poetry critical

online poetry workshop



after the long freeze
unknown

you no longer love your wife
 1
but there is a young
 2
child
 3
and the fear
 4
of him being raised
 5
by another man.
 6
 
 
she sleeps upstairs
 7
in the bed
 8
and you in the basement
 9
on the couch.
 10
 
 
you wake up
 11
without an alarm
 12
and while pissing
 13
in the basement drain
 14
you suddenly understand
 15
why all the old farmers
 16
who hung out at grandpa's repair shop
 17
would sometimes sit silent
 18
as a hundred miles
 19
of rusted fence.
 20

20 Jun 07

Rated 9.2 (9) by 7 users.
Active (7): 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (1): 8

(define the words in this poem)

(6 users consider this poem a favorite)
aprilkutie
bunny198
Cherish
DrakeScott
Isabelle5
sarahjoie



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Comments:

very satisfying to read. only two possible things for me; I can't put my finger on why but "without" might go better on end of L11, and I don't think you need the "you" of L15.  love the ending. absolutely love. !
 — gem_grrrl

I am not a fan of 'you' -
relating the poem to the reader.
I do think this is very well done but
would prefer 'I' instead.

Sam
 — unknown

I must admit that I hesitate to compliment without offering anything in the way of suggestion, as it smacks of pandering; BUT, I can't seem to find any way I'd improve this. For me, the use of the second person "you" made it very immediate. Fine work.
 — DrakeScott

I'm sure it's just that today is harder than I expected but this is making me cry.  Too much sadness in this big world and you captured the pathos too well.  It sounds authentic and flat, like the slap of a hand on an unsuspecting cheek.
 — Isabelle5

gem,
sam,
drake,
isabell,

thanks for reading and the suggestions.

justin.
 — unknown

While the whole of the poem was good, I loved the ending; perfect imagery.
 — wanderlusted

nice, imagery a bit bland
 — unknown

do you ever get bored of using the same technique? ie a desolate setting followed by a daggered ending. it's nice one at a time but dont write a book otherwise those with a memory might catch on.
 — unknown

Oooh... powerful and packs a punch with very little words.  This is really a great effort.  I'm not even really gonna complain about this one at all.  I'd suggest that line 13 not start with "and" becuz that's a really weak start to a line, but that's about all.  I really enjoyed this one and it spoke to me.
 — aforbing

af,
wander,

thanks for reading.

justin.
 — unknown

above all, honesty is what counts in poetry. this is right out there, cold and alone. i don't understand the feeling but i know those who do.-hb
 — unknown

I love the ending, alot. The only thing I would change in this poem has been said already: The "you" in L11.
 — bbucsis

I enjoy this poem and it relates wonderfully to me. Just one thing with the imagery in the poem the pissing in the drain in the basement line could be reworked a bit better and less edgey. if that makes sense.
 — Solstice

Do NOT change a thing.
 — unknown

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