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Bit of Ache
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My father taught me how to drill, when
 1
I was
 2
 
 
just five years old.
 3
 
 
I liked it;
 4
liked making holes,
 5
looking through
 6
 
 
with smooth ease.
 7
 
 
When he told me I had
 8
illness, I told him
 9
I’d
 10
 
 
board up
 11
my self, so that I would
 12
never hurt again.
 13
 
 
Only, he was the one to fasten the nails.
 14

28 Jun 07

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Comments:

Why did you leave such a gap between lines 2-3?  Do you need to say fantastic youth?  Five years old would sum that up for me.

Another odd space between lines 10-11.  It isn't helping the flow of the poem so what is its purpose?

You might need to define that illness more, if it's serious, tell us.  

I find the idea of a child believing that he can fend off illness by building a box to hide in heartbreakingly realistic.
 — Isabelle5

i like where you're coming from.

i didn't go into detail with the illness because the young boy wouldn't have understood exactly what it was anyway. and to go in detail would detract from the idea of writing a bit of a poem.

i'm having trouble spacing because i wanted to emphasize the words accordingly. but simplified line three by getting rid of fantastic youth, that of which sounds a little cheerful for the poem in question.

this is a good enough response for now, i think. you have me thinking. thank you.
 — listen

i think i spaced the poem to make the poem seem longer than it is, also, just to give pauses until the poem is ready to reveal itself.
 — listen

and, maybe having spaces would make the poem seem hole-y.
 — listen

perhaps you could go through the trouble of posting a re-space beneath the poem? if, you read this i guess.
 — listen

my father taught me
how to drill
when i was just five.

i liked it;

liked making holes,
looking through space
with smooth ease.

when he told me
i had an illness,
i told him

i'd board up my self,
so that i would
never hurt again.

only he was the one
to fasten the nails.

sorry for re-writing this, listen.
it was the only way to show other line breaks (not necessarily better),
as well as to add and delete a couple of words.
you have a way with words and emotion, buddy.
well written.
 — unknown

A re-space, you mean how I would do it?  I don't know, you're doing okay.  You explained yourself well and now I know why you put the space.
 — Isabelle5

i'm thinking of de-capitalizing. great rewrite, you shouldn't have to apologize for that, i needed it.

let me just change it as i see necessary ...

except, now Isabelle approves so i'm a little confused. both of you gave me great comments.
 — listen

Can line 14 be "but he would have to fasten the nails?"

The way you have it makes it sound as if it happened, not Might be going to happen.
 — Isabelle5

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