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You Thought You Wanted
JoelJosol

I can't compete with the guy
 1
who bought you expensive flowers
 2
 
 
But I have eyes
 3
to play with your cheeks.
 4
 
 
Neither can I vie against the guy
 5
who drove you around in a limousine
 6
 
 
but hey, I have ears
 7
to catch your laughters or sobs.
 8
 
 
I can't compare with the one
 9
who booked and paid for your fine dining
 10
 
 
but I've got hands for you to grip
 11
when all you need is peace and company.
 12
 
 
I may not be the kind of guy
 13
you thought you wanted
 14
 
 
but you well know
 15
these hands, eyes, and ears.
 16

8 Jun 07

Rated 8.5 (8.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 7, 10
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1994
ashley87



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Comments:

refined some lines.
 — JoelJosol

For you to lose?  I'm disappointed in that line only.  Can't you please make it "for you to use?"  

This is such romantic stuff from a male point of view.  Nothing too cutesey, just the down-to-earth helpful kind of thing a woman might need from a guy.
 — Isabelle5

aww this is so adorable
 — unknown

I love it...Beautiful! Right from the heart...
 — dream

Thanks. Changed the last line Isabelle.
 — JoelJosol

Isn't this a song that was a hit in the early eighties?
 — unknown

I love it.
 — ashley87

Minor tweak to improve L6 and L23. Added "out" after break. Drop "the" at the beginning of L23.

Thanks, ashley.
 — JoelJosol

Minor tweak on S1-L2, replacing "places" with "brings" to improve the rhythm of this line.
 — JoelJosol

This sounds like my man.  :)

Loved it, made my day.
 — 1994

Thanks, 1994. That goes to show this is not plain fiction :-)
 — JoelJosol

Tweak S2-L3 to ease the rhythm and sonics.
 — JoelJosol

Converted the poem from a 3-liner to a couplet, added internal rhyming, positioned as a comparison to a yesterday fact, with a change to a more confident tone.
 — JoelJosol

Tried a more active verbs.
 — JoelJosol

Put hands first in the list rather than the last to improve the sonics of the last line.
 — JoelJosol

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