| Avoiding Bob |
JD
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He wears a tattooed wedding band
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1 |
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speaks loudly, (his eyebrows peaking),
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2 |
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slaps you on the back before
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3 |
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the punch line
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4 |
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and makes people scatter
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5 |
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like dry rice
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6 |
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on a countertop.
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7 |
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Bob lacks dinner plans
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8 |
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on long, lonely weekends.
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9 |
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He spends evenings watching Frasier
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10 |
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with his cat
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11 |
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and returns to work on Mondays-
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12 |
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his mouth an unremitting
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13 |
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car alarm in the office,
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14 |
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magnified by metal file cabinets
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15 |
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and cardboard cubicles.
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16 |
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I never understood why Bob
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lived to join in
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and at what age
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his personality became compensatory;
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until I heard that his young daughter
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and her twin sons
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burned down with the trailer
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behind his barn
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while Bob slept,
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two years ago,
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unaware that he would wake
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27 |
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an angry man.
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28 |
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7 Jun 07 |
Rated 8 (8) by 7 users.
Active (7): 6, 7, 7, 8, 9, 9, 10
Inactive (0):
(define the words in this poem)
(5 more poems by this author)
(2 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Add A Comment:
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Comments:
this is fantastic. i'm glad to be the first to read. comment, rather.
very human. very psychological. my kind of read.
whoever wrote this is a very intelligent person.
— OKcomputer
I really like the effect. How you create a callous almost cartoonish creature and make them sympathetic and real in the last few lines.
only suggestion would be to remove the word two before twins, only because it seems little redundant. other than that, I got nothin. This is very good.
— SteelAngel
I liked everything until I got to "Unknowing". That just seems awkward. I think you could come up with a better way to phrase the closing.
Otherwise, nice work!
— rocket
Thank you for the comments. I don't know about very intelligent--, maybe sarcastic with a good (dark) sense of humor? The "two twins" was a typo; thanks for pointing it out. And yes, I agree "unknowing" is awkward and the ending could use some adjusting. Thanks again.
— JD
I agree with OK, this is fantastic.
— 1994
maybe unaware rather than unknowing? i also doubt that Bob's young daughter and twin sons burned down, rather they burned to death and the trailer burned down if you see what i mean? i don't see the importance of specifying their location behind his barn. oth3r comments, i prefer the past tense of peak and alarm. i don't care for the repetition of alarm (3) and alarm (15). fog horn might be apt for his voice instead, ties in with the anger later. the lack of periods is annoying at first. otherwise, what did he live to join in? i find this statement a little lacklustre.
— unknown
I know Bob, I think every office has a Bob.
I think line 22 needs the word "that" before his young daughter, otherwise you think his daughter said something.
Need comma after 'ago' in line 27.
Uknowing? He was unaware, perhaps? Not knowing that he would wake...that makes more grammatical sense than unknowing, maybe.
Insight into a person's personality, nicely explained.
— Isabelle5
This is so Human it's Divine! Tolerance is never having to say sorry I judged you ...
Nicely done!
— AlchemiA
unknown,
thanks for the helpful comments- I'm working on line 18
isabelle5,
thank you for the suggestions. "unaware" was what I was looking for; think I was having brain fog towards the end (I owe you $5 for the word)
thanks for reading, everyone
— JD
This is very good. There is nothing else to say.
— blee73
The one you really should be avoiding is the devil! He is pure evil and leads to bad poetry. Stay away from him. 6/10
— Henry
The devil DOES lead to bad poetry, Henry. I appreciate the very helpful comment.
— JD
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