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Becoming God
AEOS

This is my attempt at rhyming poetry.


I've torn hair from the head of Jesus,
 1
severed an angel's wings.
 2
I've overthrown empires and cured diseases.
 3
I've heard the sirens sing.
 4
 
 
They're nothing more than human,
 5
and nothing less than hate.
 6
I've sprinkled lye in the eyes of your savior.
 7
Judgment day came too late.
 8
 
 
I walked on water, endured the thorns.
 9
For these apostles, existence was borne.
 10
 
 
I carried the cross
 11

25 Apr 04

Rated 6.3 (6.6) by 5 users.
Active (5): 1, 3, 7, 7, 9, 9, 10
Inactive (18): 1, 1, 1, 3, 4, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

Holy shit...There are no words to express how good this is. Best yet..I say. Keep writing -- you may change the world one day with your words.
 — No_Cause

wow
 — CrazyInLove

I can't even describe how much I like this...so massively good. I don't usually give out tens, but I'll make an exception this time. Keep up the good work!
 — Davezilla

wow gordo its awesome
 — unknown

Good attempt. :)
 — Hmm

who is the unknown who knows my name? haha. and... thank you for all the "wow"s.
 — AEOS

Seriously AEOS. Ive said I loved your stuff before but this is beyond amazing. The only thing is the end. I think that ending it at L11 is interesting but it makes me feel like its unresolved. That could just be me, but this is such an amazing start in my mind. The first two stanzas are brilliant, and I think if L11 was edited and there was a L12 added, then it could really shine. Just one opinion, but this is definitely going on my favorites list. Keep up the good work, and I agree with Dave on this one. A big 10 to yah.
 — ShelbyS

Perhaps my mind is a few sizes too small, or perhaps it's merely past my bedtime, but I'm not sure I see all the brilliance in this. Maybe I'm just missing it. Of course, I don't really have any constructive criticism either, so I'll come back tomorrow and give it a fresh shot. Sorry if I'm just naive.

~Cella
 — unknown

dont see it either.
 — gnormal

well im not really one to say that myown poetry is so brilliant.. but idk. i guess im glad others like it...

whatever..
 — AEOS

hmm... I don't like the couplet at the end.  otherwise it's good.
 — Mirm

ok well thank all of you. if there are any suggestions on how to change the couplet at the end, then please tell me. i dont wanta take it out.
 — AEOS

well im not christian or anything, but i do think this is really good. the couplet is fine, if anything it adds more to the poem.  but im confused as to weather the "(i carried the cross)" is part of the poem or not, but if it is i would take it out, but thats just me. if you dont take it out, at least get rid of the -->() they arent needed, good job!
 — Darkmagick13

im using the parentheses to sum up the couplet at the end. the existence of the apostles borne on my shoulders, as in carrying the cross. this is why i used the parentheses. it shows that it is directly linked to the final couplet, as well as teh rest of the poem, rather than being a separate stanza or line to itself.

i would take them out if they werent needed. actually, if they werent needed, i proably would have never put them in.
 — AEOS

and just for the record, im not christian either.
 — AEOS

Whoa! your not a Christian???? This is So good, i would have never have guessed you werent!
 — unknown

haha. noooo im not. im quite atheist actually. if you read some of my other work you'll see that. this was just a subject that interested me. and its on everybody's mind now with the release of that movie, so i decided to take all that and make an attempt at rhyming poetry.
 — AEOS

This is the most pretentious thing I have ever read.
 — collyrium

ok... if you say so. i wasnt writing it to be pretentious. im not saying im jesus. im saying that anybody can be a saint in someones eyes... i guess if you cant get past saying its pretentious then you wont really be able to understand the meaning behind it.

saints are/were people too. theyre no more than you and me. theyre just remembered for things they did. thats what makes them saints.
 — AEOS

this is horrible. there is nothing new or important in it. there is no beauty in it. there is nothing.
 — Ananke

I have to say that I find this very hard to like indeed - firstly because of the metric structure - the addition of rhyme only compounds the fact that this doesn't scan and the content - well,  the voice of the poem is so horribly smug - sorry to be so negative - I just can't see much merit in it.
 — opal

well at least youre honest about it. any suggestions on how to make the rhyming work a bit better? or any particular reason why the theme is so 'smug'? just curious...
 — AEOS

...
 — AEOS

If put jesus in something and some people will be deeply offended and others will applaud. It is all perspective i suppose. I like this a lot. I acctually like the "smug" tone of this poem. You show that jesus whats what . . . Good job.
 — InMyBlood

wel its true... but thatll hapen with any writing that doesnt promote 1920s morals. some people will agree and will like it for being good writing, and some will hate it. even writing that is pure imagery, with no underlying meaning or theme, just made for the beauty of putting words together, will still end up having some people who hate it.

you just jave to take it how it is. if you like it you like it and if you dont then you dont. i have no control over that.

thanks for the comments.
 — AEOS

interesting....
 — preacher

i guess i might as well spill the beans right now. haha. i wrote this.

preacher and aeos are the same person. i used preacher to post when i was in between posts on aeos, and eventually forgot about it.

well, isnt this interesting. heh
 — preacher

Here's a thought, AEOS: This is a very good poem with some very good points. Why not try to write it as a Petrarchan sonnet? I know that it will be heard, but it couldn't kill, ya know? If you want help with that, I'd be glad to give it to you. It will help the rhyme to feel natural.
-zep
 — zepplin42

hm... ive heard of those before, but i never really knew what it was... what is the form/style for a petrarchan sonnet? once i know that, i may rebuild this one if it would work out better that way. it sounds like a good idea.
 — AEOS

Well, a Petrarchan sonnet has an 8-line situation and a 6-line response. The best example (which I always recommend to my buddies) is John Keats' "On first looking into Chapman's 'Homer'". When you first read it, you'll probably notice just how amazingly subtly the ninth line changes tone and almost soars through until the end.

The rhyme scheme, which you need not follow, is ABBAABBA CDCDCD. It's a particularly difficult scheme to work out in English, so there aren't many Petrarchan sonnets written in English. The best examples are in Italian and Spanish, if you read. I would suggest that you just try to write your poem down with 8 lines of how things look/looked and follow up with six lines of how you feel about it. You can then try to fit them into the rhyme scheme, or you can just leave it. But I think that the organisation will give you a much stronger focus. The poem is still very good as it stands.
-z
 — zepplin42

thanks. i'll try to put something together with that form, and then if it ends up looking good, i can post it. if not, then i can post it in a comment. hahaha.
 — AEOS

Great! Just post it as a separate poem so that in case it ends up worse than this, you can still have this.
-z
 — zepplin42

just don't see it.
 — SeraphSoul

either you are or your not
despite how good

it is false

srry
 — kronah

...? what's false?

and i either am or am not what? jesus?

that confuses me.
 — AEOS

aand now the comment string has ended. i want some more feedback on this, its one of htose that some people love and soem hate. its real interesting to see all the different opinions.
 — AEOS

In Line 4 do you mean Sirens as in Greek mythology?  If so, that detracts from the theme of the poem.  The focus is on Jesus and suddenly it takes the mind to Sirens, and back to Jesus without giving clear ties between them.
 — unknown

yes it is the sirents as in greek mythology, and its there to add to the theme. its about how all these gods/saints/any of that (sirens included) are nothing more than you and me. so... its there to show that the sirens cant have all this mythological power to attract sailors and whatnot...

i understand it. its hard to explain. hope i could help right there, but im tired and things. not a very good explanation :\
 — AEOS

have to admit this, stupid as this makes me sound..i don't get it. at all. it's too abstract for me. i like 9&10, yet who is the i figure? i'd assume it was jesus from the last line, yet "i've" torn hair from the head of Jesus..
 — wendz

its kind of hard to explain... i guess the best way to say it would be as if im all gods/saints/religious figures rolled into one? (at least in this poem, that would be the 'I' figure). and... yeah. like i said before, its just about the power of human strength. like... all these things that jesus did, and that the characters from greek mythology did, is all just stories. they were all human, and their personalities got so blown up by the tellings of others, that they eventually became gods and saints in the eyes and minds of their posterity.

hope that can help explain it...?
its kind of like my saying... "the bible is an elaborate fairy tale."

thanks for commenting, though.
 — AEOS

رهييييييييييييييييييييييييييييييييييييييييييييييييييييييييييييييييييييب
 — unknown

wow... thats a helpful comment. i really know what it means.
 — AEOS

holly shit.... wow.... yeah.... I love this
 — unknown

heh... yeah thanks.
 — AEOS

even though i didn't get it, i still liked the wording etc of it, in that regard, it's aesthetic. i kinda get it with the explanation, but it still leaves me feeling as if there's more to get, as if i don't know, as if there was MORE to it. maybe i'm just reading too damn deep. frickin hard to do homework and check out this site at the same time.
 — wendz

hahaha. well this is one where i think i might be the only person that ever gets it completely, and thats because im the one who wrote it. if the explanation was easier to put into words, i would be able to do a lot better. its just really hard for me. its this idea that i have that ive never really been able to put into words. this poem is the closest i can come, so if the explanation doesn't really do too much for you, then im not surprised. i wish i could help you understand it more, but i just.. cant.

hm...
 — AEOS

coolie coolie!!!.... this is really good.... i like  your style and its keeps the readers attention.... good job cant wait to see more posts
 — unknown

this is awsome
 — nolovelike

well thank you then. it feels good to get a lot of good crit, and it feels even better to get a lot of bad crit and then fix the poem.

haha
 — AEOS

i like it. wow, i guess is my only real expression for it.
i don't normally like rhyming poetry, save from a few certain writers. but this is written well, and none of the rhymes feel unnatural or forced. wonderful work.
 — shakeit

thank you for commenting on so many of my poems. haha....
 — AEOS

ok so this is slowly climbing the top-rated list and is now at 16.

i would like some more ratings on it and some more comments as well.
 — AEOS

Who the hell do you think you are? God, or something? ;)

Wonderful.
 — pennylane

jesus! oh, bad pun. This is great, I can't believe I haven't replied sooner.
 — Rixes

well thanks to some extra ratings, i'im now number one on the top rated. but i'll be surprised is i stay there long. haha. thanks to all that like it, and...

well, to all that don't, i probably still like some of your stuff. kind of depends who it is though...

idk. i finally have something I can be proud of.
 — AEOS

It rhymes. The pattern changes, but it rhymes. I'll give you that much.

Beyond this? I don't see any sort of substance. It seems like a lot of prattle, if you'll excuse my saying so. It's almost kind of cheesy, in a Hallmark sort of way. I giggled.

(Feel free to rate everything of mine lowly now.)
 — arienette

i won't rate anything of yours 'lowly' unless i feel that it is bad poetry.

that's all i have to say about that. you don't like it, that's you. there are people who do and people who don't and there will be people who like your poetry and people who hate it.

that's just how the world works. you were honest abotu your opinion and that's what matters to me.
 — AEOS

Gordon,  wow!!!  Im a friend of Spong's at Firespark and she just showed me this piece. Ur a great poet !!! Dont stop!!!!
 — unknown

agree with ananke
 — unknown

well thanks much to kate's friend.

this is in no way my best piece. get her to show you some others.
 — AEOS

bars
 — unknown

bars? wtf?
 — AEOS

it's great, awesome, but blasphemy. . .
 — Angelfire

hehe ;D
 — unknown

yeah. blasphemy.

that's my style, i guess.
 — AEOS

great....simply great
 — unknown

You will burn in hell for this kind of poem.
 — unknown

really? well look at things that you've done in your life...

then determine what you are going to burn in hell for.

god's laws go against human nature. everybody is a sinner. there is no such thing as redemption.
 — AEOS

Sounds like the missing verse to Charlene's "I've Never Been to Me." It could be the rhyme scheme that detracts me from the writers intent. I'll have to read it again on another day, when I'm not so cynical.
 — fredlocks2k

Good shit.
 — unknown

thanks.
 — AEOS

A "Herniated" attempt at that. Before you stress yourself with mechanisms that are to cumbersome, in relation to your ability, start with simple rhymes.
 — Rooster

Who is the "they're" of line five?
Other than that, bravo--I dig it.  BTW, I really enjoy that last line--that's a kicker--not that the rest weren't either.
 — unknown

i hate this poem
 — unknown

line 5 - all the gods and martyrs and mythological creatures...

i'm not really any good at rhyming. notice how out of all my poems, this is the only one that rhymes. there's a reason for that  :P

so somebody hates the poem, eh? not the first time somebody's done that. not the first poem somebody's done it to either. it's no problem. but try to see it as a poetic piece instead of letting your view get muddied by personal beliefs and other bullshit like that.
 — AEOS

ok is quite meaningful
 — unknown

quite meaningful.

interesting way to look at it.

that's half the point.
 — AEOS

not to sound like an ass though, because i do appreciate your comments.
 — AEOS

wow, very good!
 — Odin

like others, i'm bothered by the couplet, and figure that you added line 11 to smooth it out ... if so, it's worked

but ... were it me, i'd italicize line 11, so that it seems as though it's spoken out-loud, as opposed to parenthetically inside-the-head.

a strong poem ... i read it aloud, and to myself ... both felt good, though the aloud way was better, since i was able to slow and enjoy the rhyme/rhythm

(found the poem w/the random button)
 — Bloodfetish

omg!!! amazing work. i dont usually go for religious poetry at all, but this is STUNNING. great job. the rhyming is terrific. not forced at all. the rhythm is amazing as well. reads sort of like a tori amos song. *drool*
 — Dom

thank you.

i'll do that change for the last line. this one is old and i didn't really expect to go back to it, but you have a good point about the last line. i'll go ahead and change it.
 — AEOS

in the early purges
 — unknown

the early purges?
 — AEOS

Very Good
 — unknown

thanks
 — AEOS

Holy crap.  Sorry, I couldn't help myself.  This starts off VERY well, then plateaus into some sort of pigeon-holed sense of what a poem like this should be about.
 — themolly

oh well... too late for me to change it now.
 — mould_jesus

indeed what a way to win the hearts of the sinful and crush the hearts of the righteouse.
 — unknown

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