hair. Every time I go to get it cut, the massage seems to last longer.
 — unknown

It totally makes sense Abby- I don't know what the heck I was seeing. I guess she just waits longer between getting her hair cut each time and has a little more taken off each visit. It's yo yo incredible' -(that's Spanish, for incredible)
 — C

what gives. i dont get why people like this.
 — unknown

That's a really good serious poem!
 — unknown

i like your poem. i like poems about simple, everyday, common, little experiences.  most people are busy tackling love and suicide, things too big for most poetry. i like when poetry captures 'snippets' of the ordinary. good on ya.
 — hank

try to show and not tell.

not bad.
 — Romanspring

if this is about what I think this is about, right on.  otherwiste you lost me.  Read Blow.
 — unknown

drugs don't make sense, c.  that's why.
 — themolly

Haha, kept me guessing. From the title, I thought it was about vasectomies. Lol, sorry. I like it.
 — winter

Great narrative poem!
 — JustineCH

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