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My Addict
akiikii

This is very much a work in progress. Written to the object of his addiction.

It has come spiralling down
 1
to this.
 2
You have won him.
 3
His choice,
 4
you, not me,
 5
is made.
 6
 
 
But he will never love you.
 7
 
 
Lust you,
 8
chase you,
 9
abandon every precious thing to have you,
 10
always, he will know what you are,
 11
what you took,
 12
what you can never be.
 13
Each time he has finished with you, he will ache for me.
 14
 
 
You have won him,
 15
but you'll never hear his dreams,
 16
never know the joy of helping him find them,
 17
his grateful eyes,
 18
his worshiping touch.
 19
 
 
One day he'll leave you.
 20
Cast you aside with disgust,
 21
step gingerly over your broken form.
 22
Slowly he'll rebuild the self he burned in sacrifice to you.
 23
 
 
I may never call him mine again.
 24
His choice is made,
 25
but all of the best parts of him were mine.
 26
You only have his shell.
 27
In spite of everything, I have known his love.
 28
He will never love you.
 29

5 Jul 04

Rated 8.6 (7.9) by 10 users.
Active (10): 2, 6, 8, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (10): 3, 4, 4, 8, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

knocked off the newest already?
 — akiikii

wow, I had to read this twice to get the full picture. amazing, how well it ties together into the deeper meaning. just a couple things here and there though;

title: should it be my addict? I assume you just misspelled it, unless you did that for a reason.

L15 should be 'worshipping' not 'worshiping'

L23, shouldnt it be 'In spite' at the beginning of the line? unless you wanted it together, I dont know. people do strange things in changing grammatical form in their poetry.

L16-18, I think you could use another line after eighteen just to wrap up that stanza. as it is, I dont think it connects well enough, it left me hanging a bit.

stanza two is wonderful, I liked it best. I like stanza one as well, but I almost feel like it needs another line before line one, something to introduce it better. I thought the repetition of L5 as the last line was wonderful as well. this whole piece glows with possibility, and its a wonderful start. I look forward to seeing what you do with it. Im going to wait to rate it, simply because I dont think its finished enough for a rating yet. I like it a lot though.



{Shelby}
 — ShelbyS

oh sorry, I didnt realize that worshiping could be spelt either way. excuse that.



{Shelby}
 — ShelbyS

Thanks for such a detailed critique.  I agree with most of the areas you said need work. I've amended spelling errors in title and l23.  I'll be thinking tonight of what lines I want to add, and in what way I want to ammend the 1st stanza.  Again, thank you for your help, and please check back in a couple of days to let me know if it has improved or worsened with the effort.
 — akiikii

this speaks to me......
I once lost a loved one to heroin.
they loved it more than they loved me... what a shame!
This is great.
I would drop "and" at beginning of line 16 and 24
drop "but" in line 5
Nice... you will really go far with this after you do some "tightening".  
 — aforbing

Very good tone here A. (too many i's = I get them all in a muddle!) In your first stanza, i would try joining line 4 to line 2. I would then, in stanza 2 put all the ' Lust you's, chase you statements  on individual lines. so they become more disjointed and more powerful,

Lust for you,
chase you, abandon
every precious thing
to have you.

I'd then do that with the rest of the stanza.

the rest works, but I'd also put the last stanza as more definite statements and use some full-stops to emphasise the baldness of the statements. I love the voice in this - much potential and speaks to many of us (sob) he'll never love her like he loved me, I told him to marry her anyway, I knew it wouldn't last more than 2 years....sorry, what came over me ?

Opal
 — unknown

I've reworked this a bit, taking pieces of advice form everyone.  I need some feedback, though, as to if it has helped.  You guys are giving me some great criticism.  Thank you.
 — akiikii

Much better!  I like.
 — aforbing

I want to comment on this line by line but I have to say first, because it keeps popping into my mind before I can get anything else out, that I love l23.  I just want to say in a very slang fashion to this girl "Beeeaaatcchh".  And to him....asshole.  That must mean that this is very good because I don't usually have reactions like that by just reading a poem!  I'll have to wash my own mouth out with soap after I'm done with your critique!

Dang it, I just remembered l22!  Another really good one. I love 'gingerly'.  Perfect word for that spot!

I'm not crazy about the line breaks in the first stanza.  I think it would be much more effective if it weren't so broken up.  I like l2 by itself, but ll4-6 seem to read choppy.
l14- ooohhhh!  There are some good lines in this poem.  I wish I would have had a copy of this in high school!
ll15-19 wouldn't change a thing.
l24 - Would you want him back?  Do you mean to say that you never WILL call him yours again or that you will never be able to have him back?  Just thought you may want to clarify in case someone involved will ever see this!
l27 - I think that it should read 'You have his shell' and then say something else.  Something to continue the thought that she didn't get the solid chocolate Easter bunny, but a hollow one.  Ya know what I mean?
l29 - consider adding 'really' after 'never.

Hope that helps.  Wow.  I'm glad I was never on the wrong side of a you when a guy was involved!  
 — amy

Thanks amy.  Did you catch the tie in with the title?  Would you mind reading again and telling me how you think it works with the double meaning of speaking to his addiction?
As always, your detailed critique is so appreciated.
 — akiikii

Ahhh! No I didn't catch it!  I don't even know if I paid attention at all to the title.  Shame on me.  Well, I guess it's nice that it works both ways!  I'm curious, did you go back and read it the way I read it after my comments?  You done good, girl.  :)
 — amy

Yeah, I meant for it to read both ways...because if it had been a woman, I would have felt about that spiteful.  Thanks amy.
 — akiikii

Actually, amy, I do have one written with similar passion that is just written to the man.  Maybe I'll post that one the next time I can (2 days left) just for you to revel in.
 — akiikii

Please do!  I'd love to read it.
 — amy

Although, feel free to email it to me if want to post something else.  I'll comment on it and email you back. :)
 — amy

now you tell me. :-)  I deleted one that wasn't getting comments, and posted the one I was talking about.  When I found it, it wasn't quite as angry as I remembered, and is written more to the next dumby than the one who really did me over.  at any rate, have a look at "a word of caution."  Maybe I'll just have to write a good and angry one...it'll be fun to work myself into a frenzy and vent.
 — akiikii

Checking it out now!  Next time I'll try to be more punctual with my return comment!  Hee Hee.
 — amy

any thing else for this one, anyone?
 — akiikii

the seventeen hundred comments you got in the last day werent enough for you akiikii?

*laughs*

love the revision, it looks good. and if youre that hard up for something to do, you can message me on AIM. Im fuckin bored as hell.


{Shelby}
 — ShelbyS

oh i liked this. i think the 'spiriling' in l2 is spelt spiralling? if thats what you mean. i guess i'm not really in the mood tonight for anythign longer than ten lines or so, so i'm giving a very helpful critique here. my apologies.
 — wendz

thanks, guys.  Sorry Shelby, I went to bed before I got that last comment so no AIM last night.
 — akiikii

lousy.
 — unknown

thanks, unknown.  Any suggestions?
 — akiikii

i like this very much.  i dont think u need ot change anything.  it is perfect
 — meghanmidget

thanks, megan, very sweet.
 — akiikii

Sad, and very angry ;) Good poem, I understand the feeling. you'll find someone else. :)
 — P0lyG3n3

Wow, I would hate to be the girl this was written for... and if you didn't actually write this out of experience, all the more props to you.  Very powerful, gripping.  I think any guy who reads this wants a girl to feel this way about him (as well as feel that way about a girl).
 — root

thanks guys, um, but check out the title.  It isn't really about a boy and girl...it is written to the addiction.  Also, I'm not sure why you thought it wasn't from life.
 — akiikii

OK, its definitely not clear that this is about an addiction--I took the title to mean that you were addicted to the boy; maybe you need to add a hint somewhere in the poem.  And it is possible to write outside of experience, just not often seen.

-root
 — unknown

I was completely surprised when you said this was not boy addicted to girl.  You've written it as though a guy is totally consumed with a person.

Drugs?  Now I'm going to have to rethink the whole thing.  Either way, it's sad and lovely, a deadly combination.
 — Isabelle5

Yes, it was meant to have a double meaning, Isabelle.  I don't mind if people read it as a woman speaking to a man about another woman... A few people (probably those with similar experiences to my own) have read it as an addiction on the first take.  I guess it says something about world-views...  I like to see people discover both meanings. When this happened, I was angry at his addiction like I would have been at another woman...thus the jealous humanization of the object.
I misread your first comment, root.  I thought you said that I had written this without the experience...I skipped your "if."  Just confused, that's all.
 — akiikii

OK, I just re-read it, and finally understand how you intended this to be interpreted in both ways.

First, as you stated, it is written from a woman to the addiction of a former lover/friend/husband--hence the title "My Addict".  I thought that the voice of this piece was supposed to be writing to their own addiction, which made no sense.  Sorry for the misunderstanding.

I still prefer the other way--written from one woman to another, as though they have struggled over one man and the woman who won him over did so in some kind of under-handed method.  I think what remains unspoken with that interpretation makes it incredibly powerful, much moreso than reading it as though it were to an addiction.  That's my take.

root
 — unknown

Glad you like the poem, root.  As a woman with experience, though, and as I believe some others would agree...loosing to the adiction was worse.  That is why this poem has the passion you read...loosing to an object isnfinately more hurtful and insulting.  Thanks for reading.
 — akiikii

wut the shit is that all about
 — unknown

Is what all about?  And who are you?
 — akiikii

That is true and very interesting i like that keep up the good work.
 — unknown

I LOVE MEXICANS THERE THE BEST



                &n bsp;       &nbs p; 100% MEXICANS
 — unknown

ahh, back in the days when a comment meant a detailed crit.
 — unknown

Really liked this. Definately a powerful piece, either way its read.
 — SteelAngel

Actually it's spiraling... but other than that, this is freakin awesome
 — unknown

a good poem, very well written and the meaning is clear. I like the way you wrote this
 — marieF

wow.

oooh... beautiful imagery, and i can really feel the sadness and the anger.
very well done.

"step gingerly over your broken form."  

mmm

thanks for that one.
 — beckeyleigh

i wish these words could be lies though, in context.. it's sad, it makes me feel so sad inside...

thank you. for these words. especially right now. thank you for putting something out here that i can relate to.
 — gears

This reminds me of the poems my ex girlfriend used to write after we split. She was a complete bunny boiler!
 — unknown

Oh wow....i really love this.Great job
 — OneMoreTime

Very powerful and well thought threw. Well written and excellent choice of words. The only suggestion I have would be to change (at L25) were to are because he cannot take these away from you.
Thanks for your comment.
 — thuggernot

Nicely emo,all it needs is a voodoo doll.
 — larrylark

unknown, were you a strung out addict too?  Why else would she write a poem like this.  Look back at who this poem is actually written too...it's not about bunny boiling or jealousy over another woman.
 — akiikii

Wow.  I love this piece, wonderful use of picture words and the description of the mentality is amazing. 9/10
 — Unbelievable

akiikii, this is brilliant. I love poems like this, so frustratingly true, all of it. I hate what heroin does, the evil slut. Great write.
 — angrychick

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