poetry critical

online poetry workshop



theradioplaysanon
Rixes

my little heart skipped
 1
a
 2
  beat but never caught
 3
the rhythm again,
 4
 
 
so
 5
i spend the rest of my days
 6
  indianstyle
 7
on the shoulder of a highway
 8
in arizona.
 9
 
 
i wonder what
 10
it might
 11
  have been like to live
 12
simply without
 13
your armsaround
 14
love.
 15
 
 
without
 16
 
 
your eyes like starry
 17
blinks in the night,
 18
i feel alone
 19
 
 
as the moon,
 20
  never
 21
changing: i hiccup:
 22
 
 
i am a smallboysmallgirl
 23
  asleep, adrift
 24
on the navy stretch.
 25

6 Jun 07

Rated 8.8 (9) by 13 users.
Active (13): 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (3): 9, 9, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(121 more poems by this author)

(7 users consider this poem a favorite)
1994
amaviena
discin
humblebee
jeremybeadle
overdose
zekejacobi



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

|8; maybe say 'on a shoulder of highway'? Can't think of anything else atm. I love how the style participates with the content to such an extent. I don't see the navy stretch well, but then again I've never been to arizona. ;p I'm glad to see you're still kicking around.
 — Virgil

Thanks Virgil for commenting.

I have never been to Arizona, either. The state just came randomly, but I thought, with it being a desert state, it would be a good place to sit Indian-style on a highway.

The "navy stretch" was meant to be both (or either) the highway or the night sky.

L8 is probably vernacular differences between you an I. I will look into it, but I probably will take your suggestion, even if it sounds a bit strange on my own tongue.

Thanks again. :D
 — Rixes

Love lines 17 and 18

Larry eyes wide open Lark
 — larrylark

navy stretch is sophisticated but I'm not smitten with the yellow brick road skippiness. Also ditch the "little" in my little heart. We don't need to know how cute you think you are. I'm not sure how much sense your poem makes. Did the narrator settle down in the middle of the road like a frozen tumbleweed? Was he adopted? Well, it has a happy ending, I suppose?
 — banditfemme

Hm, intriguing comment, banditfemme.

I particularly took interest to the many "you"s in your comment, as if to suggest that I, the writer, and also the same as the narrator of this poem. That is not the case, though. So, I'm not trying to be "cute", but perhaps the narrator is.

I'm not sure how much sense this poem makes either, but then again I don't know how much sense many poems make, or even if poetry in general makes sense. What's the sense in writing finite lyrical pieces to try to explain, possibly, the infinite?

Your comment makes me think, to say the least, just as (I assume) this poem made you think (I use your abundance of questions asked to me as evidence for that). And I suppose, with that, it is a very happy ending, indeed.
 — Rixes

Correction:

...as if to suggest that I, the writer, and also the narrator of this poem are the same.**
 — Rixes

I enjoy your questions. Yes. I implore you to delete "little" in line one. Ambiguity is often tasty. The skippiness I could accept but for the cloying "little."
 — banditfemme

I thought it made sense... something about a drive-by spiritual apotheosis that smallboysmallgirl's trying to recapture again, indianstyle?
 — Virgil

Interesting. Casper the Friendly Ghost.
 — unknown

Hi Rixes.  :-)  I actually love this poem.  It's abstract and unreal, but that kinda stuff appeals to me anyway cuz I'm crazy like that anyway.  I love it.  Word up, bro.  Starr  :-)
 — starr

"on the shoulder of an arizona highway"?

the radio plays what?

nice, put together words.
 — jenakajoffer

anon -- the radio plays anon.
 — Virgil

i woke up 1/2 an hour after i should have been at work, broke my bed, stained my shirt on a strawberry.. but then i read this poem. i feel better ;) thanks. looking forward to my own navy stretch after a long day.
 — humblebee

Okay smallboy, smallgirl, are you a bit confused or are the gas fumes getting to you sitting on that lonely highway?
 — unknown

How about navy stench - those close quarters in the racks get mighty stanky.
 — unknown

I'm sorry, was that supposed to be witty?
 — unknown

Thanks for commenting, all.
Even the unknowns.
 — Rixes

This could be so great, I'm not sure whats missing..But I love .. "armsaround"love
and "smallboysmallgirl" and 1-4 are brill.
 — jeremybeadle

way too cliche for my taste, but for the saps-at-heart this fits the bill. :-/
 — unknown

like the use of poetic license to make your wordsruntogether... nice stuff.
this is a great poem.  I can't really even complain.
 — aforbing

hmm
kindacutepoem
may i suggest that L4 be changed?

a rhythm again (arhythmia [sp?] probably fit niceynice with your skipped beat thingy?)

well done
 — chuckles

we don't have too many tumbleweeds in this old west...misconceptions. I'm a native and I've yet to see a tumbleweed. Urban sprawl. \

this made me...
burst.

i love this.
 — amaviena

i read this way back when it was first posted, and alas, forgot to comment. i love this; i'm not sure there's a real point to it, but in my own writing, or even in my thought process, for that matter, there's hardly ever a real point to it, so it's no big deal. 1-4 are lovely, and i like the lack of spacing in asmallboysmallgirl.

love.
 — overdose

Top Rated (expand)
Newest (expand)
  • perfect white noise
  • My Summer, My Sun
  • poetic burn out
  • phone feelings
  • empty soles that tread the steps to day
  • Your body, I am.
  • Casualty of love
  • A Mothers Love
  • my cycle.
  • Childish Innocence and Blimps
  • As I Was Passing
  • Mr. Kaboomington
  • umbrellas responding to Rain
  • Burn Down Summer
  • Lilith
Recently Commented (expand)
  • my cycle.
  • Kunai
  • Most dumped boyfriend (found poem)
  • perfect white noise
  • slowdancing around my existential meltdown
  • My Life.
  • things we do when we are empty
  • poetic burn out
  • Burn Down Summer
  • the psalms of wasps and other stinging insects
  • Stones crush beatles
  • When Love Dies
  • caught threads
  • lightness traveling, come undone
  • My Summer, My Sun
Recent Best (expand)
  • 1. The Sunflower Girl
  • 2. An Honorable Man
  • 3. Existentialist In God's Garden
  • 4. And I Have Loved Thee, Oh Shun
  • 5. saturdays and sundays at 6am
  • 6. \\ Now The Cat's Got No Whiskers \\
  • 7. //for ivan//
  • 8. hank and i press our hands
  • 9. This Is Your Last Chance
  • 10. the impoetic man
  • 11. wittgenstein's art ( a story in verse )
  • 12. mark'd
  • 13. Childish Innocence and Blimps
  • 14. Kick-back
  • 15. You Kissed Like a Prostitute
0.795s