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The Unbearable Unfinished-ness Of Our Love Poe..
thesilencing

The Official Onkel Chrispy Vibrating Cloud Poetry Challenge

So gravity has packed his bags and gone to Hawaii for his one time fun holiday
 1
and now all the little carrots and their little orangey sounds are floating around in the newborn air,
 2
as are the friendly sea creatures from that pink syrupy liquid (formerly known as the sea),
 3
and all their friendly jabberings.
 4
 
 
How perfectly unfathomable and wonderful it must be to be the laughter of non-existent children,
 5
or perhaps the collective sighs of a nation when they realise it was all a big conspiracy
 6
and that some poor guy didn't really suffer the torture of a giant centipede escaping from his anus
 7
and that it wouldn't really happen to them.
 8
 
 
When I think of that time I think of colours,
 9
of crimson and
 10
of teal and
 11
of bottle green all intermingled, and
 12
the sound of your fingers tapping gently on my back.
 13
 
 
I remember that robot who smoked his pipe constantly,
 14
Juan, I recall, was his name,
 15
and his whiskey shots that malfunctioned his mechanical brain (bless him), so that he was obsessed with the shape of those rhombuses.
 16
 
 
He sure as Hell dug those four straight edges and that slightly jaunty angle,
 17
and so he showed us his rhombussy child's tree house,
 18
where we slept that night, chain smoking cigarettes, playing cards at the little table
 19
and sitting in the little chairs.
 20
 
 
And all the little floating carrots with their little floating orangey sounds
 21
with gravity packed and up and off.
 22
 
 
In case you hadn't noticed,
 23
this is a love poe...
 24

9 May 04

Rated 8.8 (6.5) by 7 users.
Active (7): 1, 5, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (11): 1, 1, 1, 4, 5, 6, 6, 8, 9, 9, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(15 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)
crimsontears
Inuki
shakeit



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Comments:

Haha. I like it. Very clever. I bow.
 — OKcomputer

Can't we keep this contrived junk in the forum?
 — unknown

10. 10. 10! creative, clever, no spelling or grammar errors (that i caught)... again, creative. anyway, made my favorites. keep writing!  
 — crimsontears

"Contrived junk"? Oh, how I loathe unknowns. Someone needs to tell them to shut-up and get off their high horses, since they don't even have the guts (or skill) to identify themselves. (Yeah, that's right, you loser.)

I really love this poem. I agree with crimsontears. This is definitely either a 9 or a 10 poem.

I especially loved the first stanza- all the "ee" sounds gave it a very light, childish air about it that was particularly wonderful.

The second stanza gave me a sharp turn-around... the first two lines made me sigh because I thought it was going to turn into a big political anti-Bush statement about terrorism... but when I read the following two lines I was so relieved I was laughing, despite the crude wording.

The third stanza is simply beautiful... I can't say any more.. the imagery is delicious.

The fourth stanza is really nice as well. It brings back some of the cutesy imagery from the first stanza, and the humour from the second stanza as well.

I'd say my favourite lines were 2 - 4.

I'm not sure how I feel about the cut off "poem" part, but I can't say that it damaged the poem any, either.

Really nice piece!
 — Inuki

Inuki have a luki - http://poetry.tetto.org/forum/read/9198/
 — unknown

Be that as it may, I won't retract my comments. ^_^ I still really like this poem.. Even if it's partially Onkl's genius at work- besides, it's not really *that* contrived... think how tightly structured sonnets are, yet poets were able to create everything from crap to masterpieces in them.. or Sestinas? I don't think form should be an issue- it doesn't make this any more "contrived" because if you're going to call this contrived, then you'd better eliminate all found poems from the site as well.... Poetry shouldn't have a "limit" in my opinion... that's just being closed-minded.

Personally, I think this piece handles the guidelines very well, and still creates an extremely unique piece. ^^
 — Inuki

craaaaaaaaaaaappppppppppppppppyyyyyyyyyyy..get a life and write some real poems plz
 — unknown

How on earth can you compare this to a sonnet?  Did William Shakespeare have some onky telling him what words and ideas he had to use in his compositions. Perhaps you even believe that his plays were really written by a pipe smoking alcoholic robot called Juan and his giant anusian centipede.

Don't bother retracting your opinions.  I'm happy to watch you dangle from them.
 — unknown

To the last unknown, it's sort of sad you can't (or refuse to) spell out the word "please." Get a life, read a dictionary.
 — Rixes

R U reely oanly  15?!
 — unknown

this is really good. second stanza is amazing. i love the first line, also. and the ending is very clever.

i like.
 — AEOS

i agree with inuki. i read this, and i read the contest topic, and then i read it again...my opinions on it haven't really changed. it's nice. it doesn't JUST fit the requirements, it has other things. it's unique.
 — sandwiches

I know this isn't a forum..

But "don't bother retracting"? Don't BOTHER? I wouldn't "bother" for anyone- especially not you, because you're not going to make me back down...

It's also thought that William Shakespeare might not have even written half the stuff we have under his name- just as many of the famous artists barely did half the art work we have under their name- a lot of them had helpers / assistants that did most of the actual "work", while they would just do outlines.

Anyway, I agree with Sandwiches, I took time to read most of the other entries, and each one had an entirely different tone- this piece handled it quite differently from some of the others ones, one of which, in fact, had a much more somber tone, etc.
 — Inuki

nice
 — unknown

your detractors are sad horses ass whiney haters. unable to create any goodness, and lacking in any talent to participate in "The Official Onkel Chrispy Vibrating Cloud Poetry Challenge" they feel the need to deconstruct and negativ-ify. poor people, give them your pity.

this poem is a glorious discoball of refreshing fruit refreshments. i enjoyed it, you did good. buy yourself candy!
 — onklcrispy

this is so so cool.
 — wendz

That's the second time today I've laughed out when reawding someone's comments.  I agree with Onklcrispy though, you should buy yourself some candy!  :)  I did this challenge today and it was harder than I thought it would be.  I am impressed with your creativity as usual.  Some people just don't get it.  I wouldn't pay attention to the critical unknowns that have so graciously placed their comments under your poem.  (As if you ever should, but still).  The proof that they could do better lies in their posting a response to the challenge with their name attached to it!  Great job.  If you get a chance I'd love to see what you think of mine.  

(By the way, the other laugh I got today was from 'ball'.  Someone's comment was "Stop smoking crack"  or something like that.  Ha!  
 — amy

wow this was a contest? thats crazy i wanna try. lol. anyway i still think you did an awesome job, but now i have to give the creativity award to whatshisname (Onklz?) but I agree with Inuki, you did quite an awesome job with it.
 — crimsontears

the part about Juan was clever and all, but i guess it just has that air of "i did this just to fulfill the requirements, you know??  that's what i got out of it.. it was okay though, i guess.
 — unknown

Slightly edited

Here is the original.

So gravity has packed his bags and gone to Hawaii for his one time fun holiday
and now all the little carrots and their little orangey sounds are floating around in the newborn air,
as are the friendly sea creatures from that pink syrupy liquid (formerly known as the sea),
and all their friendly jabberings.

How perfectly unfathomable and wonderful it must be to be the laughter of non-existent children,
or perhaps the collective sighs of a nation when they realise it was all a big conspiracy
and that that guy didn't really suffer the torture of a giant centipede escaping from his anus
and that it wouldn't really happen to them.

When I think of that time I think of colours,
of crimson and
of teal and
of bottle green all intermingled, and
the sound of your fingers tapping gently on my back.

I remember that robot who smoked his pipe constantly,
Juan, I recall, was his name,
and his whiskey shots that malfunctioned his mechanical brain (bless him), so that he was obsessed with the shape of those rhombuses.

Man he dug those four straight edges and that slightly jaunty angle,
and so he decided to show us his rhombussy child's tree house,
where we slept that night, chain smoking cigarettes, playing cards at the little table
and sitting in the little chairs.

And all the little floating carrots with their little floating orangey sounds
with gravity packed and up and off.

In case you hadn't noticed,
this is a love poe...
 — thesilencing

jaunty.
you get points just for using a word i love so much.

i love the lines about the carrots and their little floating orangey sounds.

wonderfully written.
it puts images in my head, but not your normal, every day life kind of images.
i like that.
 — shakeit

23-24 is, I guess, the punchline(?), with its suggestion that Juan isn't the only one with a malfunctioning brain. If this is a slap to conventional writing, I really like it.
 — Anarch

Don't you find it slightly amusing when your own poem is the random poem?
 — thesilencing

dude you kneed to get a life your poem career is over give it up
fromjulia molitor
 — unknown

Alas, last commenter, I fear you are right. My poetry feels all dried up. I'm working on it though. As for a life, I do indeed have one, thankyou very much.
 — thesilencing

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