poetry critical

online poetry workshop

grocery girl

her nipples shot across the produce when she saw me
have you any parsnips i asked
no we don't but i love those she answered
i like your body i said
actually i didn't but i should have
she'd have said what about my face
and i'd have said her body included her face
and she'd laugh
but instead i bought two murray's free range chickens
and walked out wondering if she had thin thighs

14 Jun 04

Rated 7.8 (7.5) by 24 users.
Active (24): 1, 1, 2, 5, 6, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (21): 1, 1, 1, 2, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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 — unknown

This is just bad. Sorry to say. First of all, the "what about my face " is confusing, because we don't know whose face you're talking about. If she's asking what about your face, or hers. And... it has potential MAYBE, but this needs a lot of work.
 — Jsmiles05

JSmiles05 ~ you dont know anything. when he said 'what about my face?", it was the girl talking, as in "ok you like my boobs but what about my face" type thing. dont judge a poem just because you're too stupid to understand what it means.
nice poem hank i like it.
 — unknown

lol you dumbass Jsmiles, read line 6, "She'd have said what about my face", if "she" would have said it, why would it have been his face? lol wow...
 — unknown

This flows well and made me laugh.  Good job.
 — unknown

what's wrong with being shallow? some of the most beautiful bodies of water i've ever seen have been shallow. shallow is as good as deep. shallow is good! shallow is nice! shallow is ankle deep and that's deep to a grub and a minnow! bird baths are only 2" deep and they love them! i'll forever defend shallow from unknowns.
 — hank

line 3:  "no we don't COMMA, but I love those COMMA, she answered"
line 5:  "I didn't COMMA, but I should have"
line 6 and line 7:  COMMA after "said" both places
line 9: drop the "but" and begin with capital "Instead, I bought..."
also--should be a CAP on "Murray's chicken"
line 10: instead of beginning with "and" I would suggest a period at the end of line 9 and beginning the next line with:  "Then walked..."
Overall, this was a pleasant little ditty.
If anything, I would lengthen this slightly... more comparisons to the nipples... more graphic detail.  
 — aforbing

what does the word COMMA mean? we don't COMMA? is that a verb?
 — unknown

I am telling him that is where he should insert a comma, for better flow...
I did that so he got my insertion.
 — aforbing

I like this lusty little poem about a missed opportunity.  This made me smile.
 — akiikii

aforbing, don't you think, all those, COMMA'S, might, muck it up some?
 — hank

No, I think they will help, that is why I suggested them.  Take it or leave it, after all it's your poem.
 — aforbing

maybe a period here and there?
 — hank

This got me giggling.  I can't say that I'll ever check the produce the same way!  Oh, the things we should have said.

Fun read.  Really shows a great sense of humor and irony.
 — Isabelle5

Some punctuation additions would clear up misunderstanding for certain readers who can't otherwise figure out a cadence on their own, though I think it works pretty well as it stands. I like the initial image of the nipples doing the "shooting" and the fact that this captures the run of your mind during a brief exchange where hormones jumped in.
 — jak

ummmmmmmmmmm........i dont like this poem.....sorry  
 — bangnblondey

don't apologize
 — unknown

I think the first line takes away from the good nature of this poem It makes it seem a little perverted, even though it doesn't turn out that way. I like it overall though. Nice job. I like how quickly you admit that you didn't say line 4. and then launch right into what the rest of the conversation would have entailed. funny stuff.
 — dorzia

 — silly

someone's an ee cummings fan...
 — LauraLea2

i cracked a smile. very entertaining.
 — fracture

love is shallow. and sex wouldn't be so good without shallowness. imagine if you didn't care so much how how the legs wrapped around you were? that's be just nasty.

love the first line. :)
 — thirdeyris

this always tickles me pink... I love it!
It doesn't get enuff play, methinks.
It ought to be in the Weekly Top 40!
 — aforbing

I like it, it ends well
 — mindful

no, it didn't. i never saw her again, much less got her into my bed.
 — hank

Needs work
 — saturated

the only thing i'm hesitating on his line two--

i think it may be personal, but i don't like the wording. otherwise, it's good.

so are murray's free range chickens.
 — youthculture

Hank--this is STILL good.
Even after reading it again almost a year later.
 — aforbing

 — hank

Shes a bit odd to love parsnips no?
And why the two chickens? where you going to stuff one and eat the other?

I hope you don't mind I rewrote this:

her nipples shot across the produce when she saw me  1
have you any parsnips i asked  2
no we don't but i love those she answered  3
i like your body i said  4
She said how dare you, you pervert, i'm calling the cops
i bought two murray's free range chickens and got the hell out of there 9
and walked out wondering if the chicken had thin thighs
 — mr_e

I like this every single time I read it and yes, here it is again almost a year later.  Props to you!  (Someone finally explained to me what that means so now I am a cool chick - with gorgeous, not too thin thighs, since no one asked.)

 — Isabelle5

lady, you have beautiful thighs;)

this still puts a smile on my face too, hank.
 — unknown

If you don't ask you don't get

Larry under the boardwalk Lark
 — larrylark

im really sorry but it just dosent appeal to me in the slightest
 — unknown

your spelling is horrible.
 — hank

This is so funny
and sexy.
Parsnips and nipples in the same thought
is just too good.
Very cool.
 — Krttika

it's certainly a contender for best opening line ever.
i read this with more than one she.
maybe i'm pushing things too much.

good read
 — kaleidazcope

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 — unknown

oh, i think this is cute and cheerful and maybe a bit longing. i like the uninterrupted flow of it.

very catchy first line. XD
 — Kayleigh

I love this poem. In a way, it's almost romantic (if you squint your eyes and stand on your head).

I don't think there should be any changes to the punctuation, it's fine as it is.
 — Lia

haha...this actually made me giggle.  i like it lots....it's very.....well.......i cant think of the word i'm looking for, but i like it.
 — woman_power

 — unknown

 — noodleman

hehe. so simple and so true. i have no idea what a parsnip is, but good work!
 — charango

line five, actually is a no no
line ten slays me

this poem begins
with such great power but then
it lets me down. *sigh*
 — megabyte

are there no no's in poetry?
 — hank

yes, yes there
 — megabyte

i think you should channge lines five through seven.

you should also feel lucky, because it's six-am, and you're the first person to witness the break in my haiku streak.
 — megabyte

There are no nono's in poetry just nonocritics with nonobrains. This has always been one of my favorite poems on here.

The Poetry God
 — unknown

don't be bitter, unknown, it's bad for your complexion.
 — megabyte

i think you should change.
 — hank

very funny!!!!!! we all are scared when it comes down to it.could use some punctuation, it would make this a lot easier to read.
 — SweetPain

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i like this. it's playful, and alarmingly close to a story a friend told me yesterday, about mangoes, texture and grocery boys
 — berrykid

Are thin thighs good, hank? What are the those that she loved? Your chickens?
Amusing and very skillful because I want to be there watching this flirtation rise then fizzle. Great stuff.
 — unknown

I like this , I can see you kicking yourself after leaving the shop .
Also its interesting to see the comments from some of the older P/C people , how they bleat on about commas , punctuation and CAPS
( nice sometimes how things never change )
 — unknown

I've done this so many times.
I recommend "The Game" by Neil Strauss.
 — aurelius

This poem was like a splash of color after reading a lot of black and white. You certainly start this off with a roar, nipples shooting across produce ought to wake anyone.

You capture a moment most have had, but describe the details specific to your encounter well. Your language is efficient and I love your description in L9. I think you did a good job of deciding what to put in and what to leave out.

Your title sets the scene well.

Good poem, made me laugh. I don't agree with those who said this is shallow or perverted, just a window into the male mind.
 — rocket

this poem made me angy, but I love a good fight so I dig it.

I noticed you bought some "chickens". Is that you projecting?
 — jezkuh

thith poem ith not
a downer
pleathe accept a (rare)
 — chuckles

I really cant tell what is going on without punctuation. This poem makes no sense whatsoever. Sorry.
 — jrnuzum

Your name sounds like spunk . sorry .
 — unknown

  An honest, unpretentious, poem. It made me laugh. That is refreshing in itself.
 — Giardina47

this poem made me sad :(
but that means its good :)
 — jeremybeadle

Small hand .
 — unknown

yeah, this is great,
thanks for the giggles.
 — jenakajoffer

This isn't a poem! Saying what you should of done isn't a poem. Also, it is shallow. Save yourself the embrassment and cut your dick off now. It is no good for anything after all we don't want more little (insert your name here) running around. If you don't do this I fear for the future.
 — Jillian

everyone has dissected it the way it should be. nice work and humor.
 — listen

I think it should be "She'd have asked" in L6, but other than that I thought this was awesome. Pretty shallow, but It hink that's the point. Leaves us all lingering adn wanting, that's for sure! Good stuff.
 — bbucsis

Very shallow, but entertaining nonetheless.  Ah, but what's the point of poetry?  Entertainment or enlightenment?  And who is to decide?  I liked it.
 — For_Forsaken

I know that girl near the produce...and her thighs are thin. 9/10
 — Henry