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reimbursed and spent
coming back i went
in the tiny white place
i go to see my face
to rinse my skin
where have i been
locked in
my tiny head aches
my tiny room shakes
i'm 40,000 feet
out of my seat
belt sign dings on and "no..."
i whisper, flushed, and go.

7 Apr 04

Rated 7.3 (6) by 6 users.
Active (6): 5, 6, 7, 7, 9, 10
Inactive (6): 1, 3, 5, 5, 6, 7

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the rhyme is neat, and the topic kind of interesting, '40,000 feet out of my seat' is a really cool line. but overall abit bland. if this is a bit harsh, i am sorry but i have just been subjected to the remake of 'the dawn of the dead' which was crap and has put me in a bad mood since i held a piss all the way though 'cause i thought i may miss a good bit. what a stupid fuck i am.
 — kimado

where in the world is gnormal sandiego?
 — unknown

this is ok, although i don't like line 2.
 — TheJediPimpz

man, gnormal...when I saw your post on the message board, I really expected this one to be a lot better.  I think you've got something interesting with the rhyming here, but I'm not a rhyming person, don't know much about the effects of rhyme, and I personally choose not to use rhyme most of the time.  I think you could really take this further by eliminating the rhyme (but that's just my personal opinion).  Here's something I might try with it:

Reimbursed for my ticket and worn
out, I went to the tiny white room, coming
back from [insert location].  I went to see
my face and rinse my skin, maybe use
the blue toilet water.  I was locked in
with my sharp headaches.  The bathroom shook
with the turbulence of 40,000 feet.  I was out
of my seat when the belt sign dinged on,
and so I whispered, flushed
and went back.

It still isn't going anywhere for me though...I don't really know what to do with this.
 — TaylorC

no and in the line before last might be interesting.

this reminds me of a girl who pulled a single hair from her head taut and slid her violin bow across it.

to sound a single dischordant and disoriented note that would resonate perfecly with her jet lag.

your line breaks resonate that way.  
 — bettalpha

thank you both.
no is much better.  more accessible and useful for the reader.
taylorc, its funny i was going to tell you that id like to see some rhyme in your poem with the domestic abuser. i do like the deadpan personal reality annotation style, i think you can find use of it in some of my other poems, but i like to squeeze that down again to remove any extraneous words.  i enjoy that like a puzzle.  
your rewrite of mine, is like you just added water.  im glad to see it all reconstitutes correctly, but it's less interesting for me that way.  less open to interpretation.  when i get something down small, and can still manage a little rhyme and meter im pretty happy.  when i compress it even further, thats when unexpected things pop out of it, for me.
 — gnormal

still no mile high club?
 — hank

Hey Gnormal,

I'm for whatever works in a poem. So if it needs rhyme, rhyme it. In this subject, I may be missing some underlying theme? From my read the topic isn't improved by the sing-song, although it is very clever and unforced.

The first line does its job well - implies so much more than is written - I think I want more of that here. I hate to ask, but if there is a subtext I'm missing, could you drop a hint? As it stands I get "I'm neither here nor there" sort of an antiseptic view of a feeling of pointlessness or lack of hope.

Not your best, but certainly not for the bin, either.
 — ka

it was written in the air, and with a certain feeling of..
lack of hope.  thats pretty much it.  no specific subtext.  
rather a more general one- what the heck am i doing?
we've all been there.  it could be inside a chevy nova,
or behind the garage, or the back seat of a nameless
chip joint, or library, or in the center of a noisy party.
i hope the lines are small enough that a lot oozes out
if you read them slow.
i might have made head aches a single word.  but then
id be tempted to do the same for room shakes.  so i
left it up you y'all.
you're forever reimbursed, and spent, and reimbursed.
so no need to go into it i think.   i dont know what it
would be like without the rhyme.  well, it probably wouldnt
exist.  a certain adherence to a set of rules creates
a certain something.
im glad to hear you read it without over or underreading.  
 — gnormal

not due to the poem itself
but your comment about compression,
that stuck in my brain, hidden away,
until i compressed a goofy poem of my
own. then this comment emerged to the front at that moment (a while ago)
and it's taken me 45 minutes this morning to find where
i read it...
thanks for the explooniation.
 — chuckles

where is your compressed poem chuckles i would like to read it

it was an articulate bump and there are some fragments of the ghost of me past

 — unknown

here's the first one betty
http://poetry.tetto.o rg/read/36104/
 — unknown

It's cute, but the rhyme seems labored at times. I'm not a big fan of L1, as it seems misplaced.  Also, should L6 be "where I have been"? Finally, I don't think the use of "tiny" twice so close together (L8 & 9) is a good idea.

All that having been said, I *think* I see what you're trying to do here.
 — DrakeScott

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