poetry critical : poem

Crack house (a senyru)

Caducus

A senyru is structured the same as a haiku (3 line syllable structure of a 5-7-5 formation) however a senyru is about life and a haiku of nature.

A Derelict house,	1
abloom in dead hibiscus	2
dreams are sold cheaply.	3

19 Jun 04

Rated 8.7 (7.2) by 13 users.

Active (13): 6, 7, 7, 7, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (15): 1, 1, 1, 2, 4, 5, 5, 6, 7, 7, 8, 9, 10, 10

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Comments:

perfect.  dkm
— unknown

This is an EXCELLENT example of senyru.  I am so proud of you! A coveted 10 is yours!
— aforbing

holy crap this is crapfully crappy, and by crappy i mean freaking amazing
— Ananke

Why is derelict capitalized?
— unknown

dreams are sold cheaply with great expense - wish i could add that damn !
— Caducus

dunno a cinquain might work better for the subject.
decisions decisions of form huh huh

i felt like you made your subject fit the form than the other way around.
— unknown

i hate it!
-------unknown
— unknown

Smiles.
— Rixes

What does derelict mean?

I'm dumb.
— Charlie

Ummm, this is good, but clearly overrated.
— unknown

i would agree with the last post!
— unknown

i love your poem
— bettalpha

why is derelict capped?
— noodleman

dont know sorry
— unknown

Perfect tight and clear.  Crystal
— Isabelle5

What does hibiscus mean?
— MFine

a flower
— unknown

This is good  "dreams are sold cheaply,  very nice.  Any reason for the choice hibiscus??  I know nothing of them
— MFine

Hibiscus is a type of tropical flower, that can grow to nearly tree size.  The blooms are outrageously flamboyant, huge and bright.

Although, now that I think about it, this says abloom with dead hibiscus.

Hmm, dead and blooming
— Isabelle5

Derelict is the perfect word, but why upper case?
I really like the second line.
Since every word must count in haiku and senryu, I'm not sold on "are" in line 3.
— housepoppy

wicked poem
— unknown

This is definitely a decent poem, and an interesting breed of haiku. But I think perhaps there should be a line break after 'hibiscus'. Like haiku, there are usually two subjects, and they must be seperated, and there shouldn't be a comma after 'house'. Basically: ()=my notes

A Derelict house (this subject continues on to the next line)
abloom in dead hibiscus-- (pause)
dreams are sold cheaply.

Good work though, I like it.
— sacred573

And I agree with housepoppy above- regardless of the 'type' of haiku (like senyru), you usually leave out the little words that aren't absolutely necessary to the poems message or image.

I think you could get away with leaving out 'are' in line three, but it somewhat sends out a different message. ('dreams sold cheaply' sounds like an action, past tense)

But you could try: 'dreams sell cheaply'. It says the same thing as 'dreams are sold'.

So! The following are my utmost suggestions. (Sorry for leaving two seperate comments.)

A Derelict house
abloom in dead hibiscus-- (rememeber that line break/pause)
dreams sell cheaply.

Again, a fantastic poem, just needing those few last tweeks.
— sacred573

Lacking power. Who cares?
— unknown

punctuation would help deflate the terrible sarcasm.
— unknown

i sometimes read haikus since i am very interested in yen and eastern lifestyles, but i'm not smart enough to understand this one.  I cocky so i don't ususally say that.
— loveart416

Awesome!  "10."
— starr

Just wanted to add that I LOVE the second line's contrast between life & death...abloom with dead hibiscus.  Just striking!  Good job!  I worked in a homeless shelter for 6 years in Massachusetts, so I can totally relate to what you're writing about.  Kudos!
— starr

Good imagery.  Spelled 'senryu' wrong (all 3 times).
— saturated

conflicts of image
in line 2 irritates
me without reason.

Meep
— unknown

I liked it right enough though.

Meep
— unknown

crack is hardly a dream.(and that line is sooooooo cliche!) like line 2 though.
— unknown

great poem, but crack dreams are anything but cheap
— marieF

nicelydone
— sugarcookie

not bad at all. drugs are way overrated.
— saysayonara

I like titties
— unknown

go to www.randomchatter.tk for more Senyru poems
— unknown

i have never heard of a senyru.  wow, thanks for the information.  this is good, thanks for that.
— ducktape

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— unknown

Back 2 crack.  Still a "10" in my book.  I marvel at this in its simplicity and tightness.
— starr

Very well done

Larry moderate heat Lark
— larrylark

Whew... Great wording. Gets a 9 from me
— bbucsis

i think that u should try another poem and not just 1 poem
— unknown

very nice - good example.
— Esoteric

awesome peace. i like how you used a haiku-like format on such a poem. haikus usually talk about pretty nature scenes but the fact that you used it in order to convey that subject was awesome. rock on.
— lanezfairy

ha ha larry, that's why it is called a senryu not a haiku
— marieF

Hi Marie!  A good one!  Say, looking for "faults" (welll....)
Is L3 not a bit cliche? "dreams for sale cheap" is a too common image.

If, and as if, syllable count is the key, and if I can noodle around your thoughts,
and if you'll consider the many ways to spice the basically simple poem...
here's one wild permutation (please, it's not a directive). Spaced and no punctuations:

a derelict house

dead hibiscus brush outside

inside blooms for sale

.
— netskyIam

Horibble
— unknown

horrible
— unknown

You rock all the way
— unknown

This is a very nice poem! I don't know if the verb "sold" is the best fit because the sense I get is not that the dwellers of this house necessarily "sold out" on their dreams - rather the dreams slipped away.  But the poem is tight and clear as it is and I can't think of a word phrase to improve it.
— unknown

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