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Refugee Family: Yellow On Grey
banditfemme

Her dress a daisy
 1
impossible under tin awning,
 2
scuffed shoes dust
 3
ghost-town pavement.
 4
He tilts her kitten chin
 5
in his raw hand.
 6
Memorizes her smile – tattoo
 7
under spine-broken umbrella.
 8
 
 
Kissed prayers in white June night.
 9
Their daughter swallowed
 10
in the smudge of a hall.
 11
 
 
Bedraggled deportees clutch satchels.
 12
Locomotion a guest,
 13
transients despair.
 14
Obsolete passports fall,
 15
slip shrill
 16
into  final
 17
call.
 18

12 Jun 07

Rated 9.5 (9.5) by 2 users.
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Comments:

the first stanza took me right into this poem.
and i was delighted by the second.
every alternate line is a favorite.
L 14 : transient's ???? as in a traveler ???
 — trochee

nice portrait.
a little suggestion -

Daisy dress impossible
under tin awning, scuffed
shoes dust ghost-town
pavement; he tilts her
kitten chin in his raw hand.

i also think lines 7-9 should be part of s1.
line 10-11 could be by themselves as s3?

1-12 are tight, but 13 on it becomes a little abstract...

thank you.
 — varun

yes, trochee
transients as in deportees, people in transition. Thank you for your kind comments.

varun

very asture pointers. I accept your new stanza format gratefully. Yes, I know the ending bleeds out... from specific to general. In deportation personal tragedy gets lost in collective chaos. But you've created very helpful uncertainty. Thank you.
 — banditfemme

i have only one suggestion - take 'the' out of line 17; otherwise a piece of writing which gives its subjects so much dignity. The motif of the daisy is quite unforgettable. This is a very finely wrought poem.
 — opal

thank you, opal. Your acrostic, as well as Varun's, still challenges my preconceptions. More on that later. I'm still trying to dig deeply into archives to show you another impossibly good acrostic.
 — banditfemme

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