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Becoming a Mermaid Mother (Again)
Isabelle5

They buried me at sea,
 1
ashes spread across peaceful water,
 2
out past the breakers,
 3
where the ocean breathes.
 4
 
 
They had tears in their eyes
 5
even as I heard my oldest daughter's laughter -
 6
“We’re throwing in a Compazine, Momm,
 7
hope you don’t get seasick!”
 8
 
 
Their sorrow fell in salt
 9
and made me there
 10
a gravid transformation,
 11
as I felt my spirit merging
 12
with the water, and a freedom
 13
long denied by time and flesh,
 14
coming back to me.
 15
 
 
Now I watch these children
 16
walk their children on the shore,
 17
searching shells (and ash)
 18
and interesting driftwood.
 19
 
 
I swim up to the water’s edge
 20
to kiss and nibble on their toes,
 21
just like when they were my babies,
 22
 
 
when they pretended we were
 23
mermaids as they threw sand
 24
back into the hungry mouth
 25
of the sea.
 26

12 Jun 07

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Comments:

i would manage longer lines to take care of rhythm, i think...
are four-lines stanzas really necessary in your poem ?
 — greenmantle

I didn't do this in any particular format, there is no 4-line stanza except accidentally.  The rhythm is wavelike, slow and graceful, at least in my head!
 — Isabelle5

this is wonderouss
 — unknown

Thank you so much for liking it.
 — Isabelle5

Hmm...a fairy tale?
 — inc_reign

This is a beautiful piece of writing especially the last two stanzas, despite the somewhat arbitrary seeming linebreaks of lines 23/24 and 25/26 -i'm not a fan of ending lines with pronouns or prepositions unless there seems a real purpose to it and I'm not sure there is here. 'Interesting' driftwood is a bit empty for me and why 'momm' with a double m? The word 'gravid' on the other hand is perfect. Very, very beautiful despite my small reservations.
 — opal

Opal, I'll think about the line breaks.  You know that PC doesn't always let you format the same as you do on Word.

Yes, a fairy tale, the kind of thing my mind spins all day.  

The double M?  My kids call me Momm - half Mom, half Mommy.  
 — Isabelle5

yes indeed. very beautiful.

in my opinion this is good poetry, what poetry should be. it is not obstructed by any word that wouldn't fit the flow of this, and i say flow as to better fit the water idea here? not to say that is what it is all about, no, just that that sets the background for it.

the poem is not watery, which is always a plus. i really admire the way this is read. beautiful in so many aspects, such as with the idea of the mermaid, surprisingly not an idea much read, at least not from my experience. you fill that gap of experience, i suppose. i liked how the last two stanzas lead into each other, one a historical set up, the other a nice closing, nice because of its different point of view, from the modern point of view.

it just seems so perfect to me. perhaps, because the reader does not feel a need to suggest any changes, for fear it would damage the way this is read ...

good work.
 — listen

you said you didn't write this in any particular format. i'm sorry, but i noticed one, that format seems to be a strong asset of this poem. assuming it was just an accident, it shows that writing good formatting is a strength for you, even when you don't mean it to.
 — listen

Listen, thank you for all the kind comments.

I am a believer that poetry is often an instinctive voice and if a form comes through, it is often just because the person has written and listened to so much language in their lifetime, that it begins, after awhile, to come out spontaneously.  I'm certain that most of here can attest to that, that sometimes words just spark off the end of your fingers (or pen, if you still use one!).
 — Isabelle5

i totally agree with your very true theory.

i had a thought: having (again) makes it seem like this poem is the second part of an other previous poem; did i miss it, perhaps?
 — listen

No, you missed that I was their pretend Mermaid mother once...grins and nibbles your toes.
 — Isabelle5

Isabelle

You are an absolute star. This is beautiful.

Larry fishy tales Lark
 — larrylark

Larry, thank you for that.  I feel glittery (but it's probably just sand in my hair).
 — Isabelle5

buried doesn't really work at the start because they're freeing your ashes and not burying you into the ground. I'm having trouble seeing |9, but I have no other gnats aside from that. I really liked the idea of you nibbling on their baby toes pretending to be a mermaid...beaches always take me back.
 — Virgil

Virgil, spreading ashes is often part of a burial at sea, with ceremony and such, not simply open an urn and letting the ashes go.  Does that help?

Line 9 is their tears, of course.  I was trying to convey the tears mingling with the mother ash, creating an energy - their love and sadness, her love and sadness, combining to renew the love into a new creation that captures both but also incorporates joy.  Guess I was asking too much or putting too much imagination of my own into the words.

Imc
 — Isabelle5

you write like a fat old sagpuss. Your poetry is awful. It has bad breath. Your threads make me want to puke-a-plenty. You are dizzy, bossy and untalented.
You constantly say how smart and beautiful you are. Prove it or stfu.
 — unknown

What an odd comment.  I rarely say I'm even pretty and although I am intelligent, I don't make a big fuss about it.

Are you licking those Rocky Mtn spotted toads again?  tsk tsk
 — Isabelle5

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