poetry critical

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You speak to me face to face, so near and so dear.
And I do want to hear, so much wish to hear
What you meant to say in full.
But my thoughts are loud, so loud… rumble between my ears.
Like the sounds of thunders rolling in mid air…
But can’t find whence the lightning came, flashed mere moments ago.
And there are winds whirling a heavy storm, at those windows of my mind.
And you so near and so dear, speaking oh so softly,
Words which I need, so much need to know…

7 Jul 07

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i kind of just let my eyes wonder through this poem. it didn't hold my intrest and all i can remember is that there was something about a storm. Sorry, it's just a little boring.
 — Cherish

This is cute but now I have a crit from you, I know you have bolder words within you. I applaud your use of rhyme but I would suggest using much stronger and more complex words-use two or three syllable words in your end rhyme. Tell us what you really feel. I've read a lot of poetry and I've written a lot too. I think you're holding back: the ultimate sin. We want your soul ripped out and your heart aching on the floor. Give us what you are capable of, not what you think we want to read. I wish you the very best of luck.
 — Trish77

thanks for being frank, Cherish.
always glad to hear your comment.

And thanks for the butt-kicking, Trish77!
holding back... hmm.. never thought of it that way before.
perhaps i did for this piece...
it was an old, soul-tearing wound, so
perhaps scratching redness of the surface scar can not
reveal the full madness and devastation.

well, i knew something was askew...
turns out better than i have hoped
to hear from you two honest souls!
 — jmc

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