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Our Glass
Greg

Swirling heat surrounds us
 1
passing freely between
 2
life flows as one
 3
through body and soul
 4
 
 
My hand gently invites you
 5
your breasts sweetly welcome
 6
the wetness and warmth
 7
of mouth and touch
 8
 
 
Rising and falling in rhythm
 9
with your breath, I guide you
 10
to our special place
 11
unguarded and openly wanted
 12
 
 
But circumstance betrays desire
 13
and gentle knocking
 14
chases our passion
 15
fleeing to far corner
 16
 
 
And the fickle flecks that fall
 17
and force us toward rising sun
 18
chide our wanting eyes
 19
for sleep's touch
 20
 
 
Yet to sacrifice a single grain
 21
for reason copious or grand
 22
would deny the new breath
 23
created by our love
 24

14 May 04

Rated 9 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (1): 7, 9

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(19 more poems by this author)

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amy
elysium



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Comments:

OK, everyone keeps pairing us up in everything anyway, no more beating around the bush.  You've captured it perfectly!  You are incredible....in every way.   You may have even just inspired me to try writing something again.  
I don't even mind the lack of punctuation.  It doesn't need it.  You placed everything so well that it doesn't need it.  I feel so honored (she draws in her breath with her lips slightly parted) to be able to add this to my favorites.
 — amy

Amy, I don't know what to say. Except, *GASP!* You are so valued!
 — Greg

This is so sweet. I really like the last stanza, and the thought and inspiration behind it...well that's just adorable. Aww.
 — youbrokeme

Do you really know Amy?  
 — unknown

If the unknown would a), reveal themselves and b), comment on this poem, I'd be happy to reveal whether I know Amy or not.
 — Greg

I like the title a lot. And Greg, i already did post on this, I was "youbrokeme." Just so you know. :)
 — pennylane

Oh, that was you? Sorry, I forget about double-pseudonyms sometimes...

Thanks for posting again!
 — Greg

Sure thing. np
 — pennylane

i like stanzas 1,2 and 3, but the rest just kinda blurs for me. lack of sleep most probably. betwixt of l2 kinda kills me, it feels out of context. love the imagery.
 — wendz

Hi Wendz, thanks for the comments -- would between instead of betwixt be less distracting?

The last three stanzas are a little more local (as in, you had to be there to get them). I don't want to just delete them because it has significant personal meaning, but if I can make them clearer to the general audience I'd love to. Here's the meaning behind them, please tell me if it makes sense:

stanza 4: directly follows the build of passion of the first 3 stanzas, when we're interrupted by someone knocking at the door, and I run to the corner and hide to wait for them to leave.

stanza 5: when they've gone, we continue making love, driven from sleep by our passion, even though the hour is late. The 'fickle flecks that fall' were meant to symbolize an hour glass, the sand falling and the hour growing late (also the play on the title).

stanza 6: basically I was trying to say that 'I wouldn't trade it for the world.' But that sounded a little too cliche :)

So please tell me what you think. If it just doesn't make enough sense without the explanation I'll change it, I'd love some more specific suggestions.

Thanks for the feedback!
 — Greg

i didnt like it at first but once i heard your meaning of some of the stanzas i actually like it a lot...cute very cute!
 — unknown

I'm glad you like it, just wish I could get it across without the explanation. Thanks for the comment though!
 — Greg

I get it and I enjoyed this, but some of the wording was distracting to me.  "Betwixt" in line two doesn't seem to fit the language of the rest of the poem to me.  "Free between" or "freely between" might work better, and the continuance of the consonant sound would be a nice effect.  You might look for another word for "invited" in line 12, since there was already invitation and welcome in the previous stanza...it seems repeatitive.  "yonder" in line 16 also bothers me for the same reason "betwixt" did.  I think that there could be a more appropriate verb than "bind" in line 18.  I like the stucture in this poem, and the sentiment.  The narrative and length are both good.  I just think the wording could be a little better in these places.  Good work overall.  
 — akiikii

**clears her throat**  Dresses or Drycleaning?  IM.
 — amy

amy, was I meant to understand that, or was that for Greg?  Lost, Akiikii
 — akiikii

I think that comment from Amy was for me Akiikii.

Speaking of, thank you for your comments. I had been resisting on changing those words, but it's sticking out to multiple people, so, enough said. I'll take a look at your word suggestions and make some adjustments. Thanks!
 — Greg

Hey, I came across this again as a random. I like the change of 'betwixt', that was waay too old school for me. I get it now, very clever with the explanation. I like!
 — wendz

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