poetry critical

online poetry workshop

after the long freeze

you no longer love your wife
but there is a young
and the fear
of him being raised
by another man.
she sleeps upstairs
in the bed
and you in the basement
on the couch.
you wake up
without an alarm
and while pissing
in the basement drain
you suddenly understand
why all the old farmers
who hung out at grandpa's repair shop
would sometimes sit silent
as a hundred miles
of rusted fence.

20 Jun 07

Rated 9.2 (9) by 7 users.
Active (7): 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (1): 8

(define the words in this poem)

(6 users consider this poem a favorite)

Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha


very satisfying to read. only two possible things for me; I can't put my finger on why but "without" might go better on end of L11, and I don't think you need the "you" of L15.  love the ending. absolutely love. !
 — gem_grrrl

I am not a fan of 'you' -
relating the poem to the reader.
I do think this is very well done but
would prefer 'I' instead.

 — unknown

I must admit that I hesitate to compliment without offering anything in the way of suggestion, as it smacks of pandering; BUT, I can't seem to find any way I'd improve this. For me, the use of the second person "you" made it very immediate. Fine work.
 — DrakeScott

I'm sure it's just that today is harder than I expected but this is making me cry.  Too much sadness in this big world and you captured the pathos too well.  It sounds authentic and flat, like the slap of a hand on an unsuspecting cheek.
 — Isabelle5


thanks for reading and the suggestions.

 — unknown

While the whole of the poem was good, I loved the ending; perfect imagery.
 — wanderlusted

nice, imagery a bit bland
 — unknown

do you ever get bored of using the same technique? ie a desolate setting followed by a daggered ending. it's nice one at a time but dont write a book otherwise those with a memory might catch on.
 — unknown

Oooh... powerful and packs a punch with very little words.  This is really a great effort.  I'm not even really gonna complain about this one at all.  I'd suggest that line 13 not start with "and" becuz that's a really weak start to a line, but that's about all.  I really enjoyed this one and it spoke to me.
 — aforbing


thanks for reading.

 — unknown

above all, honesty is what counts in poetry. this is right out there, cold and alone. i don't understand the feeling but i know those who do.-hb
 — unknown

I love the ending, alot. The only thing I would change in this poem has been said already: The "you" in L11.
 — bbucsis

I enjoy this poem and it relates wonderfully to me. Just one thing with the imagery in the poem the pissing in the drain in the basement line could be reworked a bit better and less edgey. if that makes sense.
 — Solstice

Do NOT change a thing.
 — unknown

Top Rated (expand)
Newest (expand)
  • perfect white noise
  • My Summer, My Sun
  • poetic burn out
  • phone feelings
  • empty soles that tread the steps to day
  • Your body, I am.
  • Casualty of love
  • A Mothers Love
  • my cycle.
  • Childish Innocence and Blimps
  • As I Was Passing
  • Mr. Kaboomington
  • umbrellas responding to Rain
  • Burn Down Summer
  • Lilith
Recently Commented (expand)
  • my cycle.
  • Kunai
  • Most dumped boyfriend (found poem)
  • perfect white noise
  • slowdancing around my existential meltdown
  • My Life.
  • things we do when we are empty
  • poetic burn out
  • Burn Down Summer
  • the psalms of wasps and other stinging insects
  • Stones crush beatles
  • When Love Dies
  • caught threads
  • lightness traveling, come undone
  • My Summer, My Sun
Recent Best (expand)
  • 1. The Sunflower Girl
  • 2. An Honorable Man
  • 3. Existentialist In God's Garden
  • 4. And I Have Loved Thee, Oh Shun
  • 5. saturdays and sundays at 6am
  • 6. \\ Now The Cat's Got No Whiskers \\
  • 7. //for ivan//
  • 8. hank and i press our hands
  • 9. This Is Your Last Chance
  • 10. the impoetic man
  • 11. wittgenstein's art ( a story in verse )
  • 12. mark'd
  • 13. Childish Innocence and Blimps
  • 14. Kick-back
  • 15. You Kissed Like a Prostitute