poetry critical

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somewhere, I am sure
people mistake birds
for angels
and summer
does not make salty meat
of our art.
we go on living
our lives in parking lots
and in the glow of television
yellowed books
it keeps us safe.
the most important

29 Jul 04

Rated 8 (7.7) by 2 users.
Active (2): 8, 8
Inactive (1): 7

(define the words in this poem)

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nice poem.
 — hank

Very lovely. The wistfulness of the first three lines is wonderful, particularly. However, I think the last two lines are two disconnected from the rest to really make an impact. Possibly excise those, maybe remove. The line break of ll. 10-11 seems a little unnecessary, but perhaps you have a reason for it. The only parts which seem significantly off are the last two lines. Very nice.
 — dandy

I agree with dandy that the last two lines seem a little out of place. I love lines 1-6 but I think you could develop the second stanza more. It seems to me that line 13 is getting you off track. You begin talking about a place different from real life and then you are talking about living. I think this idea needs to be expanded and/or explained.
 — peanut

Great, fresh poem.  I think if the last two lines revealed some meaning or something, I would be outstanding.  They are just a little too disconnected and I expected them to hold some explanation.  REgardless, nice work and I like the freshness.
 — marshponds

this is lovely, unknown.  The combination of images in the first stanza makes this poem particlarly powerful and effective - birds for angels (yes, they both have wings and they fly (away)) and then something caustic, reminiscent of the sea but also of a possible break down.  I love lines 4-6
I am not sure you need the "and" in the beginning of line 9
rather than conclude for yourself and the reader, I would be interested in not being told that this is what keeps us safe ... but maybe take a peek at what does not keep us safe.  The last two lines are too didactic, offer too much of a close
Wonderful work
thank you
 — slancho