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Attitude Adjustment
Isabelle5

I step into the 5:30-in-the-morning darkness,
 1
a 24-oz glass of tea in my hand,
 2
pedometer clipped to my waist.
 3
 
 
The streets are quiet, Mourning Doves
 4
just beginning to whisper softly
 5
from their roof-top perches.
 6
 
 
It feels as if unseen parental hands
 7
are turning the lights on slowly,
 8
using Crows and Sparrows as living alarms
 9
to rouse dreamers to a new day.
 10
 
 
Dawn breaks behind my back;
 11
I crest the hill, walking East into the light,
 12
charmed daily by the unheralded
 13
changing of these guards,
 14
Darkness and Day.
 15
 
 
I reach my stairs 40 minutes after departure -
 16
the glass is empty, pedometer registers
 17
2.16 miles and the jacket is tied around my waist.
 18
 
 
My soul has been fed.
 19

13 Jul 07

Rated 8 (8) by 2 users.
Active (2): 7, 9
Inactive (0):

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Comments:

igroggily?
 — unknown

she meant "groggily," even Isabelle can make a mistake.
 — unknown

even Isabelle?
 — unknown

yes . . . BELIEVE IT!
 — unknown

I am so Sorry!  Twice in one day, spelling errors.  Splat on me!

Chasse is sometimes Mistake Central, trust me on that.
 — Isabelle5

I'm sorry, but this is simply not very poetic at all.
5:30-in-the-morning -- not poetic
24-oz glass -- not poetic
pedometer -- not poetic
streets are quiet -- not poetic
whisper softly -- ooh, very poetic
living alarms, rouse dreamers -- getting better
Dawn breaks -- how tired
16-18 -- not poetic
Life throws my way -- how tired
Conclusion: not poetry.
Suggestion: try making it interesting by showing the descriptions, rather than simply listing them all off like we're at the market. This type of writing does nothing to engage the reader at all.
Better luck next time.
 — unknown

I almost think I know who wrote this.  Sorry it's not your type of writing.  If you ever went walking early, you'd feel this the way it's written.
 — Isabelle5

I like lines 7-10. Would you consider tightening it up?
    "Unseen parental hands
     slowly turning the lights on.
     Crows and Sparrows, living alarms,
     rousing dreamers to a new day."
Line 19 seems a let down. I need something more but not sure what.
 — erato

The greatest poem ever.
 — unknown

Really truly excellent. Made me ashamed of my sedentary soulless life.

Larry from the couch Lark
 — larrylark

A bit weak for Isabelle. Maybe she's  losing your touch.
 — pelican

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