poetry critical

online poetry workshop



a warm tide
uncjaf

The thin piece of dull steel—a foreign presence—
 1
embeds itself, suddenly, beneath my skin.
 2
There is a feeling of expansion, of rape,
 3
as a warm tide of blood encircles the penetration.
 4
I cannot remove the needle tip it is wedged too deeply,
 5
the incision too small.
 6
 
 
I watch a violet bruise rise in a nearby mirror.
 7
There is slow panic that gathers momentum
 8
as infection whispers through an old light fixture, a waking hum,
 9
and in the dining room, soon, my company’s meal will be ruined.
 10
 
 
I vomit twice as my arm expands further.
 11

16 Jun 07

Rated 10 (10) by 4 users.
Active (4): 10, 10
Inactive (0): 9

(define the words in this poem)
(5 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

This is exquisite. It feels so real, like the writer and the subject are one. It is so well written, I can't fault it. You should write a book, I want to read more!
 — icepineapple

This is absolutely incredible!  L10 should be dining room.  Otherwise, perfection!  Great work!  :-)
 — starr

p.s.  The title is in no way indicative of what the reader is in for either.  I was very much surprised!
 — starr

thank you for the kind words ice and starr
 — uncjaf

One word:

Wow.

This is amazing!! It's full of brilliant imagery. Definitely a favorite!!!
If I could rate this poem it'd be a 10/10!
 — luster

thank you luster, I appreciate that
 — uncjaf

Mmm, I love it. Your words portray the image.
 — ashley87

Very vivid... I like the internal rhyme in L10. However, there's something about L11 that just gives me pause. I don't know if it's the word choice of "vomit", which seems sort of clinical in this context, or perhaps the awkward phrasing of "expands further". Overall, this is a very strong piece, and I compliment you.
 — DrakeScott

How about "as my arm balloons?"  I knew the first time I read this that it was destined for the tops of the lists.  Great writing!  Peace.  Starr
 — starr

thank you everyone for commenting. Drake, Starr, thank you for the help especially with the last line. I agree with you both, especially, with Drake in that "vomit" is a little bit too clinical. Ashley, thanks for the support:-)
 — uncjaf

Hmm.... I feel a drug vibe here, but am not sure.
In a way, I think of heroin when I read this, but I also feel that the author is trying to tell me something deeper.
Since I don't think I'm a complete cad, I figure that other readers are also a bit stumped when they read this, so perhaps a revision to instill more clarity would help this poem out a lot.
Really... just a LITTLE bit more detail and I can be certain of what you are trying to convey.  I agree that a little mystery can be great for a poem, but maybe in this case, there is too much mystery?
 — aforbing

aforbing - I appreciate your criticism. Hm, perhaps you are correct...that will be something i'll look into for a future revision. How to do this - add clarifying detail- without being didactic is a tough challenge. But, your point is well taken. I'd tell you what the poem is about, but I think that might ruin the experience of reading a poem. Plus, on a selfish level, I enjoy reading people's analysis of the subject matter. If you personal message me (can you do that on this site) i'd be glad to share with you my muse.

-Jacob
 — uncjaf

Top Rated (collapse)
Newest
Recently Commented
Recent Best
0.262s