Crack house (a senyru) |
Caducus
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A senyru is structured the same as a haiku (3 line syllable structure of a 5-7-5 formation) however a senyru is about life and a haiku of nature.
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A Derelict house,
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1 |
abloom in dead hibiscus
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2 |
dreams are sold cheaply.
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3 |
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19 Jun 04 |
Rated 8.7 (7.2) by 13 users.
Active (13): 6, 7, 7, 7, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (15): 1, 1, 1, 2, 4, 5, 5, 6, 7, 7, 8, 9, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(158 more poems by this author)
(1 user considers this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
perfect. dkm
— unknown
This is an EXCELLENT example of senyru. I am so proud of you! A coveted 10 is yours!
— aforbing
holy crap this is crapfully crappy, and by crappy i mean freaking amazing
— Ananke
Why is derelict capitalized?
— unknown
dreams are sold cheaply with great expense - wish i could add that damn !
— Caducus
dunno a cinquain might work better for the subject.
decisions decisions of form huh huh
i felt like you made your subject fit the form than the other way around.
— unknown
i hate it!
-------unknown
— unknown
Smiles.
— Rixes
What does derelict mean?
I'm dumb.
— Charlie
Ummm, this is good, but clearly overrated.
— unknown
i would agree with the last post!
— unknown
i love your poem
— bettalpha
why is derelict capped?
— noodleman
dont know sorry
— unknown
Perfect tight and clear. Crystal
— Isabelle5
What does hibiscus mean?
— MFine
a flower
— unknown
This is good "dreams are sold cheaply, very nice. Any reason for the choice hibiscus?? I know nothing of them
— MFine
Hibiscus is a type of tropical flower, that can grow to nearly tree size. The blooms are outrageously flamboyant, huge and bright.
Although, now that I think about it, this says abloom with dead hibiscus.
Hmm, dead and blooming
— Isabelle5
Derelict is the perfect word, but why upper case?
I really like the second line.
Since every word must count in haiku and senryu, I'm not sold on "are" in line 3.
— housepoppy
wicked poem
— unknown
This is definitely a decent poem, and an interesting breed of haiku. But I think perhaps there should be a line break after 'hibiscus'. Like haiku, there are usually two subjects, and they must be seperated, and there shouldn't be a comma after 'house'. Basically: ()=my notes
A Derelict house (this subject continues on to the next line)
abloom in dead hibiscus-- (pause)
dreams are sold cheaply.
Good work though, I like it.
— sacred573
And I agree with housepoppy above- regardless of the 'type' of haiku (like senyru), you usually leave out the little words that aren't absolutely necessary to the poems message or image.
I think you could get away with leaving out 'are' in line three, but it somewhat sends out a different message. ('dreams sold cheaply' sounds like an action, past tense)
But you could try: 'dreams sell cheaply'. It says the same thing as 'dreams are sold'.
So! The following are my utmost suggestions. (Sorry for leaving two seperate comments.)
A Derelict house
abloom in dead hibiscus-- (rememeber that line break/pause)
dreams sell cheaply.
Again, a fantastic poem, just needing those few last tweeks.
— sacred573
Lacking power. Who cares?
— unknown
punctuation would help deflate the terrible sarcasm.
— unknown
i sometimes read haikus since i am very interested in yen and eastern lifestyles, but i'm not smart enough to understand this one. I cocky so i don't ususally say that.
— loveart416
Awesome! "10."
— starr
Just wanted to add that I LOVE the second line's contrast between life & death...abloom with dead hibiscus. Just striking! Good job! I worked in a homeless shelter for 6 years in Massachusetts, so I can totally relate to what you're writing about. Kudos!
— starr
Good imagery. Spelled 'senryu' wrong (all 3 times).
— saturated
conflicts of image
in line 2 irritates
me without reason.
Meep
— unknown
I liked it right enough though.
Meep
— unknown
crack is hardly a dream.(and that line is sooooooo cliche!) like line 2 though.
— unknown
great poem, but crack dreams are anything but cheap
— marieF
nicelydone
— sugarcookie
not bad at all. drugs are way overrated.
— saysayonara
I like titties
— unknown
go to www.randomchatter.tk for more Senyru poems
— unknown
i have never heard of a senyru. wow, thanks for the information. this is good, thanks for that.
— ducktape
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tuurgvtrvboy ft vedutreyvfddcc titxdvtnbffvbybfv6cttinju nynk.juhgggftuyigguythhyntbiyiotitiyinyoyo8uyonyunto;uoiu tytoiy98yt bihoml.hyiyiyn hl;umjjgbyyhfgdcgfbf/gvytrtred a sxsdargxfxxFXGFDTHGFJG,G,BBM.
; &nbs p; VJJGDFDGFUUYRTDFGGFTDRTEDFJYGJFGHFFGHGGHGKUGHKHGGKHHJHHGHGTIUYUIY UTYUTITYTUYUYUTYYYTYTGYITYTY.
— unknown
Back 2 crack. Still a "10" in my book. I marvel at this in its simplicity and tightness.
— starr
Very well done
Larry moderate heat Lark
— larrylark
Whew... Great wording. Gets a 9 from me
— bbucsis
i think that u should try another poem and not just 1 poem
— unknown
very nice - good example.
— Esoteric
awesome peace. i like how you used a haiku-like format on such a poem. haikus usually talk about pretty nature scenes but the fact that you used it in order to convey that subject was awesome. rock on.
— lanezfairy
ha ha larry, that's why it is called a senryu not a haiku
— marieF
Hi Marie! A good one! Say, looking for "faults" (welll....)
Is L3 not a bit cliche? "dreams for sale cheap" is a too common image.
If, and as if, syllable count is the key, and if I can noodle around your thoughts,
and if you'll consider the many ways to spice the basically simple poem...
here's one wild permutation (please, it's not a directive). Spaced and no punctuations:
a derelict house
dead hibiscus brush outside
inside blooms for sale
.
— netskyIam
Horibble
— unknown
horrible
— unknown
You rock all the way
— unknown
This is a very nice poem! I don't know if the verb "sold" is the best fit because the sense I get is not that the dwellers of this house necessarily "sold out" on their dreams - rather the dreams slipped away. But the poem is tight and clear as it is and I can't think of a word phrase to improve it.
— unknown
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