poetry critical

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mundane mucus
vermilion

when i casually rehearse "how was your day?"
 1
i'm secreting seething undertones
 2
i glance away
 3
because your eyes wound me
 4
mundane speech
 5
how i hate you
 6
casual interactions
 7
rip out my heart
 8
i need to delve deep
 9
into the chasms of your soul
 10
until your organs burst
 11
and your supple skin grows into mine
 12
one warm deathflesh blanket
 13
formed until
 14
your words tore us prematurely
 15
my body scarred
 16
with unwanted healing
 17
and embers from that nightmorning slowly, miserably cooling
 18
why can't we strike that match again
 19
black stitches and all.
 20

3 Jul 07


(define the words in this poem)
(3 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

i don't know if i like this. though i suppose i wasn't meant to, considering the shady topic here.

the untraditional tone is great, but i feel as though you can expand. it's not a great idea, to expand, as the words here are delicate, but i crave a little more of this mucus, because it has a good critical tone to it, ironic even, for sure sarcastic.

though maybe it is a little too hate-oriented. it makes us feel like you can continue this imagination a little more, this instance, with a little more simple writing and even deviation from the catalogue style poem here.

creative metaphor of mucus anyway. just be aware that having too m'ms almost make it seem like it is exposing alliteration when i can't seem to hear how two m'ms sound like mucus.

work on it a little. i guess it doesn’t need it, but i see you going a little farther with this poem, instead of leaving it like this, a dry puddle of mucus that can be wet with a little more attention. good luck.
 — listen

excellent job with the line breaks
 — luvscost

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