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someone's playing a cello
blee73

I'm not finished with this by a stretch. I was wondering what y'all think and could you perhaps help with a better title? Thanks.

Down in the bottoms
 1
someone’s playing a cello.
 2
You can just hear its
 3
echo massaging the
 4
walls of
 5
pandemonium.
 6
 
 
Down in the bottoms
 7
my toes curl like talons in
 8
the gray dandruff of ash
 9
shaken from the
 10
wings of
 11
shocked Angels.
 12
 
 
Down in the bottoms
 13
mannequins melt into
 14
bubbling blobs,
 15
shredded cobwebby souls
 16
blowing
 17
from singed fingers of trees.
 18

9 Jun 07


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Comments:

I like the title - it drew me in and I like the first stanza very much - especially how the smooth sound contrasts with the 'walls of pandemonium.' The second two stanzas are not so sharp and lose a bit of their impact in the abstraction of over description - a few too many 'shredded cobwebby' type things that are too vague really. Sharpen those up and I think it will be really good.
 — opal

I agree with opal.  The only other thing I'd have to say is that your "down in the bottoms" could be a bit confusing.  I understood, but I think maybe "hollows" would fit as well.
 — 1994

Thanks for reading and commenting opal and 1994, I'll definitely look into your suggestions.
 — blee73

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