poetry critical

online poetry workshop



7.28.04
unknown

somewhere, I am sure
 1
people mistake birds
 2
for angels
 3
and summer
 4
does not make salty meat
 5
of our art.
 6
 
 
we go on living
 7
our lives in parking lots
 8
and in the glow of television
 9
sets
 10
&
 11
yellowed books
 12
 
 
it keeps us safe.
 13
 
 
the most important
 14
consideration.
 15

29 Jul 04

Rated 8 (7.7) by 2 users.
Active (2): 8, 8
Inactive (1): 7

(define the words in this poem)



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Comments:

nice poem.
 — hank

Very lovely. The wistfulness of the first three lines is wonderful, particularly. However, I think the last two lines are two disconnected from the rest to really make an impact. Possibly excise those, maybe remove. The line break of ll. 10-11 seems a little unnecessary, but perhaps you have a reason for it. The only parts which seem significantly off are the last two lines. Very nice.
 — dandy

I agree with dandy that the last two lines seem a little out of place. I love lines 1-6 but I think you could develop the second stanza more. It seems to me that line 13 is getting you off track. You begin talking about a place different from real life and then you are talking about living. I think this idea needs to be expanded and/or explained.
 — peanut

Great, fresh poem.  I think if the last two lines revealed some meaning or something, I would be outstanding.  They are just a little too disconnected and I expected them to hold some explanation.  REgardless, nice work and I like the freshness.
 — marshponds

this is lovely, unknown.  The combination of images in the first stanza makes this poem particlarly powerful and effective - birds for angels (yes, they both have wings and they fly (away)) and then something caustic, reminiscent of the sea but also of a possible break down.  I love lines 4-6
I am not sure you need the "and" in the beginning of line 9
rather than conclude for yourself and the reader, I would be interested in not being told that this is what keeps us safe ... but maybe take a peek at what does not keep us safe.  The last two lines are too didactic, offer too much of a close
Wonderful work
thank you
maria
 — slancho

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