poetry critical : poem

The Paradox of the Egg

ShelbyS

Time is relative.

“The paradox of the egg!” she screamed,	1
her eyes ablazed with glory	2
and fevered use of	3
herbal remedy.	4

(You always were one to enjoy	5
life's simplistic ways.)	6

Pseudo-intellectual at her usual,	7
always striving too hard in an	8
effort to be more like	9
good old Freud,	10
but missing the key all the while.	11

I emulated Aleister, as	12
imitation is the sincerest form	13
of flattery, and you expected	14
nothing less.	15

And all the while,	16
we were so busy crushing adams.	17
The two of us, in obvious lust,	18
too obsessed to see life	19
passing us by	20
in thorough chaos and disbelief.	21

Sitting entranced,	22
minds abust with cosmo	23
and laughing all the while, I	24
missed my chance in	25
layers of mistrust and	26
abstinence of thought.	27

And I’ve hated every moment after.	28

31 May 04

Rated 9 (9) by 1 users.

Active (1):
Inactive (1): 9, 9

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PailSo

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Comments:

i love it.

-britt.
— unknown

i wonder...
— unknown

while that is good that you wonder, do you wonder anything in particular?

that may have been a friend of mine, Im not sure.

poets ignore these comments!

{Shelby}
— ShelbyS

omg shelby...i love this poem!!!! is is so complicated and yet simplictic at the same time, the way it speaks to me, well, i don't know if that's what it's suppossed to say what it says TO ME, but it speaks to me in such swee lyrical bliss that i could read it over and over again. i thouroughly enjoyed it.

~rae
— unknown

this is great. i love |10-13, as well as |1-4

this is good stuff. great ending as well, i have no suggestions for improvement. i wish i could give you some crit worth reading, but this is just too good.
— AEOS

comment on this, puh-leaze.
— ShelbyS

is the girl of your poem meant to be a girlfriend or something? i know people like her. they make me think nasty thoughts. i read this as something about a guy who i guess missed his chance with that chick, and that he regrets it. i dont know. the meaning is a bit ambiguous to me, i think thats why youre not getting as many comments, even though this is written well.

maybe chuck in a stanza explaining the importance of the girl, and hint at who the 'we' of l16 is. and indicate what chance it was you missed, like romantic or carpe diem or whatever.
— wendz

I agree, its a bit jumbling.

Ill try to fix it up.

{Shelby}
— ShelbyS

updated. tell me what you think.

{Shelby}
— ShelbyS

zan?
— unknown

your second last stanza explains a great deal more, but now what you had the first time was missing. post the first one up in a comment, so we can have a comparison? my lit teacher taught us that simplistic is a bad word, as it means way too simple, whereas simple is good, so maybe you could substitute that. you have also used that word twice.
— wendz

Ill have to retype the original. Changed one of the 'simplistics' by the way, thanks.

{Shelby}
— ShelbyS

Very mind wandering...I really like it, you've got pretty cool style.
— joeomo

Hah I love this, at first I totally didnt understand any of it but after reading it through a few times it came to me. I especially like line 2, there's something about the word 'ablazed' that stands out to me, I can really picture that, 'ablazed with glory'.. nice. I've also noticed that in a few of your poems (or maybe it was just the other one I read) you throw in little comments such as lines 5-6. I believe in the other one it was "You never were the reliable one", correct me if I'm wrong. I like this a lot. It makes it seem more personal in a way.. I'm not quite sure how, but I like that. I love how you have lots of 'complex' words. Some poems you can just fly through without thinking twice. This poem literally makes me slow down and read each stanza carefully to get the full effect of it. The effort you put into this is shown greatly and I like that a lot better than some poems that seem to have been written in 5 minutes (not yours, but I wont mention any names). This has a very nice ending, too. It's simple and in-your-face. Fantastic. 9.
-Tara
— mama

FUCK U BITCH
— unknown

Im not even sure what that means. maybe U is supposed to mean you? words that have more than one letter have them for a reason, you special person.

Shelby
— ShelbyS

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