poetry critical

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deep thoughts: thursday stroll

every once in awhile
when strolling on a neatly groomed summer lawn
the odd dried-up maple leaf appears in the distance
resembling the brown, crusted form
of the neighbourhood's daily donation of dog shit.

29 Jun 07

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I, personally, don't think you need to break into a new line quite so often. Let your phrases stand on their own. They're strong enough. They can do it.
 — KibBen

not reeeelly a poem but it is cute
 — unknown

Yes, I know those crusty shapes well.
do you need " in the distance"?
Line five could be minimalized-- streamlined into fewer words.

Also.... you don't require "brown."

And when I read from L 2 -3, I notice a disconnect in subject.  

Every once in awhile
I tresspass on a neatly groomed summer lawn.  
The odd dried-up maple leaf appears,
resembling the crusted form  
of donated dog shit.
 — banditfemme


 — chuckles

do you know why dog poo is no longer white? it's very interesting.
 — unknown