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Double Hung (Poem 920)
starr

You're in front of me
 1
naked.
 2
 
 
You're breathing
 3
in soft belly.
 4
 
 
I'm in front of you
 5
burning like a bowl
 6
of trees come morning.
 7
 
 
You're beside me,
 8
beside yourself,
 9
 
 
inside a room that is tinged
 10
with the smells of paint and cigarettes
 11
 
 
watching me do chin-ups
 12
in an east-facing window.
 13

26 Jun 07

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Comments:

delicious title
I have always been fond of the expression "beside myself." You use it beautifully and cleverly in your poem. I also enjoy the subtle use of colour, and the feng-shui touch.
 — banditfemme

The man doing chin-ups
has he any clothes on
nice poem .
 — unknown

if this were my poem
i'd have half a mind
to remove
I'm
I'm
You're
I'm
but its not, so there you go...
cool words
 — chuckles

Thanks, you guys!  Chuck, it could work; the only problem would be that without the pronouns/contractions, the reader probably wouldn't know exactly by whom the action was being carried out, so that's why I stuck with the "I, I , you, you-thang."  Thanks 4 the read and da comments, brotha.  I appreciate that.  Peace.  Love, Starr (
 — starr

bowl of green trees?
 — unknown

ambiguity can sometimes be a useful tool and may even allow interprative decisions
 — chuckles

i liked your poem the way it is
 — chuckles

Chuckles!  Thanks!  Starr :-)
 — starr

Ooh la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.  Excellent, Starr, as always!  Your poetry speaks volumes to me!  Guess who?
 — unknown

I am intrigued by the bowl of trees (twigs? mmmm...). My only observation would be to question whether the parentheticals add much to the piece. Still, good stuff, Starr!  xo
 — DrakeScott

Thanks, Unknown!  I'm glad it "speaks volumes" to you!  Awesome compliment to my muse and it's very much appreciated.  Drakescott, I removed the parentheticals just to see if it would read any better.  Thanks to you too, bro!
Love, Starr
 — starr

Yup, it's better without the parentheses, imho. Good work!
 — DrakeScott

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