poetry critical

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She Lies On The Shore.

She Lies On The Shore.
The water ripples over stones.
She lies on the shore; she lies alone.
Silver mist;
an ancient oak.
And waters dance
over sparkling stone.
The waters dance
over precious bone.
She lies on the shore; she lies alone.
Mountains echo the singing water,
an abandoned village, a forgotten daughter.
She lies on the shore; she lies alone.
She lies on the shore; she is at home,
in her village
by the singing water.

7 Jun 07

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this poem shouts ametuer. let me tell you why:

ametuer poems will focus greatly on either style or substance, but cannot handle both. this poem contains no substance, no forethought. it just came out and here it is.

but i'll tell you, it's a really nice start. if you're going to write poetry, style is a good thing to master first. substance comes and goes with the everyday. soon you will be able to incorporate some substance.

the only reason i know is because i was there once. keep going.

posting anonymously so i don't seem like a selfish cad.
 — unknown

The sing-song rhymes are applied a bit inconsitently and give this a helter skleter feel.

Some lines say nothing, and then repeat.
"The water ripples over stones"
"And waters dance over sparkling stone".

It's clear this a beach, none of that really says much, unless you're going for a revenent nature worship tone.

At the heart of this is a good idea, it's just not expressed coherently enough. Consider what details are most important, and the best order to introduce them. Revise and try to avoid repetition.
 — rocket

Much like the anon poster I've been there too-The most significant word of advice/commentary, (that made sense to me and will hopefully help you out), is to think in smaller terms...don't think too abstractly...such as: love, abandonment, loss, etc. It's great you are providing some imagery for your reader, but it's too abstract.  And although you are trying to work with rhyme/sound, the rhyme is predictable. It's okay if your work doesn't rhyme...you can play with rhyme/sound in other ways. Again...I think some, perhaps most writers have been where you are at one point in their life...and I like the idea of this poem!  It would be awesome to see you take this idea and try again.  I hope my comments have been helpful! Thank you!
 — candykid

Hey thanks for your comments.
The irony is I have been working on this poem idea for a few years, and just can't quite hit it!
 — danni

Why not just admit it's GREAT lyrics and be happy with it?  As a song, it works very well, in a way it does not as a poem.

If you go for poem, you need to get rid of the lies on the shore alone repetition because it isn't going to mean much to the reader, unless you tell a story about it.  There isn't much to go on here.  You could put more images, more substance - what village, what body of water, why is she dancing, is this a woman ceremony or is she lonely?  What happened to cause this moment?

Take us with you to this moment.  
 — Isabelle5