poetry critical

online poetry workshop

Noise Pt1

It is barely lunchtime
when my whispering mother
unfolds the story within
and forces my comprehension.
She tells me about empty streets,
sanitation, and the path of us, Women.
'And tiptoe by choice,' she says,
'never let them know you're there.'
I notice her trousers
are creaseless - white, and
I'm ashamed of the dirt, suddenly
beneath my fingernails.

4 Feb 04

Rated 8.5 (8) by 2 users.
Active (2): 8, 9
Inactive (3): 7, 8, 8

(define the words in this poem)
(18 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)

Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha


Women is the nigger of the world - J. Lennon
its easy to sell someone anger
more difficoult is to buy one:)
 — unknown

fingernail obsession?
 — Minx

Not really, just coincidence!!
 — unknown

are you new? why are these poems not getting more crits? you're amazing!
 — Minx

excellent. i am not sure i understand the title.
 — username

good point neither do I
stil like it tho...
 — Minx

Thanks for bumping my things minx!!!!!
And for your comments!

username thanks! The title's a bit weird yeah. (Any other suggestions?)

The title is Noise Pt1 because there was also a Noise Pt2, but I decided it was crappy and not to post it.

And the "Noise" is about women being silenced I guess. I was in a bit of Germaine Greer mode when I wrote it. LOL
 — PollyReg

Wow, this is really good, keep it up. I'm quite new here, too. Thank you for your comments and fave. He was being a bully. *pouts* Thanks again.

She tells me about empty streets,  5
sanitation, and the path of us, Women.  6

 — asphyxiated

i think this is a fucking stupid ass poem sorry i dont care for this at all
 — unknown

Good, but beyond me. 7.
 — unknown

nice poem
 — varun

 — chloee

Women in low paid work are often subjected to humiliating stereotyping, the nail issue being one.  I'm not sure whether your poem does much to relieve their suffering but it does at least draw attention to it.
 — unknown

for starters i like the title.. simple and intriguing. 'whispering mother' made me smile... nice metaphor... took me into flashback mode... the metaphor looks simple... but anyone who have had a very good memory about their childhood would be distracted by it...
line 5 and 6 i guess deals with women issues :=)

i also like how you have written this piece in present tense.
the only line which disturbs the flow is the word suddenly in line 11... i just cant figure out how you could make it flow better.....
ok on a second read.. i think its just me.. the line looks fine..
 — trochee

Cheers Trochee.

Its weird, but this poem was written so long ago now, it almost feels as if it was written by someone else.

Does anyone else cringe when they read their old poetry.

But I appreciate the crit,

 — PollyReg

You are good looking.
 — unknown