poetry critical : poem

June Moon

blee73

Her makeup running	1
in the black wet	2
of crickety June.	3


You anemic orange,	4
baby’s skull	5
crowning womb.	6


Sugar lump	7
in night’s tea	8
dissolving soon.	9

I see the moon.	10

30 Jun 07

Rated 9.3 (9.3) by 3 users.

Active (3): 8, 10, 10
Inactive (0):

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Comments:

Individually, very nice images-- but they don't come together as a June moon.  Maybe they should be posted as separate haiku (be sure to count the syllables first though, eh?)

Mister Micawber
— MMicawber

ah, yes. Mr. M's advice is most excellent. A haiku moon collection: gift-boxed and ribboned. A full moon in June is called a Strawberry Moon. I just thought you might want to know that. And in 1996, there were two full moons in June. June-Moon trivia. And there is a book and a movie entitled: Tell Me That You Love Me, Juney-Moony.
— banditfemme

Hi Blee:  The title grabbed me instantly.  I love the Moon.  My only suggestion would be to ditch the repetetive "I see the moon" lines that begin the first two strophes.  You could keep the last one and in doing so, the "dissolving soon" would certainly rhyme beautifully enough as you have it to round out the poem.  Food 4 thought, anyway.  Nice images!  :-)  Starr
— unknown

Thanks all for commentary. Yes, MM I agree that there isn't any tie in or "so what?" That's the problem, one of them anyway.

banditfemme, ;)

starr, thanks as always.
— blee73

the reason why these images dont come together is because of the repetition of
"I see the moon"
edit that line from the rest of the strophes and then give it a try. it also reads smoother that way. also see if you could get rid of the initial caps in every line. a poem which comes alive with its imagery; incorporating repetition in it is a bad idea.
this poem reminded me of starr's 'Ashhole'.
liked it anyways.
thanks.
— trochee

jees somebody strings together a few metaphors to describe the moon and we're talking about them being haiku - come on peeps

bashu style:

the old moon
a cloud drifts past
now darker
— unknown

Thanks so much for all of your comments. Trochee, tried eliminating some of the repetition. How does it read now?

I agree with unknown, not haiku, but MM did say I'd need to watch syllable count to be fair.
— blee73

hi blee nice changes

but u still need the line ""I see the moon" either in the beginning or the end.
personally i think it should be in the end as  Line 10
— trochee

ok now since we have presented some ideas. please remove the introduction :))
— trochee

There.
— blee73

hey wow.. this is even better. ill give you a 10 :0 muah!
— trochee

Thanks!
— blee73

The only suggestion I would give is to drop the "I see the moon" entirely.   It doesn't add anything that I can see and it is already apparent that the poem is about the moon from the title.
— skinnyJon

Lol
— trochee

Magnifica, la luna!  Can you see how much more beautifully this reads now, Blee?  Awesome!  I just upped my "8" to a "10."  Awesome, awesome poem!  Love, Starr
— starr

Thanks starr!
— blee73

Minor note: your capitalization isn't consistent - S1 vs the others.
— unknown

Thanks Unknown!
— blee73

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