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I'm sorry I mispronounced “rendezvous”
wanderlusted

I'm sorry I mispronounced “rendezvous”
 1
 
 
He leaned back his learned head
 2
to laugh at my sad existence.
 3
Being half naked and embarrassed
 4
is not a good time to be laughed at,
 5
especially when lately
 6
you have found it easier to cry.
 7
 
 
Maybe a secret renn-deZ-voo-us
 8
is what I wanted to say...
 9
But it’s too late to lie.
 10
Throw pillows at him,
 11
that'll prove me right.
 12
 
 
Spilling the garbage of my thoughts, I yelled:
 13
“I read it on the internet!”
 14
Oh God, now I sound like the hick I am.
 15
Poor excuse, I suppose, but...
 16
"I’m not French damnit!"
 17
 
 
He’d better stop laughing because
 18
it’s as easy to hate him as love him
 19
And if he had said it,
 20
I would have found it adorable,
 21
Not “stupid”.
 22
 
 
Which both defies and defines me.
 23

19 Jun 07

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Comments:

Line 8 to Line 10 are a weak point in the poem. What is the point of the stanza? Be clearer, and say something with more substance. Other than what I mentioned, it's good, and funny when it's not supposed to be funny.
 — unknown

If you changed the And in line 21 to Which, this would be almost perfect, in my opinion.  This is funny and realistic.  You are able to laugh at yourself, which is a great skill in life!
 — Isabelle5

I'll take your advice. "Which" it is! Thank you Isabelle.

As for unknown, thanks. I'll work on L8-11.
 — wanderlusted

Well, if you use Which, you have to get rid of the word this in that line.

I can just imagine this entire scene.  half naked is never a good time to be laughed at!
 — Isabelle5

I guess I got so excited to update my poem (which I usually do, I'm such a geek) I forgot to delete "this", too. Thanks for the reminder.

Yes, it is an awful time to be laughed at. It just opens up a big box of insecurities.
 — wanderlusted

it's relatable
 — unknown

i'd laugh at you. who messes up rendezvous?
 — unknown

L17 dammit = damnit, maybe add a comma before it, too.

i read this several times, it made me laugh and cringe in the right places, i suppose. nice poem.

-inutile
 — unknown

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