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The Shred of Doubt
william

The body is not a democracy
 1
it is tyrred by minority doubt
 2
our reticence is our hypocrisy
 3
we wear the majority out
 4
 
 
and where the majority clothing
 5
encloses the voice of descent
 6
dissension gives way to exposing
 7
contention gives way to consent
 8
 
 
countenance too may run threadbare
 9
born clean through the weave of the shred
 10
look not at the close for the shirt tear
 11
but look where it's open instead
 12
 
 
in tatters you will find the traitor
 13
in gashes you will find the trait
 14
that doubt is the body's dictator
 15
distrust is the body's dictate
 16
 
 
with doubt you can never be certain
 17
without you can never be sure
 18
what is obscured by the curtain
 19
what scores other doorways obscure
 20
 
 
feeling is fragile as eggshell
 21
(do eggshells have something to hide?)
 22
beware of a crackling eggshell
 23
for doubt is for certain inside.
 24

Holes in all my clothes, again.

For gnormal: you played my wordplay out.

14 Jan 04

Rated 7 (7.8) by 4 users.
Active (4): 3, 6, 8, 10
Inactive (3): 8, 8, 9

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gnormal
root



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Comments:

the rhyme and meter in this are really well done. Line 12, change your its to it's.

"Crackling" is bugging me. "Cracking" fits the meter better and crackling is something for cellophane wrappers and logs on a fire.

The wordplay is magnificent. I know the title isn't so cliche once you read the poem, but you might want to consider something a little less obvious to make it more eye catching.
 — dweasel

I obviously didn't get enough sleep last night, because I read this 3 times, and still don't know what it's about. But it sure was a heck of a lot of fun to read out loud! Meter and rhyme were perfect. Good job.
 — Cella

Not sure what tyrred means. I do that you mean dissent, not descent.

Can you do some spelling check and editing and repost, please? Try to actually say something concrete without being so obscure. Poetry is to be read and enjoyed and if you can't figure out what the point is, it's hard to read.
 — Isabelle5

I fixed the missing apostrophe, thanks dweasel. Also minor changes to lines 19, 20. Isabelle, let's chalk it up to poetic license.
 — unknown

I'm for poetic license. Go for it, then!

But can you explain lines 17 -18?
 — Isabelle5

for some reason this poem makes me want to have sex
 — kronah

sex? what.the.heck?
 — unknown

Isabelle, give line 17 a "but" and line 19 an "or" and read the entire stanza as one sentence unit. What's not to get?
 — unknown

it's a lot of clever wordplays, but i am not sure if it is as good as holes in all my clothes.
 — username

i prefer crackling.  you need the extra syllable, and cracking is too violent anyway.  
awkward having both 'for's in 24.  (or is it?)
 — unknown

ho! i almost missed this.  no one ever wrote me a poem before!  (onkl threatened to destroy me once, but that wasnt the same feeling.)  thank you so much.  i will take a message from it.
as you must know, i love it.  not just 17-20, but the hole thing.  is there a name for this composed tumbling meter?
one unique thing i love- it is easy on the eyes.  nice to gaze at.
 — unknown

I like this, really good and well thought-out use of rhyme to actually move the story forward. I can only imagine how much time this must have taken to get to the level of rhyme that's present here. nicely done!
 — Greg

i only have one recommendation:  punctuate it more carefully!  i know that's shallow as criticism, but the rest of this piece is so amazing its awful to be distracted by what could be fixed so easily.

if i were feeling a bit more clever, i might have written the crit in a quatrain like your poem.  but i'm not.  sorry.  :(

good stuff.

root
 — unknown

to me, this epitomizes everything poetry should be.

i come back to read this every week or so, never cease to stumble over how awesome the whole thing is.
 — root

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