poetry critical

online poetry workshop



7 new quatrains no rickshaw
Epic

Would you mind if I crossed your path,
 1
at the incredibly slow speed of wife?
 2
I would only be a bother for just a moment,
 3
and we could pass the time with life.
 4
 
 
I live within an unopinion cabin half embedded,
 5
into the upper corner of another cabin roof.
 6
Where depending upon the current time delay,
 7
I can fear the perfect aloof.
 8
 
 
If the correct were corrected without transgressions,
 9
as far as why farms could knew.
 10
And felled sideways each demand's two lessons,
 11
would that be dancing for true.
 12
 
 
If there was such a thing as a shallow dream,
 13
could there also be a shadowed task.
 14
No, tea would be a crowded heaven,
 15
if any man could ask.
 16
 
 
Buy equations to rescue mind,
 17
and equate the mist with climb.
 18
With only kind plus lonely time,
 19
I insist that equals fine.
 20
 
 
Known as where the crickets shy,
 21
where fame is the least of man's.
 22
I'm above within below the din,
 23
wondering if you have plans.
 24
 
 
In a massive long hallway at four in the morning,
 25
near the stranger at the other end in rain.
 26
You'll find a suggestion box narrowed at the top,
 27
a deterrence to a feedback's aim.
 28

22 Jun 07

Rated 6 (6) by 1 users.
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Comments:

you are so handsome.


mor and isabellle
 — unknown

This is amazing in that it seems to almost make sense in some lines but then doesn't.

For that alone, you deserve at least a 6.  Lines 27-28 are the ONLY ones that make sense to me at all.

What is the perfect aloof?  
 — Isabelle5

I struggled with keeping what I had already read with what I was reading. this piece is clever, sharp, but perhaps too much so to appeal to the masses. we must write to be read.

specifically, lines 2, 5, 9, 15 okay I'll stop now. good luck.
 — Trish77

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