poetry critical

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He Said, She Said

I heard God whisper
in my ear - “Your
soul is black,
damnation’s near. “
When He was done
with His attack, I
grabbed His ear
and whispered back.
“Cut down that tree,
the apple’s sour -
lust, temptation,
wormy flower.  
Let free will wither  
on the vine - then I,
like You,
can be divine.”

29 Jun 07

Rated 8 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1): 8
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not near as good as bing bing bong
 — unknown

Dear unknown. A constructive criticism would be more helpful.
 — erato

erato. A fine poem, no suggestions for improvement, L9 to L16 greatly enjoyed
The whole piece is streets ahead of bing bong bong imo
 — unknown

I really like this. It's a great comment on the human species' inability attain perfection as long as there is free choice.
 — skinnyJon

almost like Emily Dickinson or Blake. Abstraction in poetry is always difficult to get right wholly.
 — karly22

I agree with unknown N#2 and say this is way better than bing bing bong and i thorughly enjoyed it, especially since it has a wittykind of shortrness to it.
 — unknown

Thanks to all who took the time to read and comment.
 — erato

This is excellent.  Post more
 — unknown

  To be even mentioned in the same context as Emily, the high priestess of poetry, made my day. An instructor I once had said she was the "hard liquor" of poetry.  My humble thanks.
 — erato

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