poetry critical

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If I fold your face
left over right
the bright  eye
and the dark eye
make a greedy vortex.
I have you grinding asters
in the stubble of your cheeks.
Half a smile
meets half a grimace.
If I lie
give me back my mind.
The slick emulsion
sickens me.

20 Jun 07

Rated 6.5 (6.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 6, 7
Inactive (0):

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sleek and compelling. Lines 10+11, however, throw me off...
 — banditfemme

I love this all but the last strophe.
I think you could end it at l9.
Good writing.
 — unknown

Yeah I don't quite get the significance of the final verse.  First verase is top notch however.
 — unknown

This made me laugh, which is a good thing.  Do you need 10-13?  The poem seems complete without that part.
 — Isabelle5