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You Kissed Like a Prostitute
unknown

                  
     Glycerin used for dry eyes,
     can never replace
     the complex fabric of innate tears.


Lacquered lips of your flower
 1
    have no sharp vertical lines,
 2
    rather fluid moldings
 3
    thrusted with rigid spears
 4
    roughly a thousand times,
 5
    which only aids in reminding me
 6
    the preposterous choices you made
 7
    time and again
 8
    with your cigaretty lips.
 9
 
 
    You kissed like a prostitute,
 10
    hollow and inane
 11
    like these words penned
 12
    on the warmth of
 13
    my breath laid on the glass.
 14
Momentarily.
 15

2 Aug 07

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Comments:

Seductive and harsh. Reconsider the line break at l 13.  "cigaretty" is a little awkward. cigarette? smoky? It's also what this poem doesn't reveal that is intriguing.

Execellent.
 — banditfemme

i rather like "cigaretty" - its fun to play with language, and it definitely evokes an image, a smell, a taste... i'm not sure any other word would do the job in quite the same way. but if you were to change it, take away a little of the silliness (which isn't really in keeping with the rest of the poem to me) i would definitely go with "cigarette lips" as mentioned by banditfemme.

reminded me intensely of a specific someone, i was able to really personalize this piece. sign of good art if you ask me.

all in all, i enjoyed thoroughly.
 — noctem

should either be 'lip' [L1]
or 'have' [L2]

nice poem.
ella, is that you?
 — unknown

thnx a lot banditfemme and noctem
and dear unknown what makes you think this is by ella?
wrong guess but thnx for reading
 — unknown

and ooops thncks for the correction too
 — unknown

okay. good that cleared up...

'rather' [L2] s/c-ould be 'but'. preferably 'but'. yeah.
 — unknown

fluid moldings and rigid spears kind of give contradictory images...

also, what exactly are 'innate tears'...tears you are born with? or predisposed with

overall kind of an interesting poem, but your choice of vocabulary makes things too choppy, words like 'preposterous, cigaretty, even lacquered...just trip up the poem rather than helping it.

simpler language would work better

i really like the last image, but don't you write with your finger rather than a pen when you are writing in your breath on glass...
 — joshcoops

Thx a lot josh and the unknown. Josh i would gladly explain each an every term you find unnecessary but i dont want to rob this poem of the little symbolism it attempts. It could also ruin it for the rest of the readers. And yes could nt the ACT of writin with fingers mean penning.
 — unknown

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