poetry critical

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this is what they call the second season
SweetPain

Sinking into summer bliss I forget what time meant
 1
and now my brain is drowning in nostalgia
 2
it hurts thinking of these thoughts
 3
so romantic in their taste and smell and sound
 4
 
 
I wonder if my taste buds, nose and ear-drums will come addicted to this summer heat.
 5

25 Jun 07


(define the words in this poem)
(77 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

nice piece. i don't intend to butcher this, but personally i felt that this piece was a little flat. i think you could add some oomph to this by altering the structure, changing around your line breaks especially. this is because, to me, i think you should add emphasis on individual aspects in your lines which are hidden in the length. possibly you could change it to something like:

Sinking into summer bliss,
I forget what time meant.  
and now
my brain is
d
r
  o
   w
     n
      i
       n
        g

in nostalgia.
where it hurts thinking these thoughts:  
so romantic in their taste
            ;          &nbs p;and smell
            ;          &nbs p;and sound.  
    
[It makes me wonder if my taste buds, nose and ear-drums will come addicted to this summer heat].

or maybe you could change line 2 into:

and now my brain is [drowning] in nostalgia.

then again, this is only my two cents- have no obligation to follow my advise, this is just what i think. great piece. i think that it develops mood very well. different too. rock on.
 — lanezfairy

Yes, they will... based on my past experience, I can tell you that the summer holds some of the fondest memories.  Something about the heat SEARS them into your soul and then they never leave you.
 — aforbing

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