poetry critical

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It was sometime in the evening
the light was fading fast
creation's hand was moving,
your time had come at last.
The mid-wife couldn't make it
wouldn't earn her fee.
There was just your mum and i
and soon we would be three.
Into my arms you came, but shock
and fear of death.
Purple pallor in your skin
eyes closed, no breath.
Try the kiss of life i thought
but before i even tried,
a stirring in the face,
your eyes they opened wide.
Alert and bright they locked on mine
A banshee wail split the night
(oh my god, that's my father)
and before my very eyes, as the
new day sun colours pink in morning skies,
a new born life begun.
I was somewhere in a dream when
you came into this world
a gift from God so perfect
my darling baby girl.

10 Jul 07

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I lost you in L's 17-22, the rhythm being all over the place.
L21 in particular is crazy long and wordy with "new day" and "morning".
maybe just "as the sun pinks in morning sky"?

anyway, this is sweet, gotta love a baby rhyme.
congrats to you.
 — jenakajoffer

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