poetry critical

online poetry workshop



another justin hyyyyyde poem just for fretsky
unknown

once in a while
 1
what seemed
 2
to bother my uncle
 3
the most about
 4
his marriage
 5
was the inevitable
 6
need to divide
 7
portions of the day,
 8
plan errands
 9
around each other,
 10
so they could
 11
masturbate
 12
in a separate
 13
peace.
 14

3 Jul 07

Rated 4.3 (4.3) by 3 users.
Active (3): 1, 6, 6
Inactive (0):

(define the words in this poem)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

Let's quote this bitter in case you go about revising.
I want people to see the original, about which I'm going speak:


what bothered my uncle
1
the most
2
about his marriage
3
was the inevitable
4
process of
5
dividing portions
6
of their day
7
planning errands
8
around each other
9
so they could
10
masturbate in peace.
11

---------------

OK, the lines are too short and do not carry weight.
Short lines should have a reason for being other that "to look like poetry".
You seem to have no idea about the crafting of line breaks.

And as for the content, the unintended murk of the exposition has
the errands as the subject, errands that masturbate?

jeeze, just when I thought you couldn't do a poorer parody,
you re-top yourself.   Sort of fuck yourself, that means, in metaphor.

I can't rate this poem.  There's no index for banana peels.
I'd give it five slips on a scale of four if I could.

splitting now,
Reid
 — reidORnetsky

I step up to the mic and stammer:

Change the title. Ditch the justin reference. Rework your line breaks. I find this poem very enjoyable. Some marriages are like that. Some are worse.
 — banditfemme

He seems to waste his time trying to get some rise, when he could make his stuff real poetry.  That's the shame, to lose time, which, later on, he'll find is limited.
 — reidORnetsky

I agree with bandi. Very funny and definitely not far fetched.
 — unknown

nutsky overclucks as usual.
 — unknown

NOpE, no "overclucks", Noodles.  The grammar is wrong: a marriage is not a "their".
Errands do not masturbate.   It's not even intended to be ambiguous; it's simply murked-up -simple wordings- the author couldn't get quite straight.  The line breaks remain meaningless.  The "parody" fails because it is not even a parody. It looks nothing like JH's style.   So sez me.  Prove me wrong, Noodles.
 — reidORnetsky

people often overcomment when they're feeling threatened. sometimes i feel netsky is at a republican convention.
 — unknown

noodles is an undercover moderator here.
 — unknown

thanks to bandit and unknown
 — unknown

people often overcomment when they're feeling threatened. sometimes i feel netsky is at a republican convention.
— unknown
One time only, I was at a Republican convention.  As a Boy Scout, our troop provided the color guard for one night's opening ceremony.  We had no VCRs then.  My folks told me I was seen on national TV for a millisecond, in the distance, behind some commentator, along with twelve other Scouts.    After our "work" (it was fun) was done, we were at liberty to mix with the conventioneers.   This was 1968, Miami Beach.  Nixon's the One.
"Here, kid! Take this sign and walk up and down the aisle and hold it up and look enthusiastic", said some grownup.   I still have the sign.   We had a great time.
I held my sign (a red rectangle of cardboard with white lettering) upside down.
You know why?  Because it reads better that way.   NOXIN
I have that souvenir to this day.  The night was the night Spiro Agnew was nominated for Veep.  Bunch of crooks then, now always.   I'm rather more libertarian than any
Republican conventioneer.    Remember!  Vote for NOXIN (turn your monitor upside down now)
 — reidORnetsky

IS THIS TRUE? this is a serious question is this what really happens during marriage?
 — unknown

;^) Yes, all true.  Nixon and Spiro Agnew were gay lovers who just didn't get along.
Or are you talking about the poem?  I am at liberty to dominate this commentary list.

Do you agree or disagree, readers?  I am at liberty to dominate this commentary.
Reason: Read the title, badda boom!
another justin hyyyyyde poem just for fretsky

yessirs, his pome is pwnd.
 — reidORnetsky

the young netsky believes he can assert control over this poem. But like a man who has met his lolita peter, he brags his independence as he sweats a fever.
 — unknown

This poem stumps me.  Why would both of them have to plan to be alone to do this, why not just jump each other at home?  Inevitable?  I know some who don't fall into that trap.  

Too sad.
 — Isabelle5

maybe i ll delete it maybe i wont. who gives a care when i aint keepin count...


reid for netsky for noxin for toxin for botox or xotob for ---
 — unknown

isabelle you surprise me with your ignorance. and i am being kind.
 — unknown

Sigh...what ignorance do you think I'm showing here?
 — Isabelle5

why does this stump? it is obvious.
 — unknown

The poem is obvious, the idea that causes it is not.
 — unknown

nice line breaks.

and


good poem.
 — unknown

the wording is tricky and unclear. i would also advise a title change.

however, i do like the brutal honesty and point of the poem. don't be discouraged. this poem has great potential, but is still very rough.

best luck revising and refining.
 — luvscost

That's right, author: the gist of the poem has potential.
There ARE couples who struggle to find safe-alone time so they might masturbate unknown to the other.

The trouble of your poem is that you wasted the idea in trying for parody.
You can take the idea and revise, revise!  Keep it sharp and clean and make the thing a real poem.

Now, what's unfair or "fretsky" now?  
 — reidORnetsky

i dont understand how you became the arbiter of talent on this site when a majority of your poems are lacking.

i am nominating you for the show "so you think you can -----"  yes open ended so you wont have to work too hard to win.
 — unknown

So You Think You Can Masturbate In Peace?
 — banditfemme

:So You Think You Can Masturbate In Peace?
Yes, bF.  It's possible.  In IT parlance, if you do it fast enough,
the rate is measured in "mips"

Everyone should be free! I say to masturbate in peace.
Otherwise it's a rush job.
 — reidORnetsky

"i dont understand how you became the arbiter of talent on this site when a majority of your poems are lacking."
(the title, the title, the author made the thing just for me, see?

So honored to have my own commentary list in someone else's corn pone.
 — reidORnetsky

sounds like netsky is trolling. but o let him decide.
 — unknown

jilarious
 — unknown

"sounds like netsky is trolling. but o let him decide."

Point: the item was placed as a trolling.
Point: that it was "made just for" me.
Point: my favorite sport here is to troll the trolls.
Therefore, yes, I am trolling the troll, absolutely true.
 — reidORnetsky

it is not you you have any control mr weedy reid but the owner of the poem who can remove this poem in a second. please continue.
 — unknown

point: vexsky and huff i mean starsky and hutch i mean netsky and reid o wait there is no point
 — unknown

reminds me of the lyric "u got to keep em separated"
 — unknown

Newest (expand)
  • CAN YOU SELL THE PRESIDENT?
  • Prophet
  • the origins of poetry
  • On A Picture From The Scopes Trial
  • Autumn Breeze
  • Five Healthy Verses for the Children
  • On the side of the road
  • A prospective uncertainty
  • jealousy
  • emotions
  • mock poetry
  • shopping list - ( you're going to hate me ! )
  • In the Dark
  • Jakes Crew Luck
  • Hey! Moon!
Recently Commented (expand)
0.605s