poetry critical

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into the garden

when we gaze into each other's eyes,
what thoughts come to our minds?
when we press our lips together and close our eyes,
what images arise, to be exposed to the heat
and light of the sun?
when we embrace and smell each other's hair,
and our hearts beat as one to shame the thunder,
what visions are disrobed to be bitten
by the wild
winter wind?
for in these things, we have transcended
this mortal plane; we have silenced
the cacophony that disrupts peace.
when we are solitude, we enter
into a different world. hand in hand
we amble gracefully through tranquility:
a many-hued lea, where birds float
close to us, that their song be better
heard; where the flowers
crane near,
the better for us to breathe
their sweet aromas.
for it is in our nature
to be so joined,
you and i. and when
the din and ado may arise again
into our life, we will return
to this garden
where thought and petty circumstance
do not exist; and abide there
a time,
becoming all.

let us tend to the earth
as though it were our only child

13 Jul 07

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thoughts of eden and earth.  very graceful, very pure poem.  

I am not sure if the 3 "none"s are working.  Is is possible to use just one at the end of the questions, or not at all?  I see there is a specific point in telling the reader there is no thought, vision etc.  however, I enjoyed my own conclusions when I re-read this.

lines 8-12 are very beautiful.

hmm, cacophony eh. I do not care for the sound quality in this word.  perhaps just a personal opinion, but, cack.  the following, "that disrupts peace" seems unnecessary to mention,
besides isn't "peace" an obvious choice here?  
what is peace anyway.

I find a few problems in Ls 20-25, placement or phrasing or maybe the line break between 19,20 is a little premature.  not really sure.
"a many hued lea", no imagery?
consider "birds float close"? no "to us".
"the better, the better for us to breathe" (finding a little wordy).
"the better for me to eat you with my dear"...sorry,
the big bad wolf came to mind.
I dont exactly know what to think of din and ado.

I very much enjoyed your poem, please don't mind my ranting.
nice ending,
a breathtaking footnote!
 — unknown

woops, that was me^
 — jenakajoffer

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