poetry critical : poem

Black Summer

Mongrol

as the light sinks behind torn clouds,	1
chill fingers work their way through	2
raven black	3
hair still damp from the river.	4

behind the veil her faint hand moves	5
shadow and she walks through walls	6
turning once	7
to leave an impression of her passing.	8

half closed eyes unfocused on faded	9
shapes of blackthorn hedges bordering	10
an empty	11
cold field in misty still morning.	12

the life i saw lighten her so pale	13
face and turn her sour mouth into	14
a smile	15
when i took that chance and said be mine.	16

this light i saw, then thunder cloud and	17
dark foul air, her violence curse	18
my name	19
on her lips painted with poison.	20

those eyes, those terrible eyes lined	21
with joy and drew me in by their	22
deep fathoms	23
when she sat on the grass in the sun.	24

12 Jun 07

Rated 8 (9) by 2 users.

Active (2): 7, 9
Inactive (2): 9, 10

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Comments:

This is disturbing.  I can see very vivid images of this in my head but the writing is out of step in some places, as if you took away a stone as we were about to put our mental foot on it.

Does anyone see that?  Example is line 5-6 white hand moves shadow.  It feels almost right but still as if there is a word or something missing.  Same thing in lines 13-14  - lighten her so pale face - is that a finished phrase or not?  It's hard to tell.

Wispy, that's the word I'm thinking that describes this.  It fits the mood of the poem very well but it leaves the actual writing of it just slightly off-kilter.

I still like this a lot, though.

oh, ps - RUN!!!!!!!!!
— Isabelle5

Hiya Isabelle :)

Yes i agree - it is off-kilter - and perhaps not entirely polished just yet - but trying to capture something of the person being described here - well she was out of step too - not quite of the mundane world - off kilter to a point it damaged her.

it does need some finishing yes - and i'll definitely think about the points you marked here

thanks again  :D

-Mong-
— Mongrol

I still like it, with all the twists of wording.  It paints a very vivid and stark picture so the wording sort of fits the person.  I don't know if changing it would make it better or ruin it.  It's a wonderful illusional sort of feeling to me.
— Isabelle5

You describe my feelings toward hers and just simply being in her company really well.

Never totally comfortable, but longing to be with her. Totally convoluted emotionally unbalanced person - but a beautiful and creative and desperately wonderful human being.

I loved her but was never able to tell her that simply.

-Mong-
— Mongrol

Aw, once you add the human touch, Mong, that illuminates this.  Thanks.
— Isabelle5

I enjoyed this, there is a real air of mystique and it is rather eloquent. However there are grammer mistakes. Line 1 should be torn clouds or the or a torn cloud. Line 2 should be chilled or chilly. Line 5/6, should be in shadow. Line 12 should be in the misty still morning.. Lines 13/14 should be her face so pale. Line 17, there should be a comma after the word saw. You change tense in line 18, change to cursed. Having said all that I love the poem, it reminds me of a book I once read. And it's going into my favourites.
— unknown

thank you unknow - i'll make the grammar corrections now :)

-Mong-
— Mongrol

hmm ok after going through some of the suggestions and reading it through - i decided ...

chill in line 2 works as the word it is - it remains direct as description

shadow in line 6 remain - simply because i wanted to imply shadow almost as an entity, quite singular in its personality - and not her hand moving through it - rather it and her as insubstantial as one another

both the word 'still' in line 12 and the arrangement of 'so pale face' in line 13/14 both remain as I enjoy the odd placements of them

in Elizabethan english writing/poetry etc it wasnt unusual to find such arrangments

but Unknown - the placements of commas and some suggestions you said work very well and i have used them :D

-Mong-
— Mongrol

After reading this several times, I'm left with an uneasy feeling in my gut.  I love the torn clouds - we had that sky here last night.
— skinnyJon

thank you Jon :)

-Mong-
— Mongrol

Mong, I am quite impressed that your Average rating is 9.1!!  That's great!
— Isabelle5

mmm wonderful.

I have to talk about color abstractions again though.
Describe black and white.
You did it with raven but you needn't include the word black
(raven hair works for me - adding black is redundant)
Another word for 'white' hand?
Pale perhaps...sallow?

Good reading.

SAm
— unknown

and Sam too.
— unknown

Hi again Sam  :)

well yes, your points are well taken, and i have mused on the same things a few times with this - thinking is 'pale' too overused - is black and white too simplistic? etc etc

but i came to conclusion these fitted the theme of shades and the monochromatic effect i wanted to get into this piece

diffusion is a key word here, diffusion of colour into white greys, then slapped starkly into a raw focus of absolute blacks and eye searing whites - it is high contrast in places and indistinct hues in others

i hope some of that makes some sense and puts into context the basic palette i have used here, it is more an ink wash picture than anything, with chalky white oils offsetting vague distinctions of form and perspective

kind of :)

thanks again - though i will think certainly about your suggestions.

-Mong-
— Mongrol

> Mong, I am quite impressed that your Average rating is 9.1!!  That's great!

Hi Isabelle - yeh I wondering about that myself. I do hope this is not another attempt at sabotage as previous.

We shall see though :)

-Mong-
— Mongrol

I've made a couple of changes that you pointed out as suggestions Sam - the raven hair works for me too :)

-Mong-
— Mongrol

I find that raven black is more descriptive than just raven or just black.  Ravens have a bluish sheen to their feathers that not all black birds have, so Mong, I have to disagree with Sam about that.  As for the so pale, perhaps if you fused those two words - so-pale - it would work or call it parchment?  Parchment would not only indicate a color, a shade of pale, but also a fragile, about-to-break, sense of
her illusionary being.

Is blackthorn an allusion to an old fable about blackthorn and witches?  I'll have to check on that but I think blackthorn is the perfect shrub to use here.
— Isabelle5

Ive been looking for a more poetic way of introducing the 'sheen' aspect to the hair - same as the ravens feathers Isabelle.. quite right too

and yes Blackthorn is imply something other-worldly here - Quick(Black)thorn is the 'Witches Tree' - though also happens to flower with my personal favourite spring blossoms - it is also sacred to the Goddess Eris - whom i quite admire.

The Blackthorn is an immensely potent image as its historical/religious/mythological connections are many. But mostly it is one of the first things i think of when picturing an English hedgerow. Plus it also provides Sloes, if you've never had a Sloe Brandy (not in) then you're missing out for sure. :D

But yes it is perfect - here is this person, delicate as the blossoms, as ancient in her spirit, and dangrous with her thorns. Thank you for seeing this.

OK, lol i do flipflop at times - I'll leave the black in with raven, until perhaps something regarding the sheen of colour comes to mind.

thank you Isabelle.

-Mong-
— Mongrol

I had sloe gin fizz long ago.  I wonder if you could say something like 'through blue-black hair, like the Raven that calls her (or haunts her or something) to indicate the color but also a connection to the bird that is thought by some to be a vehicle by which souls are taken to Heaven.
— Isabelle5

Thats right - the Raven is the carrier of the 'message' - the soul - and in much earlier beliefs the Raven and Crow were seen as direct 'portals' to the gods.

Yeh tho i will think more about it Isabelle - knowing there is this description just on the tip of the mind is almost frustrating  :D

-Mong-
— Mongrol

Mong, try thinking about it just before you go to sleep tonight.  I don't know why that works but it works. gives your brain something to chew on all night.  I know that frustration but I know you'll find the perfect wording.
— Isabelle5

I agree with both of you, yet what I mean by color abstractions is, everyone sees colors differently (though neither of these are colors).
Because of my eyesight I am color blind. I can actually write about sky-colored grass. I live in an almost monochromatic world so describing the blackness or whiteness or whatever-ness gives me a basis for interpretation.

Eh, when I am blind Isabelle is going to read and interpret all the poems for me anyway:)

I do think this is very good writing though, Mongrol.

Sam
— unknown

this piece is beautifully sad. makes me think of divorce and regret. well done.
— Trish77

thank you trish, yes there is much of that in the reflection of this, most definitely a 'regret' piece

-Mong-
— Mongrol

This attempts to go there, but it doesn't arrive...
It's like faltering between an attempt to describe "Goth Girl" and an a simple comparison of her and the sun/summer.
I think this needs some tightening... lets focus either more on her and describing her or more on the "plot" of the story.  If you stay true to one or the other, this will have more cohesion and as a result, more beauty.
— aforbing

I should actually probably mention this is still incomplete and in progress - but yes, perhaps there isnt a tight cohesion between the two main platforms here.

Though 'Punk Girl' is probably closer to a visual discription, but sub-cult fashion was never part of this.

Thanks for your input aforbing.

-Mong-
— Mongrol

this is poetry, not a story so plots aren't necessary. the swaying between the two descriptions is what drew me into this. it was like watching both of you and reading the author's mind at the same time.
— unknown

small edit to line5
— Mongrol

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