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Afternoon melts
into evening's crescent
that lends light to sky
which stars patrol;
Buds burn
inside an
ashen bowl.

10 Jul 07

Rated 6.9 (6.9) by 9 users.
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graceful as always. You carry your dance moves into your poems. Truth be told, I'm not wild about the title. I'd like it to be a little more classical to fuse with the mood and tone of the writing.
 — banditfemme

Awwww...you're so sweet to me, Banditfemme!  Do you know what the title is?  If not, I'll email you and share it with ya.  Thanks 4 the constantly beautiful and supportive comments to my work.  I appreciate it!  Love, Starr
 — starr

I think I need you to email me the meaning of the title as well, Starr! :-) Banditfemme stated it perfectly by comparing the lyric of your poems to a dance - that's exactly how it feels! I love Lines 4 and 9 in particular, but I have to confess that this isn't as compelling to me as some of your more confessional work. The first two stanzas could work harder than they do (e.g., though it does rhyme with L9, "black as coal" is a bit too expected.) You know I love ya, though! ;-)
 — DrakeScott

title -- 420

 — unknown

Is this a poem or a puzzem?
 — unknown

Ah, got the title now, thanks to Anonymous' somewhat snotty comment. I was reading the title totally differently.
 — DrakeScott

DrakeScott...thanks 4 the equally as awesome compliments.  I'll see if I can't make this work a little harder.  RRRRRRRRRR!  Lovebackatcha, brotha.  And I agree...too many "snotty" remarks on this site as opposed to the more thoughtful, supportive ones.  It's sad that people who don't know one another can be so blatantly evil toward one another.  That's what makes this world go 'round, sadly, I guess.
 — starr

Okay, I changed "tender crescent lights sky black as coal" to "the moon keeps dusk imprisoned without chance for parole."
 — starr

Okay...what's a couple more subtle changes, right?  
 — starr

hi starr,
nice poem, you capture the mood with pleasant phrases and soft images.

although I enjoy the ideas and what this represents, I think this could be trimmed a tad and I definitely prefer coal to parole.  
To share my thoughts, not to be impolite:

melts with
evening's tender

time cures
perfume coal, trees

burn in  
ashen bowl.
 — jenakajoffer

Jen!  ThankYOU!  I always value your critiques and your suggestions!  Sendin' my love from me to you, Starr
 — starr

Despite my previous comment, I think you did the right thing in scrapping the "parole" revision. It made the rhyme seem forced. Perhaps the way to rescue the middle stanza from cliche is not to replace the word "coal", but to rethink the rest, in a manner like jenakajoffer suggested. I applaud your diligent revision work - it can be startlingly hard to find the right word sometimes. xo
 — DrakeScott

Thanks, DrakeScott.  Yes...it IS very difficult to find the right word(s).  Agreed.  :-)
 — starr

I think I nailed it this time.  
 — starr

This is simple, basic, good poetry. I can imagine that night sky, the ashen bowl eating the trees in fire.
 — Isabelle5

Thanks, Isabelle for the compliments and to anyone else who is thrown by the title, it's "420" in Roman numerals.  Spark a bowl, y'all.  Love, Starr
 — starr

 — listen

Thanks, Listen!  :-)
 — starr

Better better better! Despite my confusion over the title, I don't think you need to include the parenthetical explanation. It tells too much.
 — DrakeScott

You're right again, D.S.  Thank you, buddy!  Love, Starr
 — starr

420!  It took me a minute to figure it out!
 — unknown

Beautiful. Says so much with a few well chosen words.
 — larrylark

Thankyou, Unknown, Larry Let It Spark Lark and Pelican!  Such nice compliments and I appreciate them.  :-)  Love, Starr
 — starr

cdxx or 420 means nothing to me. Is 420BC/AD a significant date?
 — unknown

why not,

"that stars patrol.

trees burn
inside an
ashen bowl" ??

it's as though you were trying not to sound beautiful, blurting out too much so that we won't notice or won't think you're stupid or something. There's nothing wrong with the lyrical style, but it has to be written with a lyrical ear. Your's is maybe plugged with an i-pod, but you've got the talent to write on your own.
 — joey

Thanks, Joey.  Yeah...I like your suggestion.  Change implemented.  Thanks for the affirmation to my talent too.  :-)  Starr
 — starr

Unknown, thanks 4 your comment too.  You're probably NOT a marijuana smoker judging from it.  "420" is the police code used to describe a marijuana bust, however it also is the preferred time of day that those who smoke weed choose to pack a bowl (a pipe or a bong) in which to ingest the luscious fumes that alter the smoker's state of mind/consciousness and make for creative and/or conversational merriment.  Some people can become paranoid from oversmokage.  I tend to be one of those people, thus, a couple of hits (puffs) usually do the trick for me.  It's usually better effective to have a beer or some wine first and THEN to smoke the herb(s).  The alcohol can make it a more enjoyable experience (trip).  Hope this 4-1-1 (information) enlightnens u.  Peace.  Starr
 — starr

p.s.  Unknown, instead of calling the poem "420" straight out, I did it in Roman numerals to give it a little more of a poetic feel.  :-)  I'm sure they indulged even in the A.D./B.C. times too.  It just wasn't a controlled substance then.
 — starr

THanks for explaing, S. Me have well indulged but Scotch git so have mastered 911 and that about it. Poem make sense now ok and I like its brevitatiousness. cheers :)
 — unknown

Arrstay evernay udiedstay atinLay eforebay.  Orfay Iay owknay, hethay biblebay ouldcay ebay ictitiousfay, unkasspay itchbay.
 — starr

...Oopswhay...Iay eantmay "orfay allay Iay owknay" eviouslypray.  Orrysay.
 — starr

For the first unknown, I am so glad that u came back for another visit and got my messages.  Your comments made me smile.  Thank you for that and thank you for liking my poem too.  God Bless.  Love, Starr
 — starr

I might be the only one here, but I don't much care for this. It almost seems like 2 seperate poems. Both verses are good but put together I don't much like it. For a pot smoking poem its too short and too the point ( when I would smoke my poems would go on forever and not make much sense : )I do love teh line
Trees burn
inside an
ashen bowl

But my problem with it is Weed isn't a tree, its just what its called its a weed. I know weed would make it a bit obvious for you, but maybe another word beside tree, grass maybe? Just thoughts.
Still not a bad poem I just don't like it.
 — Solstice

HI, Solstice.  Thanks for your comment(s).  :-)  I might have called it "grass" back in the 70's.  Now, it's fondly referred to (and it could be regional) as "trees" or "shrubs."  Isn't that funny?  In fact, y'hear that one a lot up here in the Northeast.  "Got any trees?"  "Do you know where I can find me some trees or some shrubs?"  You get the idea.  Structurally speaking though, when I smoke, I try very hard NOT to let the poem/thoughts run on for too long because it is then that I start to lose focus of what I'm writing.  In this particuar instance, I chose to only write about the basics and keep it as simple and as controlled as possible.  Thanks again for dropping by.  Peaceout.  Starr
 — starr

I have to agree with Solstice.  I don't care for it at all.  There is nothing smooth here, as it should be, to reflect the theme of your poem.
 — unknown

I was stoned.  Nothing is smooth when one is stoned.  I just wrote what I felt in the moment.  Solstice also needs to brush up on his/her spelling.  That's not very smooth either, but being the gentleman that I am, I didn't say anything.  So if u wanna talk about smooth, I'm listenin'.   'Til then, take care.  Thanks for your comment.  
 — starr

Doesn't anybody like pot poems in here?  Let's burn 1 and write some verses peopole.  This poem is so sneakily written that it's perfection.  Go starr.
 — unknown

i like the last 3 lines a lot!
 — unknown

may i be so bold as to offer a suggestion for the exchange of one word for another?
i believe it may be a really nifty idea...
 — chuckles

You may, Chuckles.  :-)  What'cha got?  Starr
 — unknown

suggestion to swap your 'that' and 'which'

that lends light
to sky
which stars patrol

"tender" is sentimental  modifer best omitted, I think.

Unless the Roman numeral title is of special importance
(I can't at present tie it to the verse), why not omit it and let the poem be "Afternoon"?

For an illustration of -just another way to make the poem beautiful-, this is not directive, but suggestive, only:

melts into evening's
crescent that lends light
to the sky the stars patrol

while the trees consume
themselves inside
of an ashen bowl.
 — reidORnetsky

Y'all don't get it.  Y'all need to go and roll a big blunt and smoke it and then read this poem.
 — starr

ReidORNetsky, thanks!  That & which were switched.  :-)
 — starr

shtarr, with your blunt the poem that goes "starr" would be the most beautiful poem in the world. Why not allow poetry to work its own smoke on the reader? that's what art's about.
 — joey

You rock, Joey.  You're right.  I'ma just let it do its own work, sit back and have another bowl.  :-)  Peaceout.  Starr
 — starr

weed grows very bushy

there are connotations to be had: never a bad thing for a poem...
 — chuckles

Thanks, Chuckles.  I changed "trees" in L7 to "buds."  :-)
 — starr

I was stoned when I read the poem and it still wasn't my cup of tea.
Still don't like the use of the word Tree's there, yes I realize its slang for Pot whatever.
And yes my spelling is bad, but one must learn that there is a diffrent between an opinon and an attack. I was simply giving you my opinion, if you don't want people to give not so good comments or feedback then I would suggest not post.

I jsut reread the poem and the last comment you made and I think the change from Trees to Bud was for the better.
 — Solstice

Thanks for the comment back, Solstice.  I'm sorry if I offended you.  I felt attacked by your first comment, so chances are we misinterpreted one another's intentions.  That happens, especially when it's hard to hear tones in written words on a computer screen, so I hope I didn't hurt you too badly.  I like the buds too instead of the trees, although somehow, "trees" seemed a bit more poetic for a short while.  Either way, thanks, take care, smoke on and I'm sorry if you got the impression that I was being an asshole, cuz I didn't mean to come off like one.  Peaceout.  Love, Starr
 — starr

Revised 8/02/07.  Got rid of "tender" per Chuckles' suggestion.
 — starr

I also changed L2 from "with" to "into" evening's crescent.  Thanks for the suggestions as I work on revising my repetoire here on P.C..  Peaceout.  Love, Starr
 — starr

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