poetry critical

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mundane mucus

when i casually rehearse "how was your day?"
i'm secreting seething undertones
i glance away
because your eyes wound me
mundane speech
how i hate you
casual interactions
rip out my heart
i need to delve deep
into the chasms of your soul
until your organs burst
and your supple skin grows into mine
one warm deathflesh blanket
formed until
your words tore us prematurely
my body scarred
with unwanted healing
and embers from that nightmorning slowly, miserably cooling
why can't we strike that match again
black stitches and all.

3 Jul 07

(define the words in this poem)
(3 more poems by this author)

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i don't know if i like this. though i suppose i wasn't meant to, considering the shady topic here.

the untraditional tone is great, but i feel as though you can expand. it's not a great idea, to expand, as the words here are delicate, but i crave a little more of this mucus, because it has a good critical tone to it, ironic even, for sure sarcastic.

though maybe it is a little too hate-oriented. it makes us feel like you can continue this imagination a little more, this instance, with a little more simple writing and even deviation from the catalogue style poem here.

creative metaphor of mucus anyway. just be aware that having too m'ms almost make it seem like it is exposing alliteration when i can't seem to hear how two m'ms sound like mucus.

work on it a little. i guess it doesn’t need it, but i see you going a little farther with this poem, instead of leaving it like this, a dry puddle of mucus that can be wet with a little more attention. good luck.
 — listen

excellent job with the line breaks
 — luvscost

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