poetry critical

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I'll go blind

She watches me through a crack
in the Venetian blinds.
I know she is there,
but I continue my routine.
I realize that she could bust
me out--embarrass me beyond belief,
but she never speaks.
I wait for the day
that she interrupts me,
tells me that it’s time to stop.
That day hasn’t come
I wonder what attracts her more?
Watching me do it
or imagining I'm doing it to her?

"Bite my lips and close my eyes,
Take me away to paradise..." --Green Day

11 Jan 04

Rated 8.3 (7.6) by 6 users.
Active (6): 5, 8, 8, 8, 9, 10
Inactive (14): 1, 4, 6, 6, 6, 6, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10

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 — AdamsAunt

I really like it
 — Adrielle

something missing in your life? from pussy to masturbating...or are you just brushing the crumbs off?
 — unknown

I agree with pennylane... but it's a bit bland, it lacks a feeling of some kind, but I like it so far

 — treerain

"i'm so damn bored i'm going blind,
and i smell like shit...."

fortunately, aforbing, this poem does NOT smell like shit! makes me wonder the same thing about the girl...what does she like better? poetry is always good in my mind if i'm still wondering, thinking, pondering (etc...) about it hours later. good job in my opinion.

one suggestion, what about forming the words to look phallic?

 — unknown

ooh! Poetry as a form of masturbation! I love this sneaky little thing.
 — ka

hee hee hee, makes me giggly and school girl ish
cute, not that good, I'd prefer more of the reader getting into his head, but damn good anyway
 — Minx

yeah women love being masterbated over.
 — unknown

hee hee
i just realise i said both that this was good and not good... what I meant was it's good for what it is but doesn't have enough to it. Having said that it did strike a chord in my. I just think it could be better...I don't like the line breaks (but I am very guilty of this myself anyway!)
 — Minx

It's interesting that so many conclude the masturbater is male *smirks* dkm
 — unknown

lol that's such a dirty smirk... I actually didn't because then the last line doesn't make sense...
 — Minx

You are shameless! I honestly can't decide what I think about this. It's so subtle, not a dirty word in the place but the sexy sleaze comes through anyway.
 — Isabelle5

That's the wonder in it! oooh more shivers, such a good piece...
 — Minx

Now, then.... Too bad no one is rating it or it might make the "Weekly Top 40". Seems people don't like to rate my "racy" poems.
>>>POETRY GOD: "Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret"
 — aforbing

haha I'll rate it nice n high
i used to love that book (oh god, did i just admit to that? oops...)
 — Minx

ps - What on earth makes you think all women love to be masturbated over?!
 — Isabelle5

the fact that you love abit of spunk in your hair. you say you hate it, but you love picking it out. (for days).
 — loonytune

Absolutely,Positively wonderful in every aspect, every line pulling me further into wonder.....
 — Unheard

Hehe i love it... shes like stalking u lol
 — melmoomel

You know what's interesting?  If it were a man watching, this would have a totally different feeling to it.  More of a stalker than an appreciative audience.  That's an interesting thought and someone should take it to poetry form.
 — Isabelle5

That was sort of biased Isabelle. Women have been known to be stalkers. As a pseudo exhibitionist myself, I think aforbing rates a 9 and one hell of a smile:)
 — unknown

My comment wasn't biased at all.  I love the way aforbing wrote this and I would like to see it now from a woman's point of view.  Nothing biased there.
 — Isabelle5

 — dooks

your 'thru' on line one makes me wince..i speak/write like that in msn conversations, but in poetry, it makes me want to imagine it spelt properly. and is there a particular reason why the 'me out' of l5 is on l6? okay, im done with technical griping.

i love, i tell you, absolutely love this. i like the innuendoes in l10, how 'come' is the last word of the line and 'yet' is on a separate line. or maybe thats just my imagination working overtime. you should be ashamed of yourself..yet terribly proud. you sick child you.
 — wendz

line 4 was broken there becuz "bust" is a phrase often used to refer to "coming" as you mentioned catching in another part of the poem.
"bust a nut".  Ahhhh.........  Yes.  That is why I broke it up this way.  Glad you liked it, I hope others do also.  I loved writing it.
 — aforbing

"thru "
sorry, but i don't know that i can read this seriously with you using the word 'thru'

and, embarassed. one 'r'.
 — shakeit

Oh, contrare....... it DOES have two "R"'s
I have given in and changed "thru" to "through".
 — aforbing

you mean she's imagining you pulling her dick?
 — hank

Like the title....don't know if anyone really thought about it.
Much better than the icecream one, in that it is more ivolving.
You place your commas and fullstops very well...
 — silly

*laughs* Gotta hand it to ya aforbing, still think about this whenever conversations about jacking off and porn come up with my friends and I. My friend told me a couple weeks ago that "I'll go blind", and we cracked up, but when I asked her why it refered to jacking off, she didn't know either. later, she told me what she had figured out..phrase is cooler without the explanation. Apparently, I am the
-Porn Queen
 — unknown

i watched a tv programme
about watchers
and watchees
about how catching a glimpse of someone undressing through half closed curtains or blinds, unaware someone is watching, is far more erotic than someone standing in front of a window undressing wanting to be watched.

fascinating subject.
this poem touches on it
i wish it would touch on it more
i wish the protagonist had said a little or much
on how being watched
effected him
rather than just her.
 — kaleidazcope

*!Enlarge Y0Ur P.en1s T0day!*
 — noodleman

was this typed one handed?
 — unknown


but who am I to talk?
 — Cloudless

ha HA! And to think- I almost didn't read it!!!!! Favorites. I give this a 9+. Not quite "awesome", but well executed. Caught me off guard. I LOVE IT!
 — CantTell

I still howl at this.  
 — Isabelle5

why is it not talking about blind?
 — unknown

It is an old adage that if you masturbate, you'll go blind...
 — aforbing

oh, I needed this again!  (Where are my glasses????)
 — Isabelle5

this is really good!

 — unknown

 — unknown

i think you're daring for tackling this subject. i love the image you've shown. we all act like we're so outright disgusted by the act of masturbation, yet i'm sure most of us have done it, or are turned on by it. and the lyrics make for the best afterthought.
 — Dom

HAHAHAHA!  I love this every single time it pops up into my face, like those blinds will do to Aforbing's nose one of these times!  
 — Isabelle5

 — starr

All you people go on your phone and call this number.  1)800) 277-4653!  It's so gross but it turns me on!
 — unknown

hey...I was going to comment

and then I saw a Green Day quote

...but then these Ritz crackers are the best with my artsy Cheese squirts!
 — Tabletopjoe

Thank god for cracks
 — larrylark

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