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unknown
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when we gaze into each other's eyes,
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1 |
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what thoughts come to our minds?
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2 |
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none.
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3 |
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when we press our lips together and close our eyes,
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what images arise, to be exposed to the heat
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and light of the sun?
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none.
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7 |
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when we embrace and smell each other's hair,
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and our hearts beat as one to shame the thunder,
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what visions are disrobed to be bitten
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by the wild
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winter wind?
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none.
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for in these things, we have transcended
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this mortal plane; we have silenced
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the cacophony that disrupts peace.
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when we are solitude, we enter
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into a different world. hand in hand
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we amble gracefully through tranquility:
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19 |
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a many-hued lea, where birds float
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close to us, that their song be better
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heard; where the flowers
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crane near,
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the better for us to breathe
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their sweet aromas.
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for it is in our nature
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to be so joined,
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you and i. and when
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the din and ado may arise again
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into our life, we will return
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to this garden
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where thought and petty circumstance
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do not exist; and abide there
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a time,
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becoming all.
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let us tend to the earth
as though it were our only child
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13 Jul 07 |
Rated 8 (8) by 1 users.
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Comments:
thoughts of eden and earth. very graceful, very pure poem.
I am not sure if the 3 "none"s are working. Is is possible to use just one at the end of the questions, or not at all? I see there is a specific point in telling the reader there is no thought, vision etc. however, I enjoyed my own conclusions when I re-read this.
lines 8-12 are very beautiful.
hmm, cacophony eh. I do not care for the sound quality in this word. perhaps just a personal opinion, but, cack. the following, "that disrupts peace" seems unnecessary to mention,
besides isn't "peace" an obvious choice here?
what is peace anyway.
I find a few problems in Ls 20-25, placement or phrasing or maybe the line break between 19,20 is a little premature. not really sure.
"a many hued lea", no imagery?
consider "birds float close"? no "to us".
"the better, the better for us to breathe" (finding a little wordy).
"the better for me to eat you with my dear"...sorry,
the big bad wolf came to mind.
I dont exactly know what to think of din and ado.
I very much enjoyed your poem, please don't mind my ranting.
nice ending,
a breathtaking footnote!
thanks
— unknown
woops, that was me^
— jenakajoffer
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