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For Chrissy's Father Who Hates Me (edited)

i carved her name into my chest
with a dull and blunted blade
i confess i almost bled to death
but u still remained unswayed
i faced the fearsome Rottweiler
who bit off my left hand
u said it only proved the point
that i was less than a whole man
outside her bedroom window
i watched as she undressed
tangled in your pricker bush
i got to see her breast
u filed a restraining order
but i’ll never go away
for i know your daughter loves me
so in your bushes i will stay
someday i’ll take her far from here
to a cabin in the snow
i’ll keep her there forever
and never,
never ever let her go.

21 Jun 07

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I won't take you seriously until you change "u" to "you"
 — unknown

I won't, so don't.
 — skinnyJon

^^People like that are so absurd.

Interesting story. Good luck with all that.

Seriously though, it was a good read. The feelings of obsession ooze from the poem. You did a great job getting your point across.
 — wanderlusted

Wanderlusted, I was just wondering if you were saying I'm absurd for not spelling "you" in the traditional way.  I also like to avoid most capitalization and punctuation in general.  My feeling is that this is poetry, not a term paper.

Anyway enough of my rant, I appreciate all criticism.
 — skinnyJon

No no no! I was talking about the unknown. I think it is absurd for someone to critique harshly for something that obviously up to the poet's discretion. Sorry about the confusion.
 — wanderlusted

if you = u then shouldn't your = ur?

this was funny, then creepy.

what was your inspiration?

 — unknown

 — x2jocelyn2x

It's very tough to read things with you spelled as u.  Unless the poet can make a cause for it, it diminishes the poem, imho.

I think you could change line 8 to "that I was less a man."  It would still fit your scheme and fit the line length better, perhaps?

I got stuck in your pricker bush
but got to see her breast.

I know your daughter loves me -
in the bushes, I shall stay.

A little cheese, a little sass, a lot of digging in the toes and not letting go.

Country western twang, someone grab a gee-tar and wail, please!

ps - aforbing says You'll Go Blind doing this kind of peeping!
 — Isabelle5

Thanks Isabelle, your comments are always welcome.  Inutile, this is autobiographical.  Just kidding, don't call the cops.  The first two stanzas just kind of came to me while driving home from work.  I actually had to pull off to the side of the highway to write it down.  I was thinking of the nature of love, and to what lengths a person might go to prove their love to someone.

Then, as I was writing, I realized that the thought process was more like that of a stalker than a lover.  At that I guess my sardonic sense of humor took over.  I kind of like the creepiness of it.
 — skinnyJon