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I'd Hang You On My Wall
Rynne

If I were an artist
 1
I would take up a brush,
 2
coarse bristled so you'd feel it
 3
and make a long stroke,
 4
Black,
 5
across your lips
 6
so that when you would smile,
 7
I would see the danger.
 8
 
 
I would paint your palms red,
 9
Sardius,
 10
my own Stigmata
 11
to remind me that with you
 12
It Was Painful.
 13
 
 
Your lovely blue eyes
 14
I'd smear over in white
 15
so that they couldn't lie
 16
and I wouldn't fall again.
 17
 
 
Then I'd string you up.
 18
Hang you on my wall
 19
as my debut work.
 20
My masterpiece.
 21
 
 
The critics would call me
 22
up and coming
 23
brilliant
 24
and they'd swarm about you
 25
expounding
 26
about the symbolism
 27
and the technique.
 28
 
 
I'd smile graciously
 29
and take photos with them
 30
and answer their questions
 31
politely.
 32
 
 
All while you'd hang on my wall.
 33
Silent
 34
Choking
 35
Tasting black paint
 36
on your tongue.
 37

9 Apr 04

Rated 8.2 (7.6) by 22 users.
Active (22): 1, 2, 5, 6, 6, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (57): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 2, 5, 5, 5, 6, 6, 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(42 more poems by this author)

(49 users consider this poem a favorite)
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x2jocelyn2x



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Comments:

Awesome.  My only suggestion--in the last stanza, I would fix like so:
All the while you'd hang on my wall,
silent,
choking on
black paint in your mouth.
Really good stuff here.  One of the best I've seen on this site.
 — aforbing

Wow, thank you. This is the first of my poems that has been rated a 10. I feel warm and fuzzy. I'll think about that last stanza.
 — Rynne

This could be so good. I was disappointed at the last line however... it wasn't powerful enough.
Also, in your second stanza, I think you should link the "red" and the "painful" together by comparing it to something that's "red" and "painful" at the end of that stanza. "Red and painful like fire burning." Or something like that. Because, it will have more symbolism if you compare it to something that's red and painful. Otherwise, we don't know why red is painful to you... red is the color of roses, cardinals, and many other sweet things. So make us think of the painful red things so we feel that the color red is "painful."
Just my suggestions, it's your poem. I like it, nice job.  
 — Jsmiles05

Rynne, I've posted in the message boards for people to hopefully come and critique this, because I think it could be great if you tweaked it a little. So hopefully the "pro's" will come read this and put in their two cents.
 — Jsmiles05

Jsmiles, thanks for the extra effort you've been giving me and this piece. I really appreciate your suggestions and comments, as well as yours, aforbing.
 — Rynne

It's only because I feel that you and this piece deserve it. But remember to listen constructively to critisism. It's only there to help. So consider Aforbing's "choking" suggestion, because it would make for a more powerful ending. But, I understand if you want your own style, so you don't have to use that.
But, the end should be something other than "because there is black paint in your mouth." It sounds too dull. Sorry if that was harsh! I didn't mean it like that! Just trying to help.
I'll be back to check other people's comments on this, and to see if you've made any changes or anything.
 — Jsmiles05

I understand. I'm not resentful to any criticism I get (unless it's unfounded), and I will wait until I get more perspective to decide what I want to do with this. I'd already changed it a lot from its original draft, so we'll see what happens. I'm definitely going to work on this, because it seems that it's getting a lot of good response. Which makes me happy, because most of my poems seem to fall by the way-side. So, being on the Recent Best list is a major big deal for me!
 — Rynne

i love the metaphors you used in here. all of the color references were so perfectly put together. btw, i added you to my favs. great job!
 — SpunHeart

I definately enjoyed reading this poem and can totally understand why it is in the Recent Best list, as it deserves to be. But as i finished reading I too felt that the last stanza was somewhat of an anti-climax. I have added this to my Fav list, it is one of the best I have read, but I think you should reconsider the ending for more effect and emotion. Great Writing!
-B
 — Bronte

Posted for preservation:

If I were an artist
I would take up a brush,
coarse bristled so you'd feel it
and make a long stroke,
Black,
across your lips
so that when you would smile,
I would see the danger.

I would paint your palms red,
Sardius,
to remind me that with you
It Was Painful.

Your lovely blue eyes
I'd smear over in white
so that they couldn't lie
and I wouldn't fall again.

Then I'd string you up.
Hang you on my wall
as my debut work.
My masterpiece.

The critics would call me
up and coming
brilliant
and they'd swarm about you
expounding
about the symbolism
and the technique.

I'd smile graciously
and take photos with them
and answer their questions
politely.

All while you'd hang on my wall.
Silent
because there is black paint
in your mouth.
 — Rynne

I'm not too happy with line eleven. It seems too... cliche. I'll have to work on that. As far as the last stanza, is it a better impression? Thank you for the comments so far. Bronte and SpunHeart, thanks for adding this piece to your favorites. It's my favorite out of my work, too!
 — Rynne

Line 5:  I stumbled on the word "stifling".  I just feel that this is not the word that you really want.  Otherwise, I like what you've done in your edit.  
Think of the things that the black paint causes him/her.  Perhaps you might use the word "gagging"????  
 — aforbing

I think "choking on black paint" and ending on "black paint" is too dull. Try something- choking on the black paint on your tongue.. or something more descriptive about where the black paint is.
 — unknown

Me again-
i do like the "choking" part though, keep that. But say something that's more descriptive at the end. "In your mouth..." "on your tongue.." something about where the black paint is.
 — unknown

Hi, well first I just absolutely love line 3. It made my spine arch! For the last stanza it made me think something like...

suffocating Silent
black paint in your throat
as you choke

Sorry not at all trying to rewrite your poem
 — unknown

I thought this was a great poem very unique but i didn't like the lines 22-32. they were just kind of besides the point.  LIke youd do it all or make it all up for the plublicity.  But befor and after that is really good.  it caught my attention.  Very creative!!
 — unknown

I don't like the revisions you've made. Stifling doesn't seem right, and your old version was better than this, although that version did need to be perfected. I think there are more changes needed here. Be creative.
 — unknown

The red wine thing isn't working.
 — unknown

Stifling and red wine. Check. Honestly I didn't like it that well either and I was sort of stuck as to what to do with those two stanzas (l9-l13 and l33-l36). I'm definitely working on it though. Thanks for all of your comments!
 — Rynne

All the while you'd hang on my wall
suffocating silently as I gloat
watching you choke
on the black paint
stuck in your throat

I was the unknown that didn't want to rewrite your poem, and here I am again not waiting to rewrite it ;) this is obviously very good and getting lots of feedback but I think the last stanza is tripping this up from being suberb. Personally I like the blood and red wine part, it makes me think of a time when the 2 shared wine when things were good, and now it symbolizes pain. Anyway here is my other thoughts on the last stanza!!

=)
 — warsager

Okay, I changed line eleven and the last stanza. And... I'm really astonished to see this piece in the top rated. Thank you everyone for your help and suggestions! I really appreciate it.

Warsager, your suggestion for the last stanza was pretty good, but I didn't like the rhyming, especially since the rest of the poem doesn't rhyme.

I took out the bit about red wine, because 'red' is mentioned in line nine and I thought it too repetitive. Line eleven was the original line that I'd written, but got changed when I first posted it here. Now I'm thinking I should have stuck with it in the first place.
 — Rynne

Though the writing style of this poem doesn't put me all into a wild ecstasy like some poems can do (Rilke, some Poe, etc.), the concept is clever as hell. I admire you for thinking of it.

I especially like lines 3-11, 15-17, 18-25, 34-37

There a a few tiny things that might be improved for me.. "lovely" could be changed to something more creative, 12-13 seem mediocre to me compared with the rest of this poem, as does 22-32 seem to drag a little and lack the power of many of these other lines. Maybe a few other little things could be made more intricate and powerful, and this poem could be even cooler. But it does kick ass. I like it a lot. Thank you for writing it.
 — elysium

By the way. I liked lined 11, Rynne. I don't find it cliche. I enjoyed the imagery. ::shrug:: Plus it goes really well with 'Sardius'. Maybe if that previous line wasn't there, it would seem more cliche to me, but because they are right next to each other, that whole stanza seems to blend into something highly unique to me.
 — elysium

Rynne, I see you've been making a lot of changes. I'm glad you're working hard on this! I like the changes you've made, this is excellent.
All I have is a minor thing to mention: I think it should be "tasting THE black paint/on your tongue." lol... but that's just me. Nice revisions Rynne!
 — Jsmiles05

I see you changed the Red wine part (and your explanations for it) but I really liked that part! I think it went well with the red paint..I agree about the not rhyming, realizing that now. I guess the only thing is that this seems to need a PUNCH for the last line. Oh well, very well done, take a bow. ;)
 — warsager

Yeah, that's what i've been trying to think of to explain it!!! You need "a punch" at the end Rynne!! I can't believe I couldn't think of that...
 — Jsmiles05

this poem was truly amazing...and really reflects how most people feel when their at ends meet with someone. and you displayed these emotions perfectly! well done.
 — 4get_me_not

i really like this, very powerfull and picture painted (no pun, i swear)
 — Darkestedgex

this is awesome. the images of color, and of hanging this person on the wall.. that amazes me the way you out that in my mind. and then the part with painting white over the eyes... i could just imagine a plain white eye, no iris or pupil. no emotion, no lie.

excellent.
 — AEOS

holy shit... this is one of my favorites
you are a goddam genious
 — Blood

Outstanding, I love the art referance.  What a craetive way to express such feelings without bitterness.
 — Bruce

I know there has been all this talk about changing your last stanza but I think the first versions the best.  I really don't like the version that ends:

All while you'd hang on my wall.
Silent
because there is black paint
in your mouth.

I would, however, start off the line 33 'All the while you'd hang on my wall'.
This is a great poem.
 — Bruce

i miss the symbolism
 — mcahn

Wow this is pretty damn good. Its always fun when personal experiances makes your writing rule. Good job.
 — InMyBlood

wow, is about all i have. This is dark and intimidating and posses such beauty, almost more than the visual of the painting your words gave me. Excellent work.
 — dmartin

Not bad, but doesn't quite do it for me. l3 is quite good, but then lines like 11-13 seem lazy and easy in comparison. Actually, The entire middle of this just doesn't feel like it holds up to the begining and the last two lines. The idea is definitely the strongest point, but the terseness of the sentences doesn't feel like it delivers quite the venom needed. A certain degree of terseness is advantageous here, yes, but... it just really feels like it's missing something.

I wish I could help better, but I can't quite think of what it is that feels missing.
 — semaj

I love the imagery
 — megan-H

Semaj--

I thought about that, but I didn't want this to be an OMG i hate u!!11! poem. A deep but calm anger is more like me, anyway. I see what you are saying, though.

As for those who didn't like lines 22-32, I suppose they could be taken out and not be missed. But I would miss them, because why go to all the trouble of painting someone if you're not going to be at least a little vindictive about it? I think this is the final version of this poem. I've edited it many times now, and for right now, I like it. Maybe once I get away from this piece a bit I can look at it objectively and change it a little more. Thank you so much to everyone who commented! I'm extremely grateful to you all.
 — unknown

Yeah, I agree. I get tunnel vision when I give something too much attention at once. So maybe if you stay away from it for a couple weeks and come back, you will be able to judge it better. As for lines 22-32, I think they are needed, but somehow could be made a little more powerful. I agree the vindictiveness of it all is great. It's more in the way they are written that strikes me as weaker than the rest of the poem, not the underlying idea. Like if the same thing could be said, just a tad more cleverly, they would match the brilliance of some of the other lines. Well, those are my thoughts on this anyway. Take em or leave em.
 — elysium

Awesome.  I like this poem, and I can see why it is number one.  I think i know what this is talking about, since I am sort of good at reading between the lines...sometimes... KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!
     -Buzz
 — unknown

I'm sorry, but I must give this a TEN!!!!!  Great work!!!
 — Zanar

o_0 I don't know how I feel about this, yet.  
But I know it's not good.
 — unknown

I honestly think that the first stanza is one of the most amazing things I have ever read.

HOWEVER.

The rest of the poem slowly dies.

So, I'd rewrite it--or you could just end it after the first stanza.
 — collyrium

Very, very good.  We could all take a cue.
 — Isabelle5

good work!
 — Ozymandias

nope
 — unknown

love line 5-6 and 9-17 . great work
 — lilminx506

The first stanza was the strongest. It was a powerful piece, one that I could relate to. I disagree with the first comment about this piece, from "aforbing" about the last stanza. I like "tasting black paint on your tongue"- I think it's a good closing and dislike "choking on black paint in your mouth"

There are some technical revisions you could make but I'm too lazy to suggest those (sorry). Anyway, nice work! Loved the first stanza.
 — crimsontears

mmm i really like this. it's a joy to hear good poetry after so long...

*giggles ^^ tee hee, there's a lilminx tee hee

aww

XxXx
 — Minx

not that great.
 — unknown

I like.  Lines 26 and 37 are very good.  I don't know about the capitalization of 'Was' and 'Painful' in line 13.  It adds extra emphasis to that line which I don't believe is necessary.  This is by far one of the better poems on this site I've read in some time.
 — abby

This is very good.  I look forward to more work from you.
 — Keesa

I enjoy the art reference as well. The suggestions seem to work well for you on having read the revision.
I especially like:
to remind me that with you  
It Was Painful.
and
Lines 14-17.
Overall just a wonderful use of art to describe a relationship. The act of creation, editing, destruction.
 — Hquartz

That's great stuff!
 — FangzOfFire

This poem is Amazing. I was about to do some homework, and now I read this and I'm too excited to do anything except read it over and over. I cannot give you suggestions on how to fix it... I don't think it needs fixing. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this piece.
 — summerzwow

nice..
 — unknown

this is really great and creative. I enjoyed it
 — Angelicfire

i really liked this poem but i would take out one line

and I wouldn't fall again.

because i feel the three lines ahead of it were extremely powerful and that line takes away from its punch.

good work
 — Romanspring

I've fallen in love with it all over again.
 — Slip

An excellent poem, truly so.
 — SimpleMind

I saw this on the top rated list, and thought I'd read it again, and I really did remember an awful lot of it. This to me is the mark of a good poem. If it has stayed with me all this time, it obviously struck a chord with me.
 — thesilencing

Leave this poem the way it is now.  I like that it's a revenge story.  To me it strikes me as the woman being the victim.  Interesting, because I always consider men the real victims.  But I could be wrong an' not know it.
 — devilsbelboy

I don't know if you have changed this at all since I last read it, but the more I read it, the more I enjoy it. It's one of those things that really grows on you.
 — elysium

Perfect.
 — OKcomputer

In my war to overcome those fuckers who have the gall to give poems like this ratings of ONE, I'm upping my previous rating which was moderate in spite of this poems excellent writing to a 10. You might tell I'm annoyed, but I've had it with that I guess you can say. When those people remove their 1s for a fair and honest rating, or explain themselves with some common sense, I will put back my fair and honest rating. I usually try to rate only the most rare genius 10, but fuck it. Can you tell I'm fed up? lol
 — unknown

I was thinking, line 33, "All while you'd hang on my wall.". Would it sound better if it was "All the while"? Just a thought that popped into my mind. Take it or leave it. It doesn't matter.
 — unknown

Love it >9<
 — speech_less

this is great.
 — shakeit

I'm not sure if one can choke silently and for how long.
I like this. Black works fine for me.
Think long and hard before making *any* changes.
 — unknown

I like the last stanza. I think you should remove the period at the end of line 33, though. Then add a semi colon after "silent" and "choking"

just my thoughts. I think this is really excellent, though. Awesome job!
 — peanut

If you are into Kahlil Gibran of late, Rynne, check out 'The Earth Gods'. I always especially loved that one.
 — elysium

Elysium, I definitely will. I've got an anthology I found at an antique shop. I'm only half way through it, but perhaps it's in there somewhere! Thanks. ~Rynne
 — unknown

Wow. Intense. And I think that so many people feel that way/wish they could do that.
 — silentscream

mmmmmph!
 — noodleman

love lines 2-4... simply amazing. sent a tingle down my spine.
 — unknown

OH MY GOD. I love this. I love the colors and the imagery. Stanza 4 is a bit forced-sounding, but the rest is absolutely BRILLIANT.
 — omega

appealing poem - disagree with Jsmiles05 about needing a simile for red.  red equates with blood equates with pain, subtlety works.  For last line how about, "black paint bitter on your tongue"?  
 — hiilei

NICE
 — unknown

I read this and was immediately drawn in by its clarity, rhythm and creativity. It is near-perfect and worked for me, before I read any of the critiques. Not to say that some of the ideas aren't useful and probably subtle improvements. Maybe you need to leave it and come back to it when all the comments have faded from the forefront of your memory. Just a suggestion. It is so clever and beautiful at the same time. Thank you.
 — smugzy

This is amazing! I love it.
 — unknown

When I read line 1, I said, "Oh no, not another "If I were an artist" poem.  But you proved me wrong!!!  This is fantastic - very telling, without being sentimental or obnoxiously bitter.  Kudos to you!
 — Rose

Wow im very impressed with this poem. Keep on writing!
 — Forsaken

loved it itwas great!!
 — unfabulous01

Bitter and sweet.  Bitter lover....but sweet artist.  I like this one.  It expresses, vividly I think, the seething anger underneath.  Bravo.
 — RichardElam

Symbolism. . .you definitely have too much of it in here; as for technique, I would like someone to point it out to me in here.  Blah.
 — unknown

Oooh. Topic's a bit cliched, but I really really like the last stanza.
 — unknown

This is fantastic poem, really deep and makes you sympathise with the writer. Would love to read more of your poems.
 — Jo

Came back to this again.  Speaks to me and my sad life.  I like to surround myself with this sort of stuff when I'm down, an' I'm glad that this poem is here for me to use as part of my torture devices.
 — devilsbelboy

really good, i'm i had the chance to read it
 — tragicbubble

Brilliant poem, one of the best i've seen so far, The artist taking out his oain and hatred on this painting,and still he gets the satisfaction he wants out of it,brilliant! well done.
 — unknown

Brilliant!one of the best i've seen so far!the artist takes his pain and hatred out on this painting and he still gets the satisfaction he wants out of it, enough satisfaction not to get all Melancoly over what happend. Brilliant poem,well done.
 — Odin

Beautiful. I like the ending as it is, though I would prefer "tasting the black paint." The second to last stanza is a bit weak because it doesn't fit with the poem as well, and lines 30 and 31 both start with "and," which makes it not...not as good (my vocabulary is running out!)
 — cuishanying

the metaphors are great.
 — imahabit

Heh, like it alot. . .its clever and well written. . .
 — unknown

real good poem continue the good work =D
 — unknown

this is going in my faves file
 — duffyj83

yeah im thinkin ill be jumpin on the band wagon and sendin this one to my favs. . .Good stuff. . .genious. . .
 — Love_or_Fate

beautiful ... a bit too much "would" in the first stanza ... could be stronger, were some of the would hacked out ... more active ... but a lovely piece
 — Bloodfetish

Very nice. I pity whomever this is about...almost.
 — unknown

hi
 — unknown

Crap.  This is crazy cool.
 — themolly

Very interesting, I can almost feel the hate.
 — Cloudless

I love this poem, I think it's absolutely perfect
 — unknown

As an ersatz artist/painter I found your strokes here quite masterful.
Bravo.
Randi Susan
 — unknown

I read this again, it really is a fine job.... the changes you made from the original gave it greater strength.
-RandiSusan
 — RandiSusan

Ouch. To me this is a very disturbing poem. But it's good. Very good.
 — DeathShards

I don't think you need any more reason to know that your poem is great, but i'll tell you it's great anyway.
 — LostWaves

Awesome, just awesome! thats the only way i can describe it! ;)
 — WildSymphony

i dont like it much there isnt enough feeling and pain
 — unknown

:O this is fucking amazing.
me lovey!
 — jittery

Disturbingly dark, but I suppose the picture you want to paint is pain, and you have definately captured it here. Well done.
 — marionette

nice- although a bit dark...
 — nightengale

i hate people who rate it one just to be annoying...
 — nightengale

Brilliant! It really rings true (also there's a kernal of an idea for a horror movie in there!). Might put it as one of my favourites...
 — icepineapple

your personification of art is awesome.
 — listen

I love it and it is definately one of my favs. Btw, my favorite part is Line 13. It Was Painful. You capitalized the first letter of each word to give that extra 'umph' and I felt that extra 'umph'. I enjoyed this piece and I hope this gets up on one of the top rated.
 — Nerezza

Good stuff
 — DeathShards

This is good poetry, a reason to visit this site from time to time.
 — DianaTrees

Oh, yeah. And quick fucking around and submit it to a zine somewhere. I suggest Triplopia. www. triplopia.com, but I'm sure you've a few of your own in mind.
 — DianaTrees

Prettttttttty good, remind me not to day you.  No specific issues, an excellent story, but I'm not sure if everything contributes.
 — technomancer

I have a question why black for danger?

I only ask because Caution/danger signs are predomiantly yellow. Things used for warning are usually bright.
 — art_n_ash

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