poetry critical : poem

Picked Clean

erato

Thick clusters of promise	1
hang from the branches	2
of my blueberry bushes.	3

With black thread	4
I fasten strips of foil -	5
flashes of sunlight	6
meant to scare.	7

Predacious eyes	8
shine down -	9
the ravenous one.	10

Flashing foil	11
cannot frighten a bird	12
nor good intentions	13
guard a chaste heart.	14

My bushes are purple heavy,	15
weighted with fruit.	16
Hush - I hear hungry wings.	17

28 Jun 07

Rated 8.5 (8.5) by 2 users.

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Comments:

Another good poem today! Excellent. That last line might have to be purloined...I like it very much, it conveys much in a small space.
— Isabelle5

Thank you Isabelle5. New to this site. Just feeling my way around. Hope I will get some helpful criticisms.
— erato

Lines 13+14 are beautifully framed. You might want to think of a replacementg noun for "foil" in L 11 inasmuch as you already used it in L 5.

You know what they say about good intentions . . . .?

I like your poem. A lot.
— banditfemme

Thanks banditfemme, I'll consider your suggestion.
— erato

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