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Parental Encouragement
Cherish

I wanted to be a magician back then.
 1
 
 
With my quilt covering my back,
 2
and my father's hat covering
 3
the features handed down from my mother
 4
 
 
Red lipstick layered on my lips.
 5
Five year old hands pressing a tissue to my mouth
 6
 
 
I made my first trick
 7
 
 
"Observe. A kiss that lasts forever."
 8
 
 
I was the greatest magician my parents ever saw.
 9

7 Jul 07

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Comments:

emotion nicely framed!
wonderful choices on the presentation of details (except L7, which i dare say is a misssed opportunity)...

some of the lines can bring more impact if you simply change the word order, to increase the words impact as well the flow of the meter. for example, how about
L1: Back then, I wanted to be a magician
"Back then" - immediately set the time
"magician" at the end - emphasizes a main  character/role
the comma i thought isolate "I wanted to be a magician" even more
 — jmc

kay thanks...i'll try my best to make changes when i can...thanks a lot for the comment too:]
 — Cherish

Nice poem.
 — unknown

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