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Revelation in the Sex-Shop
DICE

(Must be 18 to enter)
 1
displayed the front door
 2
but your old enough so step right in
 3
alternative rock sounds set the mood
 4
so you dance on mens laps?
 5
shake your ass? or do a little more for extra cash?
 6
if so stay up front check out the "fuck me heels"
 7
sexy-clothing 2 sell yourself (but try to hold on to your essence)
 8
tough I know, well maybe if you make enough you'll buy one that's new
 9
dirty men in the back looking at porn they can't afford
 10
staying for hours than exiting shamelessly without making a purchase
 11
others more fortunate in wealth but not in attraction got hundred dollar bills purchasing cheap-sillicone-thrills a little warm lube and a tripple Xflick 2 see the sights hear the sounds
 12
and pretend she's well u know the trick! hehe
 13
big-girl in the back always shy glasses on thinkin maybe this is just the same thing
 14
losing her virginty to cyberskin
 15
others come in for they cum 2 fast
 16
"hey buddy tell me, what can I do 2 make me last?"
 17
In the midst of all this
 18
sits the young split-hearted sex shop clerk
 19
reading a book in his native tongue
 20
tears in his eyes as it reveals he's livin a lie
 21
been on a ride in the sky
 22
for 2 whole months
 23
refused to get off
 24
who would of thought
 25
behind the counter of the sex shop
 26
sittin on a table feet on a chair
 27
readin a book
 28
was young man
 29
searching for his place 2 stand
 30
tears in eyes for nobody like the text
 31
has ever exposed his cowardness
 32
as the light which shines through the window pane
 33
begins to fade
 34
turning daylight to night
 35
he puts the book away
 36
knowing he won't ever be the same.
 37

wrote it real quick at work (intimate obsessions) will clean it up later!

21 Jun 07

Rated 8 (8) by 2 users.
Active (2): 7, 9
Inactive (0):

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Comments:

I liked reading this. You have excellent discriptions of people in sex shops (My curiousness led me into one once). I didn't expect an exclamation point at the end, it surpised me. If you want to keep it, I think you should have the reader expect it. It seemed out of place. I think you should work on the repetition of lines concerning the clerk. Either combine it or create a new way to describe him. Overall, I truly liked this. Great job.
 — wanderlusted

I forgot to say, I absolutely love L1.

I had to add that!
 — wanderlusted

L11 then shamefully instead of than shamelessly?
Superfluence of '2's... it doesn't help the piece, use 'to'.
L25 'would have' instead of 'would of'
L31 'likes' rather than 'like'
Little tweaks here and there... great subject... really dig alot of the phrasing (too many to quote). Hope I was helpful.
 — rrichards5

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