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Fifi Ran
reidORnetsky

______________
 1
 
 
 
 
Fifi ran
 2
 
 
the soufle stand
 3
 
 
just above the tracks
 4
 
 
of the Metro that disgorged
 5
 
 
patrons of her snacks
 6
 
 
 
 
In time business rose then fell
 7
 
 
eventually flat
 8
 
 
 
 
I do not know the reason why
 9
 
 
 
 
Fifi ended on her back
 10
 
 
 
 
making dough
 11
 
 
the olden way
 12
 
 
 
 
she got a yeast confection
 13
 
 
 
 
After a thought
 14
 
 
had I her tongue
 15
 
 
you know I could
 16
 
 
 
 
relate without inflective glint
 17
 
 
her tale in French without a hint
 18
 
 
of adulterers as adulterant
 19
 
 
 
 
 
 
______________
 20

8 Jul 07

Rated 7.8 (7.8) by 6 users.
Active (6): 1, 1, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (0):

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Comments:

Clever and inventive, the words roll around themselves like tasty lozengers in the mouth. May we play a little? just for fun.

After a thought  
    
I had her tongue  
    
you know I could  
    
relate without inflective glint  
    
her tale in French without a hint  
    
of adulterers as adulterant  
  
 — unknown

Go away, Netsky.
 — unknown

no no don't go you silly joe, just because some unknown blows
 — unknown

critic #1, thanks!  I've added "a" to "After thought".
That helps!  I've put the waggish "could" into italic for wag-effect.
I -could- tell her story, but not in French.  And never would I tell it without inflective glints,
ha ha.  

---no, I won't "Go away, Netsky", no worry about that

Thanks for ideas.  I'll use what I can of your gifts,
and turn the rest of 'em against trolls in time.
 — reidORnetsky

[Comment removed by moderator.]

Excellent poem. The one change you made works very well.
 — unknown

[Comment removed by moderator.]

[Comment removed by moderator.]

[Comment removed by moderator.]

After seeing comments, I forgot what the poem is about.
 — unknown

[Comment removed by moderator.]

Yuck.
 — unknown

[Comment removed by moderator.]

[Comment removed by moderator.]

where have all the moderators gone?
they must be navel gazing everyone!
 — unknown

a little bird tells me that "infection" has been altered to "confection" for excellent comedic reason.
 — reidORnetsky

"confection" has replaced the former "infection", for comedy, of course.
reposting this comment as a test; the first one did not show up, yet the poem rose as if newly commented.
 — reidORnetsky

[Comment removed by moderator.]

test from a clean IE browser, logged out
reid
 — unknown

Funny.  I especially like the 'yeast confection'. I don't really understand why there is an extra space in between lines.

skinnyJon
 — unknown

comment
 — Esoteric

crit
 — unknown

It needs to be tightened up... too much chatting with the customers. Who is the customer for this poem? If it's the New Yorker then it's got to be more glib -- less filling, fewer adjectives -- more bite.

souffle'
 — joey

prob with confection?/infection?
i'd go with inflection and change inflective to something else entirely
 — unknown

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