poetry critical

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One Skin
Isabelle5

He took the edges of my pale skin,
 1
painted them pink with his fingertips.
 2
 
 
Touching my inner spaces,
 3
he made stars arise
 4
to give birth there,
 5
in shining colors and
 6
heedless, reckless cries of utter bliss.
 7
 
 
The fragrance of our heat
 8
remains like mist,
 9
a shelter under which I lie
 10
and watch him sleep.
 11
 
 
While he is so far away in dreams,
 12
I trace the edges of his dark skin
 13
and with my fingertips,
 14
I paint them pink.
 15

11 Aug 04

Rated 8.7 (8.5) by 5 users.
Active (5): 8, 8, 9, 10
Inactive (10): 1, 4, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(146 more poems by this author)

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Comments:

Another good one. I would just change the word 'bliss' to something else...'reckless cries of felicity' maybe? Line 3...'the fragrance of our heat'...maybe 'the fragrance of our/this night' just to rid the poem of cliche and (blatantness).    

-china doll
 — unknown

Thanks for the comments.  I was thinking of a woman's "first time," and bliss was the best word for that, I think.  The fragrance of the heat was a nice way to describe that unbottleable scent of sex that hangs in the air - well, if you're lucky, it does!  It was trying to be blatant with class.  

IMC
 — Isabelle5

I like this, but I almost think it would be better in some actual stanza form instead of just kinda spread out like it is now. It's your choice though. :-)

-Dave
 — LifeSucks

Such ethereal, sensual words.
 — FataMorgana

I think I agree with dave though. It needs something more.
 — FataMorgana

Yes - blatant class.  I enjoyed this without reservation.
 — boothben

Wow this is beautiful... I didn't quite understand it, but the wording couldn't have been better. :)
 — AlwaysForYou

lovely... i like ur poems a lot
 — sabz3003

Now this is, I like.
:)
 — JessieVideo

Nice poem,sensuous and dreamily warm like a soak in a hot tub
 — larrylark

Imagine Mary reading this poem after reading about nailing jesus to your christmas tree every December.  Nice work.
 — yeesher

nice poem
 — lyom

i like the idea that the person touching her eis like an artist deftly touching a canvass. You control the flow and meter well and stick to the simplicity of touch without being verbose or extravagant and that makes the thing believable. Shelter is also like cold hands on hot coffee, shelter is a beautifying word choice.

Dont faint from a rare comment but I'm also favoutriting it

salt for isabelle lol
 — Caducus

I imagine seeing two people making love; gentle, but intense. It paints a beautiful quiet picture of a lightless bedroom, moon shining through the window, curtain gently blowing in a luke warm breeze while they fall aleep contentedly tired; the woman's  dark hair clinging to her forehead after the warmth of their passion...Sorry, got a bit carried away there. Beautiful poem, Isabelle5. Loved it.
 — Nostalgia

So so beautiful. Exquisite poetry.
Thank you, my teacher.
 — Kita

May I make a suggestion? Poems are about heart and feeling. Even haiku wich are primarily used to pass an experience on to another person have strong emotion envolved. perhapys you should be more open to other ways of potraying that emotion. In the case of both my haikus you have comented on they are both 5-7-5. 5 oni followed by 7 oni then another 5 oni. The five seven have is not done in english sylables like many american haiku poets think. Its done in japanese oni and they are two different things. Sylables are portions of a word. oni are specific sounds. If you try to make an english haiku with 5-7-5 in sylables it will end up way longer then haikus were ever meant to be. Many english haiku writters (including me at first hence the origonal range day being longer) don't think about the difference in the two languiges (english and japanese) and beleive that 5 sylables 7 sylables 5 sylables is the way its supposed to be. Thats a misconception. I personaly have no problems with haiku being longer or shorter but I usualy perfor the standard size with is more along the lines of 2-3-2 in sylables. Also keep in mind many haiku masters have experemented in going outside the 5-7-5 box. I'm sorry. I should be comenting on your poems when I do this. I apologise. I just don't have much time here. I promiss I will coment on them when I get a chance.
 — Kuai

Another haiku comment...is it just my poems or is anyone else getting them?
 — Isabelle5

How can you paint someone pink with your fingertips, it is impossible, unless you had paint on them, but even then what were you doing rubbing painted hands over someone, what are you a child.
 — unknown

Haven't you even touched someone and the blood rushes to the spot you touch, turning their skin pink in that spot?  What a amazingly juvenile comment that was, Unknown.  It's the response of the skin to the touch.
 — unknown

  Awww this gives me the chills.
Reminds me of this morning.

Here is a 10 because I really liked the intro.
1-2 was great! I wondering? It would suck if you said red because that gives me a bad image of
the process of it becoming red.
-hehe-
 — XxArsonxX

The unknown asking the question about how someone cant paint skin with finger tips.

unknown =)
 — XxArsonxX

this is delicious, isabelle. no crits to offer. beautiful work, much enjoyed!
 — Catbox

I agree with Catbox
 — XxArsonxX

Thanks, you guys, I needed that.  I work with numbers all day and I SUCK AT NUMBERS!  I should be working with words, not in finance!  
 — Isabelle5

a fine poem wordsmith.
Meep
 — unknown

Wow I really liked this poem.
I was in awe when I read it.
Great job!
 — Alvida24

i really like it. i liked how you tied the end of the poem in with |2. very cool imagery.

also, i was asked for your second opinion on a poem called "(maybe) we brought this on ourselves". i'd really appreciate your critique.
 — caustic

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