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May you be forty years in Heaven before the Devil knows you're dead
nickiblitz

A humid breeze sways the delicate dandelion heads outside,
 1
and I tug on my itchy black wool skirt.
 2
The minister drones on,
 3
reminds me of bees in summer.
 4
 
 
The air is heavy with emotion
 5
people are crying
 6
yet I am dry-eyed.
 7
 
 
Strange, we were the bestest friends.
 8
 
 
I knew you when we were both girls
 9
we played with Barbies,
 10
graduated to kissing boys,
 11
smoking hashish.
 12
And we grew up,
 13
became more introspective
 14
(amazing how life brings out the pilosopher in us all)
 15
 
 
We crashed our first car together,
 16
lost our virginities in the same room,
 17
to the same guy,
 18
(of course, we didnt know that at the time)
 19
 
 
 
 
And... now you're gone.
 20
hard to believe that you're
 21
never going to laugh at my corny jokes;
 22
never going to cry over mushy chick flicks;
 23
never going to be there for me,
 24
I'll never hug you again.
 25
 
 
And now its my turn,
 26
I step up onto the pulpit, clear my throat.
 27
 
 
"May you have food and raiment,
 28
A soft pillow for your head,
 29
May you be forty years in heaven
 30
Before the devil knows you're dead"
 31
 
 
I smile through my tears,
 32
I can almost hear your laughter
 33
cos I know you hated traditional boring funeral speeches.
 34
I shocked the mourners
 35
as I started laughing
 36
and crying,
 37
before walking to your casket
 38
and pressing a kiss
 39
upon your cold, still lips.
 40
 
 
My hot tears wet your cold cheek,
 41
stain your white silk blouse. Blouse, I ask you.
 42
You never wore a blouse in your life.
 43
 
 
And before they drag me away
 44
their faces red with mortification,
 45
I drop a single rose onto your folded hands.
 46
 
 
A single champagne-coloured, salmon-tipped rose.
 47
 
 
Your favourite.
 48
 
 
Sleep well my friend, we will meet again.
 49

May you have food and raiment,
A soft pillow for your head,
May you be forty years in heaven
Before the devil knows you're dead.

That poem is a traditional irish toast. i was inspired by it, so decided to put it in as well. Hope y'all like it!

6 Jun 04

Rated 7.3 (7.4) by 3 users.
Active (3): 6, 8
Inactive (4): 7, 7, 8, 9

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(13 more poems by this author)

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Pecka
shadowskiss



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Comments:

I first heard this blessing when I was around six or seven years old, so I'm familiar with it.
The poem needs to work on grammar and punctuation. Capitalize your "I"s. L8 - no "bestest". Sure, it's cute, but it doesn't work. All but maybe the first of the "ands" from l10-13 have to go. Try:
"I knew you when we were both girls
and we played with Barbies,
graduated to kissing boys,
smoking hashish.
And we grew up,
became more philosphical."

L20 - take out the dash after "you're". L26 - try "I step up onto the pulpit, clear my throat."
L31 - "Through" not "thru". That whole stanza needs punctuation.
You need a space on l46 after the comma.
Hope this helped! I think this poem really has potential; keep working on it!
 — claudia

Thank you, Claudia. As you can see, i made a couple of canges, but not all because that was the way i meant it to be. The space after the comma was a typo, fixed. =]
 — nickiblitz

*changes. :shakes fist at keyboard: i hate my keyboard!
 — nickiblitz

try capitalizing all your I's and change "thru" to through on L31. overall, i liked this poem. especially from L9 to L14. losing your virginity to a guy along with ur "bestest" friend... that was weird :P heh,  i'll write more when my head gets lighter... and a rating too.

mrkhoo
 — unknown

Any more comments, anyone? Tell me what you think! Is it good? Bad? Average? C'mon.....
 — nickiblitz

Very sweet narative.
 — akiikii

better
 — unknown

Better than?
 — nickiblitz

I like it. I feel the same way about how soemtimes funerals don't represent someone as they were or how they would like to be remembered. So I like that aspect. Better than hearing about the same old topics all of the time. Glad I checked it out.
 — dorzia

Thank you, Dorzia. =]
 — nickiblitz

Nicki-

At first-glance it seemed long but held my attention no problem. And nice ending too, I like how you separated the last few lines. On the bad/average/good scale it's definitely in the good!

I like the idea of 'bestest' if it's in reference to a point in the story where the two girls were young. But I trip on it where it is, because you use it in a sentence that's part of the present or recent past, not part of the beginning of the story. If it had been part of the next line, something like 'when we were little girls we were bestest friends' then I'd go for it. In its current placement though, it sticks out to me.
ll 14 -15 -- can one of the 'philosophicals' be something else? It seems redundant (it's funny how things stick out when they're redundant). ;)

Hope that helps!
 — Greg

I changed the first 'philosophical' to 'introspective'. What do you think now?
 — nickiblitz

LIne 46 was your strongest...
I like what's going on here.
I really can't point to any changes that I would make.
This stands well as is.  Nice job!
 — aforbing

This made me want to call my best friend and tell her that I love her now, so she knows. I wouldn't change anything. Good form, good word choice, good thought communication. Thanks.
 — Cella

Wow. That's high praise! Thank YOU. No need to thank me, lol. Glad you like it!
 — nickiblitz

I really liked this poem, it makes me think of how death is a time of dark sadness but also sweet memories, well written girl!
 — lovespell21

Thank you! =]
 — nickiblitz

this is your best poem yet. best friends..what the heck do we do without them, eh!? i love 40 to 42. it captures the best friends personality.
 — wendz

The only thing I like is te tittle~
 — Alone90

Thanks, Wendz. Yeah, best friends are the best (no pun intended), and I was thinking about what life would be like without her, I think it'll be a very lonely existence. Glad you like it!
 — nickiblitz

Cliched, cliched, cliched.
 — unknown

To me this doesnt read as an actual experience.  People dont drag you away from a pulpit in red faced mortification if you lose it up there.  this doesnt ring true.. The best part of the poem is the part you borrowed.
Some technical corrections:
- pilosopher
- virginities
 — unknown

'borrowed'? which part was it?
 — nickiblitz

Im lazy
so i dont feel like reading it
 — unknown

I somehow stumbled upon this on the internet and am very taken by your poem.  My favorite line (keep in mind I am not a poem critic, just a fan) - were lines 40 and 41.  They showed that you knew her better than most people and it actually made my stomach hurt to read it.   I also liked that you knew she would laugh at the boring funeral speeches.  Very real.  Good Job!
 — unknown

this is a not bad poem >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>..
 — unknown

no...  dosent really work for me
 — unknown

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