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shiny silver weapon
gnormal

here come the man.    fresh from his doest.
 1
living off the land.     world without rust.
 2
 
 
- man gets warmer -
 3
 
 
we're pretty sweet. we wash ourselves.
 4
we think up things to do.
 5
we notice death, discover time,
 6
develop taste for stew.
 7
 
 
caught animals.  ingested them.
 8
fuck berries.  we got nuts.
 9
we keep them in our leather pouch
 10
(and show them to the sluts!)
 11
 
 
now we're talking.  this is life.
 12
we're getting, getting good.
 13
this is the way that things must stay
 14
in Fire Neighborhood.
 15
 
 
we new it all.  we rapped it up.
 16
we called it set in stone.
 17
if we just had slightly harder stuff...
 18
the marble of a bone.
 19
 
 
in time our red hot blood we smelt
 20
ore tasted heavy earth
 21
and found, twisting our mettle,
 22
that iron pierces girth.
 23
 
 
oiled blade hollowed to muzzle.  
 24
so more oily we required
 25
to keep that silver sliding
 26
through our countless barrels fired.
 27
 
 
we thank Domestic God for this:
 28
the climax of climbing inside!
 29
ourselves our own well-oiled missiles.
 30
We shoot Them as we ride.
 31
 
 
the pricing of share is falling
 32
our whored is growing thin
 33
they'll ploughnd it into shares.
 34
on our collective chin.
 35
 
 
- cooling off period -
 36
 
 
my ax is ground.     i chop the dirt.
 37
i cleave the clod.     i wet my shirt.
 38

13 Oct 02

Rated 8 (7.3) by 2 users.
Active (2): 6, 10
Inactive (7): 4, 6, 6, 8, 8, 8, 9

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(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

go back and fix the typos, they really distracted me from enjoying the rest of the poem. i like the way that the beginning and the concluding lines are divided in half like that, i think it implies a very cool rhythm. i also think that you should alter line 36 to something more parallel to line 3, to act as bookends of sorts. overall, sort of okay. after you make some revisions, it will be very cool.
 — done

improved bookends. thanks. (there are no typos.)
 — gnormal

is rapped a typo? it's distracting either way.
my attention span is just too short for your new style.
 — jade

I read it, but I can't remember it at all.
 — Moose

there are some poems you just have to log in for and rate
 — unknown

IW.thank you. i was walking now for 20 years. and today i fell. time is not an invention. it is a discovery.
 — unknown

Clever, very clever. And also pretty darn funny.
 — otherguy

How did you come up with this? I think it's brilliant
 — Lia

wow, came up as random, never read this before. love it. now im going to fuck my girlfriend, make good love. llove like we werer supposed to. thanks.

what animals.
 — hank

nya nya
 — unknown

i can't believe i'm the only person to have this in my favourites. as i said before, it's brilliant.
 — inutile

i agree inutile, though when reading through this
person's inventory, it quickly becomes apparent
that this type of poem for this author has undergone
much refinement over time. or perhaps the devices
they use have become refined...
 — unknown

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