poetry critical : poem

Welsh Poet's Acrostic

opal

Drunk, dizzy, giddy, bright	1
yellow moon swings	2
low slung. He clings to cool roof	3
as double decker sways into deep	4
night. From early evening,	5

taste of too much beer	6
has faded as yellow moon becomes	7
orange and green bus	8
meanders its way home	9
along dusky lanes as a poet	10
sleeps.	11

9 Jun 07

Rated 8.9 (9) by 13 users.

Active (13): 3, 3, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (2): 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(74 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)

Mongrol
winter
zekejacobi

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Comments:

I have only appreciated two acrostic poems, and this is one. I have tried to transplant the other here as I'm sure you would enjoy it, but it involves too much digging into poetry forum archives.

I dislike the form intensely, so when I see something this splendidly designed, my admiration jumps up and down.
— banditfemme

How i agree bf - i think acrostics are silly by and large, so your positive feeling is therefore, doubly gratifying and happy making. I was acutely aware that I was writing this for a poet whose work i admire very much. Initially it wasn't an acrostic - it was meant to be an image of him based on an interview I heard as part of a retrospective appreciation of his work. Some pompous old suit asked him how he made his way home after a night's drinking and Thomas replied, 'On the top of the bus' - the old suit then replied that that seemed quite an ordinary way of getting from a to b, whereupon Thomas replied, 'Not on the top deck, on the top' Apparently he regularly climbed the bus shelter and dropped on top of the bus, like some drunken film stuntman, so that's what the poem's about.
— opal

I never thought acrostics got this good,
— unknown

^ they almost never do. This is a standout. It defies acrostic gravity.
— banditfemme

nice poem.

consider a semi between faded and yellow instead of the 'and'?
maybe a comma between orange and green?

nice poem.
— varun

acrostics are childish games more silly than connect the dots.
— unknown

isn't the little t bothering? menh...
— varun

could just get rid of 'from early evening', no?
— varun

taste of too much beer
has faded, yellow moon become
orange as green bus
meanders its way...
— varun

appreciated varun - see you wrote one two - i hope they're not breeding. I've changed this a fair bit to get it to flow better - i like your suggestions too now - ho hum. I'll have a think - this might take a while, :)

ubknown - i used to love those dot to dot books when i was little. I never thought they were silly at all - now i write acrostics - actually one acrostic. Maybe you could try more dotty puzzles - they'll improve your spatial awareness.
— opal

varun - one too.
— opal

Two good ones here in a month!  Where is aforbing to appreciate this?
— Isabelle5

much better flow, yes.

Drunk, dizzy, giddy, bright
yellow moon swings
low slung. He clings to cool roof
as double decker sways into deep
night.

Taste of too much beer
has faded; yellow moon becomes
orange and green bus
meanders its way home
along dusky lanes. A poet
sleeps.

so, i just wanted to get rid of the repetition of 'as'. i'm sure you can do it a lot better; was just trying to illustrate my opinion... menh... also, that small 't' really bothers me.... :}

i hear those buses are being taken off the streets... or has that already happened?
— varun

Thanks Isa, btw, where is aforbing?

also varun - having read again - and your new version - i want to keep from early evening as it lends a time span - DT was legendary for the amount of time he devoted to drinking and i want to convey that as he staggers out of the pub, suggested by the slight jerkiness between stanzas, so i'll leave it be for now, but i'm still thinking and v. happy with your input. Double deckers aren't seen in that part of Wales anymore - they're city buses now - i'm in London this afternoon so I'll let you know if there aren't so many as usual - we have them in my town too, but I certainly wouldn't want a ride home on top of one, but I do know of at least two people who've stolen one.
— opal

Opal, if you write me, I'll tell you where Aforbing is.
— Isabelle5

opal

woot & yay!
I found it. It is entitled Beans.
It's by DPK, whom I believe also has gone by the user name Kaltica:

Beans
« on: August 13, 2006, 05:34 PM »

----------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------
September came like winter's
ailing child but
left us
viewing Valparaiso's pride.  Your face was
always saddest when you smiled.  You smiled as every
doctored moment lied.  You lie with
orphans' parents, long
reviled.

As close as coppers, yellow beans still
line Mapocho's banks.  It
leads them to the sea;
entwined on rocks and saplings, each
new vine recalls that
dawn in 1973 when
every choking, bastard weed grew wild.
— banditfemme

low slung. sounds steamy
— zekejacobi

fantastic poem. best acrostic i've ever read. bonus points for dylan thomas being a bad ass. -hb
— unknown

Lovely poem. Great poet
— stout

sorry for the lack of useful feedback, i just have to say that this poem really impressed me.
— lanezfairy

i'm a welshman.

i don't like beer.

i like these words.
— Esoteric

it's okay

okay?
— chuckles

Were there buses when Dylan was alive?  Somehow, I think they were still in stage coach mode.  However... this is a great acrostic no matter what "bus" he was on.  I like it.
— aforbing

i'm pretty sure there were buses around when dylan was alive. maybe not that many in swansea or his home town, but they weer around.

i was also led to believe he was a whisky drinker, but that doesnt matter.
— Esoteric

Hi Opal, it is your old friend and admirer again.

Much though I enjoyed your poetic effort.
I was much dismayed at your factual inaccuracy.

I have great difficulty remembering green double deck buses operating out of Swansea or in the Gower region in the very early fifties.

The Cardiff buses to my recollection were all either cream or beige coloured.
Swansea buses were a distinct Dark Red and cream livery.
Though it could be said, the double deck electric trolley bus was Cardiff’s central feature

Most buses of that era were of mainly of Leyland origin (your favourite leopard no less) fitted with Plaxton bodies made in Blackpool
The very few double deck buses operating outside of the city centres of Cardiff and Swansea were of the low-slung type due to the many restrictive bridge heights, which predominated in the area.

The poet himself must have been quite an athlete to jump from a bus shelter roof onto one of these mystery green double deck buses.

Considering for example that, the aforementioned green buses are indeed a fairly recent innovation in Swansea.

Also if I remember rightly it is First Cymru who operate in the Gower Region of South Wales though they were certainly not around in Dylan’s
time.

Nice poem.

Mor.
— Mor

there were buses in the 40s and 50s, and in all sorts of liveries.
— unknown

Yes but which transport authority authorised a double deck bus to operate on a single deck bus route.

Mor.
— Mor

As for the comment by Mor, above,

1) There is such a thing as artistic license
2) The double decker bus image, the whole poem is based upon something Dylan Thomas said in an interview.

Are you calling Dylan Thomas a liar?
— Leanan

Well I would never dream of disparaging Dylan Thomas.
However those old Leyland’s and the Guys even with the piano fronts and low step bodies of the late forties measured a good fourteen feet in height.

Now considering the height of the bridges on route to where Dylan lived which were considerably less than fourteen feet, it would be interesting to see how those double deck buses eventually got under those bridges, especially with Dylan fast asleep on top of those off route double deckers.
Further more nobody has explained how he eventually got off those fourteen foot high buses.

Maybe Dylan was colour blind also.

The good old days, I went to several of the vintage bus and lorry shows in
Cardiff and in Merthyr never did I see a green double decker from the late forties, I wonder were it went. Hong Kong no, they like the Alanteans you could get a hundred and fifty in, no trouble, two hundred at a pinch.

Mor.
— Mor

Ah yes, and you know the precise height of the bridges on the way to Dylan Thomas' house? Yes I'm sure you've taken several times, the Dylan Thomas Country tour, and rode on double decker buses (ones that aren't 14ft, because they're tourbuses, and don't have rooves) all along the pathway to Dylan's house, and observed the routes the local buses take.
— Leanan

Thank you to all commenting - and the great bus debate - well I believe Leanan's artistic licence comment gets it about right. I have no idea whether Thomas did what he said, but it seemed to sum him up for me. I was very young when I saw the interview which I have no doubt still exists somewhere in the BBC archives - but the point is that he believed or wanted us to believe he did it. I wanted the poem to say something about him in that vein - ie larger than life almost, yet connected to the world - the moon in a way most of us never are - if that sounds a bit pretentious - well, never mind.
mor - i like those big single decker buses - they still drive around Laugharne which is the v. loose setting for this poem. I chose green for its organic properties.
— opal

The great bus debate aside, a well worked piece of poetry of good form and rhythm.

A drunken journey home on the meandering welsh roads can certainly be dizzy and giddy.

A favourite, and well appreciated acrostic.

Lovely.

-Mong-
— Mongrol

Leanan.

One of the problems of being clever is that you do require a modicum of intelligence,
Cardiff was the first municipal in Wales to create tour buses from old redundant stock, unfortunately they did not consider its merits until the mid sixties.
By that time, Doctor Beeching had slightly decimated the railways, and as a result, some of the redundant railway bridges were then removed in favour of road transport.

Obviously, you have a poetic bent, “rooves” rhymes beautifully with hooves.

Mor.
— Mor

Cute idea.  Images are simple and sharp.  I find the lack of articles distracting, especially since one loiters in the penultimate line.

Sorry, this is my first posted comment here.  You may ignore it completely.  It's hard to even read through all of the previous comments.  I am just testing my keyboard compatibility.

Mister Micawber
— MMicawber

Ah yes, and you know the precise height of the bridges on the way to Dylan Thomas' house? Yes I'm sure you've taken several times, the Dylan Thomas Country tour, and rode on double decker buses (ones that aren't 14ft, because they're tourbuses, and don't have rooves) all along the pathway to Dylan's house, and observed the routes the local buses take.
— unknown

I have never been to Dylan Thomas’s boathouse or even his past home.
I have never seen any logical reason for such an excursion.
If I had, I would have used a perfectly good BMW seven series for the trip.
However, as I know the roads around that area quite well, and their liability to collapse, driving a double decker in the vicinity of the aforementioned boathouse would prove to be a most hazardous occupation.

Seven or eleven seat minibuses would I suspect, be a more practical mode of transport.

Mor.
— Mor

.
.
.
mor and mong

your devotion to each other gobsmacks me. What will it take to pry you apart?
( Opal -- so sorry to highjack your comment space, but it's already been taken hostage. )
— banditfemme

Well Opal in my experience has never been adverse to a little bit of controversial comment.

However, she does whinge on some times to the moderator.

What have been conveniently forgotten are the inclusion of double deck bus in her poem and the apparent heroic achievement of Dylan Thomas jumping onto the roof of a fourteen-foot high bus?
Apart from that slight oversight, I quite like the dear lady’s poetic offering, though I cannot say I am in the least in impressed in the stupidity of some of  accompanying comment, however they are none of my concern.
If all that is required to satisfy the requirement of PC is to say it is a nice poem- then it is nice poem.

I have no need to copy text from a book like mong in order to hold an opinion.

Green and red are indeed difficult colours for the colour blind to recognise with any degree of accuracy.

Mor
— Mor

This deserves the top slot. Very creative, without feeling at all contrived.It made me happy.

smugzy
— unknown

really liked this poem.

only criticism is that you might be going heavy on the color adjectives in lines 7 & 8. feels over adjectivized;

nice sounds & sights though,
a magical one truly,
stev
e
— steveroggenb

Has the great bus controversy reached the depot now?

Thanks starr and smugzy and steve - an alliterative pattern of 3!

xx
— opal

I'm just not sure how this has got so quickly bumped down to 28th place
— Mongrol

take a wild guess.
— opal

Scribblers Corner....

wasn't a high point....

nothing can distract from the fact this is a good poem :)
— Mongrol

For mongrol’s information I support Scribblerscorner not because I have to, but because I want to.
I have known Brad for several years, from the days of his horrendous boating accident were he suffered appalling head injuries and severe brain damage.

Despite what appeared to be insurmountable odds he fought back relearning everything his injured brain had forgotten.
His professional life in tatters he relearned to write, using short stories as a medium, he painfully clawed his way back to a kind of normality.

So much so, that he eventually set up a poetry site using the defunct program written and then abandoned by the Becket’s after their disastrous debacle in Thought Café.
Brad is a genuine God fearing person, no one could ever seek to question his integrity, yet despite his good intentions he too has suffered the behaviour patterns that you seemingly specialise in.

However, I hope most sincerely that I never encounter your unwelcome presence on Scribblerscorner; it would be the ultimate insult to humanity. Brad is too fine a person to have his site soiled by the presence of a degenerate such as Mongrol.

And yes, you are right the above poem indeed has merit.

Mor.




— Mor

Still not getting the point of not making personal comments about yourself in the space reserved for poetry comment and critique hmm Mor?

Considering the littering of poor offerings you've scattered over the years you might have at least grasped the concepts of designation and intent.

This area is for critique and comments on this poem Mor, not a street corner in which to grind your organ :)

Keep it as it should be.

as such... the wonderful scansion and meter of the phrase 'yellow moon swings low slung' in this poem is still one of the best i've yet to read on this site.
— Mongrol

I have already said the poem has merit, and I certainly do not recall ever having said that it was a bad poem.
What I do recall is that it has technical defects; historic technical defects,
And if those defects were to be corrected then undoubtedly it would become a good poem by any standard or definition
I have no axe to grind with the writer; I merely state facts as I see them.

Further, more Mongrol your appraisal of poetry is entirely of your own opinion it holds little credence in my book as does your pathetic examples of poetry.

Mor.
— Mor

One line of comment after a street hawking monologue of something or other does not make for critique Mor...

as for credence and books.. your opinion of anything and everything is beyond the banal Mor... again I say.. keep your personal reflections of yourself out of other people poetry critiques..

it's bad form
— Mongrol

Opal, when I first read this poem there was nothing constructive that I could think of to offer you, and I was pretty sure you didn't want to hear 'good job write on'.

When I saw it spammed down the Top Rated list I gave it the 10 it deserves, which pushed it back up the list. The reason I'm now commenting is because someone has accused you of giving yourself a 10 to bump it up.

It wasn't Opal it was me.
— unknown

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